Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year, Bitches!

'Tis the season for holiday cop outs, drunken drinkery and animated gifs. Happy New Year, bitches!


Sunday, December 26, 2010

May Your Days Be

May your days be merry & bright.  But not too bright, I'm kinda hungover. Merry Christmas from Greatness with Garrigan Gumption, you sugarplums!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Best Christmas Presents I Never Got

What am I going to get this Christmas?




Well, if it's anything like all the other Christmases, it's a beautifully wrapped box of disappointment.

This coming Saturday is Christmas and I am excited to carry out the annual traditions of performing my impression of Michael Crawford doing an impression of Michael Crawford singing "O Holy Night" while wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask at the old folks home, followed immediately by making a vision board which illustrates with painful salience all the things I failed to achieve this year.  Then I round out the evening by writing strongly-worded letters to everyone who never complimented my hair.  Man, I love traditions.


I'll you one thing I'm not excited about, and that thing is...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

All I Want for Christmas is You!

What do you get for the man who has everything?



This is Nick Cannon. He has everything.  He hosts America's Got Talent, but No Taste or some show, was the lead in the egregiously overlooked Drumline, and perhaps most importantly is the CEO of sexytime with Mariah Carey.  We might think Nick Cannon has it all, but for a just a moment put yourself in Mariah's crazy ass shoes.

How do you ever go shopping for such an accomplished person like that? I mean, he already has a red floppy hat!!!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

What is Santa Thinking?

WHO IS THIS MAN & WHAT IS HE THINKING?


We are now fully in the throes of Holiday Magic, and ain't it grand.  I know that during this time I'm always filled with cheer, goodwill to men, and usually about (3 - 4) corndogs at any given time.  That said, when I take the time to examine our holiday traditions a little closer, I find I'm actually filled with something else... questions.

Santa, for instance, has always been a puzzlement to me.  This man spends (10) months making toys, roughly (1) month hanging around in stores, and then (1) month vacationing in Florida (I think) with all the other old people.  So naturally, I had some questions about the real purposes of this tradition. Questions I wanted to take to the source.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

"The Body Beautiful," An Edutainment with Mark Fisher

Who is this man?


Why is he wearing that silly Aladdin wig? Oh, and why am I all fat and stuff? Your answers to these gripping questions and more after the jump.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hey, Airline Travel! Let's Make A Deal!

Tomorrow evening I'm headed off to my Colorado Western Retreat.  In preparation, I have got to tell you, I'm am absolutely thrilled about the new TSA screening process. I cannot wait to put all my belongings into a plastic bin, take off my shoes all sexy like, whip out my...

BOOMBOX and play this song!



The moment we've been dreading since we were little children has arrived.  Across this most majestic countryside death scanners of deadery, will spray us with radiation juice which will in turn expose our funbags, franks and berries to the world in the form of splotchy black photos.  These images will then be stored in a Socialist Funbag/Franks/Berries Computer Server which will only be visible to members of the World Bank, The Liberal Elites, Dancing with the Stars Judges and the Editorial Board of OK Magazine. Shortly thereafter, we will be living under sharia law and the terrorists will have won.  It is written.  No, really it is.  I just wrote it.

If you don't like this option just step right over here where TSA employees are super excited to touch you in your skin folds, with only your crusty sweatpants and surgical gloves providing the illusion of sanitary conditions to this poor fellow American forced to routinely touch you. Eeeeeeveryone's uncomfortable.

So now, no one is happy, and now we are contractually obligated (See: Newt Gingrich Contract With America Subsection 4, right under "Americans deserve a hearty ham salad sandwich after 4 consecutive hours of work...") to send around emails with THE CAPS LOCK ON!!!!!!!!! And too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!! and maybe even a few of these :(

I say, Let's Make A Deal


The issue is this: We all really like our privacy and dignity when we fly, but you know what else we like? Not getting 'sploded when I fly.  So to the Liberal Media Elites out there and to all the Conservative Conspiracy Theorists out there who say our civil liberties are being strategically taken away from us, I offer you a simple question.  Do you have a better idea?

After the foiled Christmas Day underwear bomber everyone went bonkers over the fact that the Justice Department read the guy his Miranda Rights.  Really? Miranda Rights are the order of the day, pals?  Let's start with fact that this guy had a bomb in his underwear and nobody caught it until he just about got finished setting his wiener on fire.

Here's what I would offer, my deal, if you will.  If you don't have a better idea, let's try these things.  If you don't like them, then drive or take a train or maybe even enjoy a relaxing cruise to your destination. The compromise is, if these new measures don't work, let's not do them anymore and we'll never speak of this again.  How does that sound?

