Sunday, March 28, 2010

Patrick / Pat Project

What's that? I don't look happy? Well, I'm not. I am 30 and not yet famous. Which begs the question, what the hell?

For the first time in the past few weeks I've had a relatively calm weekend as I very half-assedly attempted to unpack my apartment. The biggest time stealer was those dagnab Netflix streaming movies -it is so choice. Among the cavalcade of films I watched was Julie & Julia, and well, I am just furious!

I watched this movie at the recommendation of my sister, Lise, because, you know, I write a blog and the girl in the film, she writes a blog -we're writers, see? I like this parallel because her blog went on to become a book and then a movie and so I thought, we'll this might be some really nice "aspirational" Sunday viewing. Boy, was I wrong.

Now it's not that I didn't like the movie. I mean, I kinda hated Amy Adams and prefer Dan Aykroyd's impression of Mrs. Child, but that's not my boeuf. What gotten under my skin is that I have been writing this blog for almost 4 stinkin' years and not once has the New York Times called to interview me, Random House has not contacted my agent, and as a result I sit on this cold March night stewing.

What gives? Is she a better writer than I am? Well, I don't think so! Click here and you can read for yourself. I mean it's fine; she says fuck every now and again, but my scan did not return a single dick and/or fart joke or reference to tittays. We both publish our blog using the Georgia font, so why does she have a book & movie deal and I don't? Then it hit me! You gotta get a gimmick!

What is her formula? It's really quite simple:
  • Do a rather straightforward play on your name, and then do something they do for a year.
  • As you do it, write about how this experience makes your life feel less bleak, how it makes your significant other love you for trying something new, but ultimately hate you for becoming an obsessed, miopic drone.
  • This is very important: talk about how you have some mystical, otherworldly connection to the person you're shadowing, get overly sentimental about it and tell anyone who will listen.
With the blueprint in hand, I've brainstormed a few possible characters to emulate and scenarios to produce a new blog I will never write, entitled the Patrick / Pat Project. I've taken the liberty of working up a summary for each in the hopes that putting thoughts to paper or whatever will put me one step closer to a Nora Ephron screenplay.

Patrick Garrigan / Pat BooneProject

This first one I really like! First things first, click the "Speedy Gonzales" music clip -you need this for the full effect. For this concept, I spend one year attempting to emulate the wildly popular / sorta racist Pat Boone song, "Speedy Gonzales" and head south of the border, or wherever adobes are these days, and lobby alcoholic Mexicans to return home to their families, fix their TV's and put more mud on their walls. I've been reading a lot of nifty articles about Mexico lately, which I think will make for really great "content".

Patrick Garrigan / Pat Buchanan Project
Love him or hate him Pat Buchanan is really fucking incredible. Imagine if you lived your life the Pat Buchanan way? I mean most of us spend our days self-editing and "considering others" when we speak. Imagine how totally rad your life would be if you didn't do have to do that. Now imagine yourself running for president.

That's right! I will spend one year running for president the Pat Buchanan Way. That is to say, I will come up with the craziest shit I can think of, do theatrical re-interpretations of that scene from Disney's Beauty & the Beast where the townspeople storm the castle and the objects do a real number on them (oh, the hijinks). There will probably be a metaphor peppered in there and it will probably be lost on you so I will carry around a pitchfork -cause hey, what's that guy doing with a pitchfork? Oh, and I'll take showers in salad dressing whenever the opportunity presents itself.

I honestly think this would be awesome.

Patrick Garrigan / Pat Sajak Project

Speaking of Republicans, did you know Pat Sajak is a Republican? Like real Republican-y, like external director of a conservative publishing company Republican-y. It has nothing to do with this project, just something I discovered while searching for famous people named Pat. I mean, Merv Griffin gave you your start, man! Just another reason this blog is already better than Julie / Julia -I provide you with context, you need that.

The premise of this one will be a little more difficult to execute because it will require a bit more of a long-term commitment. For this premise, I will attempt to host "Wheel of Fortune" in my basement for 20 years and chronicle my fight against depression and self-loathing as I spend my days attempting to get excited when dumb hicks guess a missing letter in a glorified game of Hangman.

The blog will conclude when Sajak, then 83, and myself, 53, meet at a Michelle Malkin book signing somewhere in Maryland: our eyes will meet, I will shake his quaking hand and then offer him....a new car! Except not really as I will have bankrupted myself by providing guests on my basement version of the show with prizes out-of-pocket for some 20 years.

So those are my initial thoughts on it. Comment, if you're so inclined, as to which one you think will make me the richest / most famous? Do be quite quick about it. I'll be 31 in a few months, clock's ticking.

Video Greatness

What's cooler than surfing? An alpaca surfing. It just so happens I have that footage.

Don't mention it.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Join Me! (or Give Me Money) and Walk to Combat MS

Last year I took a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, battling hipsters and entitled bicyclists with the most hardcore group of walkers you ever saw and were forever changed (see above)! This year Team Dan's Lost Luggage is back in the habit (ergo Team Dan's Lost Luggage: Part II) and hungry to raise even more money to combat MS!

