Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hey Mr. Producer


"Ideas are like assholes. Everyone's got one and most of them stink."

As all you cats out there know, I'm a producer. That is to say, I produce. If I were to think of a verb to describe me, I would likely pick produce. Or not-well-liked, you know, one of the two.

The problem is, what was once just a fun game of "What's Your Verb?" has now morphed into a real life situation where people think I can actually produce things. What things? Well, TV shows, theatrical extravaganzas, and underground cockfighting matches. While I can't help you with the first two, I know my way around une bague de coq. However, rather than correct them, I usually opt instead to drink a lot and nod thoughtfully.

Along the way, a strange thing happened. I actually started to have opinions. Opinions that have proven quite profound. Surprised? No, I'm not either.


So the key to getting something produced, pretties, is having a really good idea. To help you, the people, I have decided to provide you with a litmus test for whether or not your ideas are good.
  1. Does your idea allow for the possibility of nudity? ADD 20 POINTS
  2. Does your idea involve Freddie Prinze, Jr. as the love interest? DEDUCT 2 POINTS
  3. Does your idea involve puppies? ADD 6 POINTS (AMERICA LOVES PUPPIES)
  4. Does your idea involve people trapped in something that could explode? ADD 1 POINT
  5. Does your idea involve Betty White? ADD 3 POINTS
  6. Does your idea involve a noun -any noun, really- that could easily be tagged "by Bravo"? ADD 1 POINT
  7. Does your idea involve the daily life of birthday clowns? DEDUCT 10 POINTS
  8. Does your idea involve people finding love on Facebook or better yet, Twitter? ADD 2 POINTS (+ #PatrickGarriganThoughtofThis HASHTAG)
  9. Does your idea include Andie McDowell? DEDUCT 7 POINTS
  10. Does your idea have the opportunity to include a liquor sponsor? ADD 5 POINTS + the 4 POINTS from Question 1
  11. Does your idea involve the possibility to be turned into an ice show? ADD 2 POINTS
  12. Can your idea include a Furry love story? ADD 4 POINTS (+ SCRIPT CONSULTANT CREDIT)
  13. Does your idea involve a firebrand Maverick with cutesy phrases and great gams? DEDUCT 4 POINTS (FOX ALREADY BOUGHT THIS IDEA)
  14. Does your idea include the possibility of production numbers with big tittay'd chorus girls? ADD 5 POINTS
  15. Does your idea include a look inside prison life through the eyes of a man incarcerated due to a hilarious tax filing misunderstanding? DEDUCT 75 POINTS (THIS TREATMENT ALREADY EXISTS, SO STEP THE FUCK OFF, OKAY?)
Alright, tally up your numbers, friends! And now, for the results...

  • 0 - 10: You've got ideas and that's great and they are bad and you should write them in your dream journal and then burn it and then HOORAY!
  • 11 - 25: Work on the nudity bit and we'll talk -Daddy loves 'dem tittays!
  • 40+: Let's do lunch.
So I hope that was helpful. 'Cause that's what I'm here for, to help. Well, that and to get reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeich!

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