Now if you'll excuse me, it's my turn for a rub down.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

We Need A Little Christmas


Today, I left my apartment and I saw my favorite seasonal sights.  The quaint Christmas lights of Astoria's ambling avenues!  Oh, sure they may not spark these puppies up for another two weeks, but just the mere sight of them made me giddy.


Then I went home to my personal computer (PC for short) only to find out that ELF the musical is opening on Broadway tonight! These are all Christmas Miracles™!  Miracles that are providing inspiration for holiday Magic!

Saturday, November 06, 2010

You Don't Know Me

Don't you ever want  to just be somebody else?  I know I sure do.


Why just the other day, I slipped into my zombie Tony Curtis outfit, just to troll the streets like the common folk do.  What I've realized recently, is that maybe I need to dream bigger in my quest for anonymity. Let me show you what I mean.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

A Special Election Message from Sarah Palin

I am a man. A man with friends in high places.


Yes, ever since my parents bought me that membership to the Columbus Zoo, I have been a friend to the grizzlies -Mama or otherwise.  As many of you know, over the past few years I have covered the meteoric rise of Sarah Palin, and over the course of my work, well, we've become "close."

How close you ask?  You'll find out right after the jump.

THEATERONLINE.COM: Critical Mass


Be sure to click here to see read about the state of the theatrical union as I review Heiress Production's Critical Mass. Click here for the full review!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Beauty in the Bottle: Why Dove Can Kiss My Ass

Oh my good Lawdy, Dove can kiss my ever lovin' ass.


When you look at this collection of ladies, what do you see?  Well, if you're me -and you're not, remember- you see a horribly tacky upper thigh tattoo and some girls who, if given the opportunity, you would probably engage in some seriously naughty "range rovin'", but who probably wouldn't crack Maxim's Hot 100.  Good news ladies, that's OKAY! My beef with you is not that I can't bounce a quarter off your ass.  I don't want to do that.  It is a weird expression and just an odd activity that I have no desire to take part in.  No, my problem is that you buy into this woe-is-me-I-am-a-victim-of-the-fashion-industry horseshit.  I love you just the way you are.  So grab a chicken wing and bring you, your curvy figure and your suceptablility to overly precious marketing messages and join me after the jump.

THEATERONLINE.COM: Skin Deep

Be sure to click here to see read about the state of the theatrical union as I review Foolish Theatre Company's SKIN DEEP. Click here for the full review!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Party We Can All Believe In

For those apathetic souls among us, GWGG proudly presents your new Hopey Change.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Tips for Trips: Middle East Edition

You know what the world needs now? Just a little touch of Greatness.

Well hello young kiddies!  Over the past few weeks, it may have seemed to some that my posts may have been a tad spartan and half-assed.  Well, not to me.  I only see happy literary accidents.  Bob Ross taught me this I think it is disrespectful to disagree with the deceased because they lack the ability to rebut your comments, you insensitive prick.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Kingdom of Heaven Bound

Hey All,

No bloggery today... I'm kingdom of heaven bound!


But if you're reeeeal nice, you'll get a post from Jordan, yes, Jordan (of NKOTB).

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Patrick's D-Baggers vs. Sarah's Teabaggers

Sarah Pie! How I love your squinty, piercing thoughtful eyes or desperate need of an ophthalmologist.

Holy shit you guys, our country is so frickin' awesome!

When I was growing up I was always told if you want to be successful in America, what you had to do was be kind, smart, and hardworking (and white).  Well, in recent months we continue to learn that you don't have to do any of that (but the being white part still does seem to be reeeeeeaaaaalllly helpful)!

If your anything like me, this is very welcome news.  I don't know about you, but I have very soft hands and they callus very easily.  Then when I get calluses, well you know, then I can't stop picking at them.  So my hands are all bloody and full of dead scabby skin -grodie.  Oh, and don't even get me started on the fatigue of "work." No, thank you.

Yes comrades, the secret is so much simpler, and I'll tell you what it is -right after the jump, of course.

THEATERONLINE.COM: Joan Rivers Live in Times Square!

So this was my first "article" as opposed to review for JOAN RIVERS LIVE IN TIMES SQUARE for TheaterOnline.com.  You can read my article on her show here.  Also, if you haven't seen Piece of Work, you really should.  Oh, and did I mention you can read my article here?  'Cause you can.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Patrick & Theresa Made Speech & Other Events (Like Lise & John's Wedding)

Ladies and gentlemen, last weekend something very important happened.


