Sunday, January 31, 2010

Narcissists Rejoice, Doppelgänger Week is Upon Us

Man, I love me. I love me sooo much that in addition to starting this post with a "Blue Steel-esque" photo, I would also like to proclaim to all the inhabitants of the Facespace, "It's Doppelgänger week on Facebook; change your profile picture to someone famous (actor, musician, athlete, etc.) you have been told you look like. After you update your profile with your twin or switched at birth photo then cut/paste this to your status!"

Doppelgänger is a German World War II-era term which means, "after we take over the world, I sure would like to have a person who kinda resembles me so that I can privately touch my no-no places in self-congratulation of my own superficially positive traits." I think, my German's a bit rusty.

Well despite these nefarious beginnings, people just Loooooove the old Doppelgänger Week. I would be lying if I said I didn't get swept up in the magic, mystery and delight of identifying one's celebrity lookalike. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I did a pretty good job of identifying mine:

No, that's not Dana Carvey. It's Sam Rockwell.

[Editorial: Sam Rockwell is currently slated to star in the upcoming Martin McDonagh play, "Behanding in Spokane". I would very much like tickets to the Opening. I have no scruples and will do anything to attend. Any assistance in this venture will be greatly rewarded. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.]

I feel that mine is a pretty responsible, given that my kneejerk reaction was to post Tom Cruise.

Unfortunately others have not been so prudent.

Sue from Oregon thinks she looks like...

Hilary Swank. And maybe she'd be right if Hilary were from my home-state of West Virginia, and didn't own a pair of tweezers and had chronic -er, achne (?), and... and...

Amy Winehouse thinks she looks like...

Chewbacca. And you know what? Maybe this fella's just straight up correct.

There you have it my 'gangered readers. Here's my challenge to you. Send me your friend's misguided / totally off-the-fucking-mark Facebook dopps to and here's what I'll do: I will put an edit bar across their eyes, post it and laugh uncontrollably. Alas, none of you will do it, because you're all pussies. And yes, that is a chaaaaaaallengeeeeeee!

Who Is Jordan Bishop?

Who is Jordan Bishop?

You'll find out on Thursday....

In the meantime, do be a dear, become a fan on of him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter. You'll thank me later.

Jordan Bishop on Facebook

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Usurped: The Resolution

“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

-Conan O’Brien

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Plug for Clinton Bush Haiti Fund

I make a quick jab in the previous post about living under a rock, but as you're probably aware, last week there was a pretty devastating earthquake in Haiti. I gotta say the pictures coming out are pretty horrifying. What's interesting is how this awful occurrence brings the worst president in my recollection and the best president in my recollection together for a greater good. As we see here:

With that said, GWGG fully endorses the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund and strong encourages you to click here and donate what you can.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Usurped: The Tale of Conan O'Brien

"Good fans of things that are funny! I have just arrived from 30 Rock where, six days ago, Conan O'Brien said he would not host the Tonight Show at 12:05am causing the people to take to the streets! They are starving, their children are dying but they are holding firm and we must support them.

What is happening at 30 Rock is happening everywhere. Let us at last make this the land of opportunity for all people who are tapped to host the Tonight Show, not just Jay Leno. The land of opportunity for Conan and his impish friend, Andy. We cannot rest!"

Emma Goldman couldn't have said it better.

Unless you've been living under a rock or in Haiti, you have no doubt been following the Late Night drama which has been ensuing. To get to the root of the matter, we whisk you away in the Greatness Time Machine to 2004 where a then unfunny Jay Leno made a statement.

Fast forward to June 1, 2009 when Jay Leno begrudgingly hands over the mantle to it's rightful heir, Conan O'Brien. To a appease a peeved and still unfunny Leno & and because they're too cheap to produce a real primetime program, NBC decides to give Leno a 10pm primetime slot for the aptly named, Jay Leno Show.

Viewers got mad that Leno was not funny and missed enjoying fine, fine programs like ER and Law & Order and such and so they turned off their TV's and instead enjoyed some quality family time which they had been deeply lacking. Well, then the local NBC affiliates realize that they've been sold a lemon and that Leno was only funny at 11:30 when the old Midewestern folk who actually watched his show were either drunk or sleepy, accounting for the lapse in taste. An alert public flatly rejected Leno and the NBC brass went doody in their panties.

So what to do? Quick fix. Cancel the crap Leno show. Bump him back to 11:35pm for a 30 minute gig and bump Conan back to 12:05am as head of the mis-monikered Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon goes to 1:00am and Carson Daly is bumped to host of Telemundo's hit show, Noticias del Noche!