On April 18, 2010, I will join 6,000 participants for the 21st Annual Walk MS event. Being the shameless self-promoters that I am, I wondered if you might consider sponsoring me for this walk or joining what is sure to be the most thought provoking, hilarious, titillating walk you've ever taken, because you'll be taking it with me! Huzzah!

If you would care to sponsor me, and you know you want to (because as little as $5 or $10 bucks add up very quickly), you can simply click on the link below and select "Donate to Patrick":

OR if money is tight and/or just love walking to Brooklyn and back (like last year's bad ass team members Patrick, Aaron, Erika, Leslie and Salli), you can lace up your Saucony's and share your walking skills with the world by clicking here to join Team Dan's Lost Luggage: Part II:


* Scroll down to the thermometer and to the left you'll see the link for Join Team -CLICK IT
* Follow the instructions to register
* You will then become part of the finest walking team ever assembled

While I joke, this is great charity that affects our families and those close to us. So if you have an extra buck or $200,000 that you can part with it would be very helpful to this cause. Or wake up early on Sunday and join us for the walk -you'll be glad you did (Patrick will bring Cinnabons).

My goal this year is $1,000 and I'm already half way there thanks to the generous support of:

Aaron & Leigh Thomas
Justin Brill
Abby Church
Francoise Donnell
Carol Hoffman
Patti Holbrook
Jack Lane
Megan Manning
Karen Melfi
Jake Porter
Dante Sabatino
Billy Taylor
Steven Silverstein
Shelley Thomas

Would you like to be immortalized, and achieve unparalleled fame on this here blog? Click here, give as little as a few bucks and your name will live on here forever. Thanks Gumptioneers!

Hey Mr. Producer

"Ideas are like assholes. Everyone's got one and most of them stink."

As all you cats out there know, I'm a producer. That is to say, I produce. If I were to think of a verb to describe me, I would likely pick produce. Or not-well-liked, you know, one of the two.

The problem is, what was once just a fun game of "What's Your Verb?" has now morphed into a real life situation where people think I can actually produce things. What things? Well, TV shows, theatrical extravaganzas, and underground cockfighting matches. While I can't help you with the first two, I know my way around une bague de coq. However, rather than correct them, I usually opt instead to drink a lot and nod thoughtfully.

Along the way, a strange thing happened. I actually started to have opinions. Opinions that have proven quite profound. Surprised? No, I'm not either.

So the key to getting something produced, pretties, is having a really good idea. To help you, the people, I have decided to provide you with a litmus test for whether or not your ideas are good.
  1. Does your idea allow for the possibility of nudity? ADD 20 POINTS
  2. Does your idea involve Freddie Prinze, Jr. as the love interest? DEDUCT 2 POINTS
  3. Does your idea involve puppies? ADD 6 POINTS (AMERICA LOVES PUPPIES)
  4. Does your idea involve people trapped in something that could explode? ADD 1 POINT
  5. Does your idea involve Betty White? ADD 3 POINTS
  6. Does your idea involve a noun -any noun, really- that could easily be tagged "by Bravo"? ADD 1 POINT
  7. Does your idea involve the daily life of birthday clowns? DEDUCT 10 POINTS
  8. Does your idea involve people finding love on Facebook or better yet, Twitter? ADD 2 POINTS (+ #PatrickGarriganThoughtofThis HASHTAG)
  9. Does your idea include Andie McDowell? DEDUCT 7 POINTS
  10. Does your idea have the opportunity to include a liquor sponsor? ADD 5 POINTS + the 4 POINTS from Question 1
  11. Does your idea involve the possibility to be turned into an ice show? ADD 2 POINTS
  12. Can your idea include a Furry love story? ADD 4 POINTS (+ SCRIPT CONSULTANT CREDIT)
  13. Does your idea involve a firebrand Maverick with cutesy phrases and great gams? DEDUCT 4 POINTS (FOX ALREADY BOUGHT THIS IDEA)
  14. Does your idea include the possibility of production numbers with big tittay'd chorus girls? ADD 5 POINTS
  15. Does your idea include a look inside prison life through the eyes of a man incarcerated due to a hilarious tax filing misunderstanding? DEDUCT 75 POINTS (THIS TREATMENT ALREADY EXISTS, SO STEP THE FUCK OFF, OKAY?)
Alright, tally up your numbers, friends! And now, for the results...

  • 0 - 10: You've got ideas and that's great and they are bad and you should write them in your dream journal and then burn it and then HOORAY!
  • 11 - 25: Work on the nudity bit and we'll talk -Daddy loves 'dem tittays!
  • 40+: Let's do lunch.
So I hope that was helpful. 'Cause that's what I'm here for, to help. Well, that and to get reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeich!

Monday, March 15, 2010


There was a flash flood warning in effect for my apartment from Saturday until today. Heavy rains on Saturday rushed into the lower level of my apartment destroying my not-gay-at-all Playbill collection.

So until we can return you to our regularly scheduled program (next week) we bring you the Eastern Bloc Variety Hour.

Получите швабру

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Thoughts on Cats

There's a saying that goes, "People Who Hate Cats Will Come Back As Mice in Their Next Life." Well, fuck those hippy-dippy idiots, push play and let's do this.