Yes, after writing this wildly hysterical comedy blog for (4) years (Has it really been (4) years you ask of your self and nod confidently with the knowledge that yes, it has in fact been (4) years.  Where does time go?) I was asked to perform my first professional bit of standup comedy.  I wasn't given very many details, but I was to wear a navy blue suit and the tie would be provided.  This was going to be a classy gig, I thought to myself.  White House Correspondents Dinner, perhaps?

Well, you'll see right after the jump.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Labor Day Means A Day Off


In honor of the holiday, I'll be taking this week off. Labor Day means not working for a day because you earned it because you work the rest of the time and this makes sense for reasons I can't explain. There's also a big event this weekend. More on that coming soon!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You An Asshole? Here's Your TeeVee Program

You know what they say, "Ideas are like assholes: everyone has one and most of them are on TV."


You guys, today is Monday and I watched the teevee for the first time in quite a little while.  I sat in my Barcalounger just agape unable to control the way that I felt about the unfortunate thing that I was watching.  Oh, you know, like the way you felt the first time you saw this.

I wish what I was saying was making sense, but the fact of the matter is that once again, the crap that I have seen tonight has soiled yes, this, the most fertile of minds.  What's that? You don't understand what I mean? Well I'll show you, right after you click here...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Next Ground Zero Mosque

You know what's super dooper awesome? The First Amendment and our impressive tolerance of the practice of other's religions.
 
Mosque1


Yes, we US Americans are so good at this religious tolerance thing, some might say we have that shit on "lockdown." I mean not me per se because I don't listen to --though I'm completely tolerant of-- "HIP-HOP" but, you know, people.

As you may have heard there's been a lot of hullabaloo in the past few weeks over plans to build a mosque near the site of Ground Zero. People have straight up said that these plans are nothing short of pure cockamamie despite the fact that it has been reported here and here and here that ooopsie doops, there's already a mosque around Ground Zero.  Listen, I don't really care where they put a mosque so long as there is a location close by where I can secure some quality halal street meat.


It seems to me this whole dialog has gotten way off track.  You know what we need to distract refocus us? I'll tell you after the jump.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A Little Something Cheery

Do you ever chase a plastic bag around the outside of a grocery store and lament, "sometimes there's just too much beauty in the world." Well stop it.

Instead, I would prefer that you just play this most delightful song and cheerily bop along. That's all I ask.



Friends, Home is when ever I'm with you.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Doctor is Drunk In


Oh, Peanuts cartoons, you are positively hysterical.  The idea that you would actually tell a female what you're really thinking? Hysterical. I fucking love cartoons.  Almost as much as I love boozy, booze, booze, yum, yum bits.  Now, I'm not saying that -what was I saying?

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and you're like, "Dude, you should be the villain in a Sylvester Stalone action remake?"  Yeah, me too.  No, I'm not drunk I'm just full of hoppy self-evidency. But you want to know something? C'mere.  I love you, man.  You know what happened to me? I just found my calling.  Fo reals.  You wanna no what it is?  I'll tell you right after the jump. I promise I'll be more sobery by then.

THEATERONLINE.COM: WOLVES

Click here to read Patrick's review of Kids with Guns' WOLVES.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Twitter Explained

Hey Twats! Have you ever wanted to know a lot of stuff without all that pesky "reading comprehension"? Well now you can!


That's right friends, due to advances in social networking technology, you can read the headlines, the whole headlines and nothing but the headlines - SO HELP YOU GOD! But how does it work??? After the jump I'll tell you how, and as if that wasn't enough, I'll also share the secret recipe for Aunt Sue's apple roll ups!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Just Rode in From Denver and Boy Are My Inner Legs Sore!


Well howdy pard'ner.  I just got in from Denver.  Now, I may be a little slow to your local tongue these days, as I've spent the past few days speakin' In'jun where I've been known more commonly by my Navajo name, Fay One Who Ropes Fiberglass Cow.  Yes, it was good times out there among the Rockies, scrubbing my jibbly bits clean in the Rio Grande, and strugglin to avoid them there venereal diseases they have out there at them weddings board-ellos.

But friends if I'm to tell this tale -and tell it right and true, I'm just gonna have to tell you in pictures; for if you've ever read this blog, you know that's-a what I'mma gonna do!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Help Me With The Final Countdown (Till I Move Back to Astoria)

This is not a test, this is...











That's right friends, when the countdown above concludes, I will be making my triumphant return back to Astoria, Queens.  But what exactly does return to Queens look like?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Best or Worst Campaign Ad Ever: Now 75% More Gun-y!

