Sunday, March 28, 2010

Patrick / Pat Project

What's that? I don't look happy? Well, I'm not. I am 30 and not yet famous. Which begs the question, what the hell?

For the first time in the past few weeks I've had a relatively calm weekend as I very half-assedly attempted to unpack my apartment. The biggest time stealer was those dagnab Netflix streaming movies -it is so choice. Among the cavalcade of films I watched was Julie & Julia, and well, I am just furious!

I watched this movie at the recommendation of my sister, Lise, because, you know, I write a blog and the girl in the film, she writes a blog -we're writers, see? I like this parallel because her blog went on to become a book and then a movie and so I thought, we'll this might be some really nice "aspirational" Sunday viewing. Boy, was I wrong.

Now it's not that I didn't like the movie. I mean, I kinda hated Amy Adams and prefer Dan Aykroyd's impression of Mrs. Child, but that's not my boeuf. What gotten under my skin is that I have been writing this blog for almost 4 stinkin' years and not once has the New York Times called to interview me, Random House has not contacted my agent, and as a result I sit on this cold March night stewing.

What gives? Is she a better writer than I am? Well, I don't think so! Click here and you can read for yourself. I mean it's fine; she says fuck every now and again, but my scan did not return a single dick and/or fart joke or reference to tittays. We both publish our blog using the Georgia font, so why does she have a book & movie deal and I don't? Then it hit me! You gotta get a gimmick!

What is her formula? It's really quite simple:
  • Do a rather straightforward play on your name, and then do something they do for a year.
  • As you do it, write about how this experience makes your life feel less bleak, how it makes your significant other love you for trying something new, but ultimately hate you for becoming an obsessed, miopic drone.
  • This is very important: talk about how you have some mystical, otherworldly connection to the person you're shadowing, get overly sentimental about it and tell anyone who will listen.
With the blueprint in hand, I've brainstormed a few possible characters to emulate and scenarios to produce a new blog I will never write, entitled the Patrick / Pat Project. I've taken the liberty of working up a summary for each in the hopes that putting thoughts to paper or whatever will put me one step closer to a Nora Ephron screenplay.

Patrick Garrigan / Pat BooneProject

This first one I really like! First things first, click the "Speedy Gonzales" music clip -you need this for the full effect. For this concept, I spend one year attempting to emulate the wildly popular / sorta racist Pat Boone song, "Speedy Gonzales" and head south of the border, or wherever adobes are these days, and lobby alcoholic Mexicans to return home to their families, fix their TV's and put more mud on their walls. I've been reading a lot of nifty articles about Mexico lately, which I think will make for really great "content".

Patrick Garrigan / Pat Buchanan Project
Love him or hate him Pat Buchanan is really fucking incredible. Imagine if you lived your life the Pat Buchanan way? I mean most of us spend our days self-editing and "considering others" when we speak. Imagine how totally rad your life would be if you didn't do have to do that. Now imagine yourself running for president.

That's right! I will spend one year running for president the Pat Buchanan Way. That is to say, I will come up with the craziest shit I can think of, do theatrical re-interpretations of that scene from Disney's Beauty & the Beast where the townspeople storm the castle and the objects do a real number on them (oh, the hijinks). There will probably be a metaphor peppered in there and it will probably be lost on you so I will carry around a pitchfork -cause hey, what's that guy doing with a pitchfork? Oh, and I'll take showers in salad dressing whenever the opportunity presents itself.

I honestly think this would be awesome.

Patrick Garrigan / Pat Sajak Project

Speaking of Republicans, did you know Pat Sajak is a Republican? Like real Republican-y, like external director of a conservative publishing company Republican-y. It has nothing to do with this project, just something I discovered while searching for famous people named Pat. I mean, Merv Griffin gave you your start, man! Just another reason this blog is already better than Julie / Julia -I provide you with context, you need that.

The premise of this one will be a little more difficult to execute because it will require a bit more of a long-term commitment. For this premise, I will attempt to host "Wheel of Fortune" in my basement for 20 years and chronicle my fight against depression and self-loathing as I spend my days attempting to get excited when dumb hicks guess a missing letter in a glorified game of Hangman.

The blog will conclude when Sajak, then 83, and myself, 53, meet at a Michelle Malkin book signing somewhere in Maryland: our eyes will meet, I will shake his quaking hand and then offer him....a new car! Except not really as I will have bankrupted myself by providing guests on my basement version of the show with prizes out-of-pocket for some 20 years.

So those are my initial thoughts on it. Comment, if you're so inclined, as to which one you think will make me the richest / most famous? Do be quite quick about it. I'll be 31 in a few months, clock's ticking.

1 comment:

C. said...

Hey Patrick...This blog was hysterical. You've lucked out with the name, by the way...

I've got Lee Travino or Lee Pace...unless you want to count 'Lou' as 'close enough'!

Anyway, hope you're having a wonderful Easter.



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