Well happy Sunday to you all. I do hope you've been enjoying this fine weather we've been having. I know I sure would like to but something just hasn't felt right. I can't sleep, I can't eat and even as I type this I find a 40oz. in my shaky right hand and my Daisy 880 pump action air rifle in my left -and my laptop gently warming my genitals, as is it's wont. What gives?

There are (2) cats right outside my window who have been crying, fucking and fighting for the past two days and it has driven me to delirium. So on this eve of the Oscars, Hollywood's Biggest Night, I stand on the brink.

To provide you with context, my hatred of cats started at an early age and has been reinforced through consistently negative experiences like the one I'm experiencing now. Throughout this time, I've heard repeated mischaracterizations and general hooey from cat owners and I'd like to take this time to set the record straight as I contemplate "next steps".

My Cat is Like A Dog

If I had a dollar for every time I had to listen to apologist cat owners say, "but man, you don't understand, my cat is like a dog,"I would have saved enough money to buy a desert island, order a nationwide crack-down this expression and deport all these numbnuts.

Here's the deal. Your cat is in fact NOT AT ALL LIKE A DOG. You cat is just fat. In most cases, morbidly-obese-Carney-Wilson-belly-band-needing-fat. If the sheer heft of a thing is the sole indicator for this label, then I've taken bowel movements that could replace your Shih Tzu, so to speak. Oh and another thing, please tell me that is that cat's foot there in the bottom center of the picture. Just groooooosss.

My Cat is So Clean

"My cat is soooo clean." Perhaps so, but look what your cat has done to you. This is one of my favorite cat-people-isms. Because the "lie" of the thing is that even as these words escape their lips, they themselves are covered in 3" mats of fine white cat hair and vaguely smell of piss -a look that says, "I don't get out much anymore."

The counter to this is that it is in fact so much easier to accommodate living with a cat in the city. "A dog," they say, "well, you've got to rush home right after work and take them out, and I just don't have time for that." And that, friends, is a fair statement. However, when you continue with the statement that cats are easier to live with because they shit in a box, well, it doesn't do much to serve your "clean" argument. That box still lives in your apartment.

To add insult to injury, these litter boxes -which keep their domicile so clean- are typically either in the bathroom or the kitchen! These are places that, in my humble opinion, should generally be devoid of scented gravel. Congrats on teaching your ingrateful pet to take a doody in a box and next time let's have lunch at my place.

I Just Need to Find A Guy Who Likes Cats

I have a lot of lady friends with cats. They love their cats. Secretly, many of them confide to me that they have trouble finding a guy who likes their cat. You know why? Because he doesn't exist. Oh sure, he may tolerate if for a while if you have particularly succulent tittays, but this will ultimately not end well.

Editorially, speaking I typically try not to use bootlegged / stock photos but I'll tell you what, the photo above is the only picture I could find where the cat couple didn't look like this:

Is this what you want for your life? I mean, really? This picture has a fake backdrop of the woods when you know there was a decaying forest right behind the strip mall where this picture was taken that would have been just perfect for this shoot.

You think I'm speaking in hyperbole, I'm not! Google it yourself by searching "couple with cat". Now I'm not going to make this about cats vs. dogs, but here's the exact same search by Googling "couple with dog". The results of the latter search produces attractive, smiling people -people who have, oh I don't know, have jobs and social skills and a comprehension of basic hygiene. These are the people you want to be! Listen to me! I'm doing you a favor!

But I digress. But most importantly, I digress with a sense of altruistic superiority. I no longer want to want to take matters into my own hands with my cherished childhood toy. Instead I just want to go get a dog. A dog like this one.

And I will name her Sadie.

Monday, March 01, 2010

So Sue Me, It's Real Nice

As I almost daily review my Google Analytics, there are three trends that you, my readers, enjoy. They are:

Seductive pictures of Chyna

Palin literary erotica

Facebook observations

This gives me a lot of information about you. Like the fact that essentially you're all shut-in sexually ambigious meatheads with naughty school teacher fettishes -and that's okay.

More importantly, it tells me a lot about... me.

I've come to realize, I spend so much time making fun of celebrities or you or your dumb kids and I never take a dag-nab second to tell you what I'm excited about. Well today, that changes!

Friends, I have to tell you I am positively thrilled to be a part of Dalliance Theater's "Who Is Jordan Bishop?" More specifically, I'm hyper excited to be working with Mallory Hawks, Erick Pinnick & Noah Racey on my little skit "Measured, Objective Reporting". Oh sure, maybe I go home and masturbate to the sound of my own words while lathering up in peanut butter and listening to old Carpenter records, but dammit, this is really thrilling! They're all so good! It's also just a lot of fun, and I realize what a wonderful little gift it is to do theatre. No... I'm not crying; it's dry in here, in -er, Jamba Juice where I do all my writing. Fuck you, okay?

Like a proud papa here are some pictures from rehearsal:

With acting

Without acting

So there you have it. If you want to come see it, and I really think you should, you can finagle that bagel by clicking here. If you don't that's fine too, but just don't never say I never said nuttin' nice, you hear me?


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