Do you remember this this most elegantly chapeaux'ed friend? Of course you do!


This is the fine, fine no-nonsense taker running for county ag commissioner. A man who is entirely fed up with people, "stealing dogshine from urine and porters." Well just when you thought it couldn't get more bad ass -it has!

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Oh Noes, Linds!


What did I do over my 4th of July? Oh, you know, alcohol induced rampage -but looky here! I picked up these nifty aviators too! Just like Maverick! USA! USA! USA! ...but then I stepped on them.

When I woke up from my Sauvignon Blanc-induced stupor I learned that important "news" had happened.  What "news" you ask?  Was it the potentially historic meeting between Obama and Netanyahu? No! Was it my role in exhumation of Billy Bobby Fischer's remains? No. What waas it?  Well, I'll tell you (after the jump).

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Everyone's A Critic, Especially Me

How gross is this picture, friends? Almost as gross & upsetting as this picture. By the way artists, be sure to wipe a little more closely. You nasty.

This past month I was given the opportunity to join the classe critique, when I was invited to become a part of the editorial team of TheaterOnline.com as a reviewer.  In this new role, one can't help but ask, "Patrick how can some one like you, with such deep roots in the classe artiste change teams?  Furthermore Mr. Garrigan, what does a 'Patrick Garrigan Review' look like?"

All valid questions, which I will answer now.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Monday, June 07, 2010

Make Me A Real Housewife of New York City (Please)

Tomorrow, I turn 31 years old.  I don't really like this.  I feel like once you leave your twenties it's like Life says to you, "nice job chucklehead, now what're you going to do with your Life." -which is weird because why is Life talking about itself in the third person and what's with the condescending tone?

To help me deal with this pain and the endless shame that this blog continues to bring to my family name, (ultimately leading to my inability to become farm commissioner of some shit town in Alabama) I've been spending my waning hours as a 30 year old daydreaming and thinking about what is next.

I've given this a lot of thought and I think I'd just like to be independently wealthy -but what to do?  It was this item that really plagued my walk up 5th Avenue tonight.  Oh sure I came up with really cute titles that I could give myself like His Lordship The Archduke of Aloof or The Supreme Commander of Snark or Todd, but none of them seemed to be a perfect fit.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Gone Memorializin'


My fellow US Americans.  I am up in Wisconsin working on becoming obese.  In honor of Memorial Day, there will be no blog.  But tune in next week when there will be jokes and fun and hijinks!

Monday, May 24, 2010

My Computer Has a Virus


You try to seek out ooooooonnnnne Chelsea Handler sex tape and you get a virus.  What gives?  Do the internets hate comedy or comediennes or comedienne tittays?  I. Don't. Know.  All I know is my computer is broken. 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Best or Worst Campaign Ad Ever?

Big Super Tuesday tomorrow! Do you have Anti-Incumbent Fever?


I don't. I have whooping cough, be sure to wash your hands.

Do you ever see something and you ask yourself, "is what I'm seeing the best thing I've ever seen or the worst?"  Well, friends, I have got one for you right here right after the "Read More" jump below! Yeehaw!

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Unintended Consequences of the Times Square Car Bomber

What is this man smirking about?

Terr-uh.

The Feds have captured this man, Faisal Shazad, in an impressive albeit almost too late (53) hours after his failed attempt to bomb a busy Times Square.  While it seems that the death and destruction of a Pakistani Taliban strike has been held at bay for another day,  there are a few consequences of his actions which will ring on long after he's been hanged or shot or whatever we do to people who use Bluetooth devices these days. 

Please click the following "read more" link to do just that (it's the new thing here).  Otherwise, the terror-uhsts win.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Mother's Day: A Poetic Exploration


Mamma Mia! This is me.  This is my mom.  Her name is Mary. She prefers you call her Mary, and not Mrs. Garrigan.  It's nice of you to ask though.

It's Mother's Day next Sunday. In anticipation of the big day where we offer a tip of the hat to that lady made sure that you didn't die until you could make poor choices all on your own, I have decided to revisit the old M-O-T-H-E-R song and apply my own unique world view to this classic. Okay?  Let's go!

M - is for the MILES we drove to get to Bob Evans for comfort food after I buried the car in rabbit shit.

O - is for the OINTMENT she applied to my ass after I had that tumor removed.

T - is for the TURNIPS she taught me how to mash.

H- is for the HAUNTING OF MY DREAMS that her creepy doll collection* caused.

E - is for the EMBRYO she provided the most lovely home for.

R - is for the REALLY UPSET TUMMY she had after we had Indian that one time.