Conan politely told them to go fuck themselves. Jeffrey Zucker, turned an interesting reddish-purple and threatened to put Conan on ice for the duration of his contract because, "hey, we said you could host the Tonight Show but we didn't say when you could host the Tonight Show."

As of tonight it looks as though NBC will end up buying out Conan to the tune of $30 - 40M with the caveat that he may not ever speak ill of the network. Fallon will stay in his awkward 12:35am slot, but Carson Daly will still be headed to Telemundo.

So this, it seems, is the end of the saga. But what's to become of this drama's key players? Leno is a confirmed dick and will go back to creating cringe-able courtesy laughter at 11:35pm. Zucker will be canned for making such a mess of this when Comcast takes over. But the big question to the throngs outside 30 Rock, what's to happen to Conan? I report, you decide!

The results will be forwarded to Conan and his agents at WME, so that he can plan accordingly. Thank you for your assistance.


In the vein of exciting new offerings, you may want to check out friend of Greatness, Colin Donnell's new song, "City Lights". Click, Listen, Swoon, etc.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Status Oversharers

Does this ever happen to you?

Do you find yourself sitting in front of your Computer System just flummoxed & bewildered by how to operate that dag'nab Facespace!!!??? Well worry no further elderly black and white woman, chances are your dreadful offspring aren't doing it properly either.

You want truisms, I gots the truisms, kids. Whether you've resisted the Facebook for contrarian reasons or you just don't understand this series of Tubes, the internets, one thing is certain -everyone's just wild about it! As Facebook balloons to (350) million users, anthropologists from The Uzbekistan Center for Projected Projections are projecting that there will likely be (325) million misusers.

Which is why I step forward this week to address a budding epidemic in the Facebook sphere:

The Status Oversharers.

You know them, you hate them. They are the oversharers. Sure, at first it was just the emo's, teenage girls and the chronically needy, but as the age of the average Facebook user grows, decorum in answer to the question, "what's on your mind?" is quickly devolving.

In the interest of making you a better human (ie. the Pursuit of Greatness), I have identified the top (5) most irritating overshares, which I will share with you now.

Number One: The Yogi Overshare

Please don't do this to us... Just because you spend every night in Child's Pose, attempting to see your own asshole, does not mean we have to take part in this dippy salutation.

Number Two: The Farmville Addict Overshare

Yes, I get that the game is addictive, but you know what? If you go on your vacation and your whole imaginary garden dies, like scorched-earth dies, it will be totally fine because kids, it's a computer game. So go get some sun, you'll love it! Oh, and another thing, stop trying to recruit me to play, ya creepy Moonie!

Number Three: The Baby Minutiae Overshare

Congratulations on your ability to both procreate and keep the bambino alive! If I can go without posting status updates detailing every time I take a dump -and trust me, I really want to- then mayhaps you could show some restraint as well.

Number Four: The Mental Hygiene Overshare
Ggggggggggg, I'm uncomfortable...

Number Five: The Domestic Dispute Overshare
Scorned sir posting this status, while you deliver perhaps the most entertaining of all the overshares, ultimately all you're doing is providing leads for gentlemen seeking "cheating, puss-filled whores".

And there you have it, dear cherubs. What did we learn from today? Post wisely, light-heartedly, and remember: always make sure you're posting in the right box -so to speak. [That is your cue to click this link, so take the hint.]

Sunday, January 03, 2010

RIP 2009

OH NOES! WHO PUT THAT BABY IN THE BOX!?! Oh yeah, a bank. They do that for fun these days -cause why the fuck not, it's just a baby.

Wowie zowie you guys. This year is finally coming to an end and I say good riddance to bad rubbish. What a year of just crap:
  • Bailout of the banks -they proceed with obscene bonuses anyway.
  • Bailout of the auto industry -because yes, when gas is $4/gallon how could they possibly predict we might want more fuel efficient cars.
  • Everyone is famous and they're all reprehensible -(see here and here and here and here and here).
  • We got (luckily) inept terrorists coming out of our ears.
  • Swine flu will kill us all -and China too, pundits tell us, in a method TBD
Big highlight of the year -I've still got a job! But in a more universal picture there are many poors. So what is one to do? For starters, I suggest we all channel our inner-WASP and just pretend 2009 didn't happen. That's right, just like the time Grandpa Joe gave your Aunt a lobotomy, or internment camps or that time you jaywalked -fuggetaboutit. From here I do declare we shall start fresh, and get our collective shit together to make 2010 super duper!

So in closing, we call upon the good folks at JibJab to summarize:

Make it a great year everybody!


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