OR

R (alternate) - REALLY GLAD SHE'S MY MOM!

So much so in fact that I made this epilepsy-inducing Blingee-gift for her!  Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Conan Speaks!

That's right friends, after a several months of silence, Conan speaks about his departure from the Tonight Show.  The interview isn't quite as scathing as I would like, but I guess if I had the possibility of forfeiting $32M teetering in the balance, I'd probably chose my words carefully as well.


Meanwhile in DC last night that giant sucking sound you heard was Jay Leno doing what he does best -make large groups of people simultaneously cringe.  And here he is at Nerd Prom with his unique brand of "have you ever noticed" banality:


Perhaps the AP should reconsider the "Comedian"attribution. I know it's been (4) months since this whole thing happened, but it still makes me crazy. This weekend I used finger nail clippers to pop blisters on my feet and it was 45% more enjoyable than watching this guy clumsily deliver such dated, canned crap.

TEAM COCO 4EVAH - NEVER FORGET!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Bang! Bang! Patrick Explains the Funny Pages!

It just warms my heart to provide you with water cooler chatter like, "Hey, did you see Patrick put his head in an oyster shell this week? That was some pretty crazy shit." Or other times I like to work the headlines, just like Bill Pullman, and explore today's most current events. That's the case this week.


A Utah death row inmate upon be provided the choice between lethal injection and firing squad replied, "I would like the firing squad, please." This, as we know, is awesome. Aaaand he said please so now he can choose between regular milk or chocolate milk at snack time.

Now, I know a lot of us -and by us I of course mean me, because I feel it would be a tad rude for me to speak for you, you know, without us having discussed it first- we, go back and forth on the pros and CONS of the death penalty. I've kind of netted out thusly. I do not want to kill an innocent man, but let's be real, the guy we're talking about shot his way out of the courthouse killing an attorney and wounding a bailiff in a splash of Wild West panache. It seems some how fitting that justice be carried out in a similar fashion. That's really neither here nor there, because that's not even what we're talking about today, so don't get your panties in a twist -however if your panties are already in a twist, please send pics.

No, today I'm here to talk about how the news of this execution has influenced pop culture. Namely, your Sunday morning comics! Do you ever look at your newspaper (me neither) and wonder exactly what makes those comics about current events so funny? Well today, I explain all the firing squad ones for you! Yesssss! So let us to the belly laughs that can only result from someone getting shot in the heart until they die of death!

OK, for this one we're hearkening back to the older days where people with mustaches, in an effort to seem more gracious, offered a last cigarette prior to shooting their captive. But get this kids, nowadays we know cigarettes cause life-threatening diseases. So there's a little bit of irony here because even though Science tells us he's going to die of the bulletz before the cancer, El Capitan points out the dangers of cigarettes! This is just silly. Oh the irreverence, oh the LOLZ-ery!


Have you ever committed gruesome acts of crime & violence that made it difficult to win over your significant other's parents? Well, this cartoon's for you!

For those uninitiated, in prison sometimes men have sex with other men and that is what is depicted in this picture. It's either that or he is doing just the most charming reenactment of the song "Mooning" from the hit Broadway tuner, "Grease" featuring a enticingly salt 'n peppah'd Taylor Hicks. Man, that guy can sing!

How much do you love the internets, guys? Like gobs, right? Do you ever try to click through to your favorite World Wide Web site, and some times a takes a minute and your browser says "Loading". Well, when you're about to be shot with rifles, and you're waiting to get shot they have to "load" their guns. This is also loading -the guns and the internet, they are the same thing!


This one is funny because getting shot with a gun is serious, but it's a little more fun with bunny rabbit ears on Charles -he's such a dweeb!

This one is about putting people out of their misery. I mean fuck Humpy Dumpty! What did he ever do for anyone except sit on a wall he knew he couldn't balance on like a fucking free-loader, just waiting to fall off. Then what happens? He falls off. Biiiig fucking surprise. Then all the Kings horses and all the Kings men to put him back together again. You know who pays for all those horses and men? You do, with your tax dollars.

I say, it is a much better use of the Kingdoms resources to shoot Humpty Dumpy off the fucking wall, make an egg white omlette to feed the poors a breakfast high in protein, and put the shell on the compost heap to create fertilizer which could be used to produce a really great corn yield to benefit everyone! Especially with corn subsidies as they've been the past few years in the Kingdom... Fire away, boys!


So there you have it friends, all the execution humor that's fit to print! Let's keep an eye on Utah, Gumptioneers. If it gave us Orrin Hatch it can't all be bad can it?





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