Sunday, December 20, 2009

Your Guide to Precipitation

Evidently, there was some precipitation this weekend or something? It's true! Just look!



This past Saturday we experienced Hell Blizzard of Death 2009: Back in the Habit™ and my warm, welcome Upper East Side townhouse / hovel has been transformed to look like this:


Which is nice because Superman has relocated his Fortress of Solitude to my apartment. Which would just be full out awesome if it weren't for the fact that he takes waaay too long in the bathroom. Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, snow. As I reflect on the past few weeks, I feel like the full Christmas spirit hasn't been wholly embraced by New Yorkers. In fact, some people have just been cold hatin' on Christmas. What gives?

For the longest time, I thought that was due to the fact that there had been only minimal snow. Then when the snow finally comes, everyone's on the express train to Complainytown! [Editorial: incedentially the express train to Complainytown does have a bar car, so that's nice.]

I'm The Problem Solver, I solve problems. With that in mind, I feel like it might be helpful if I teach you the tools to survive the Wintry White Stuff in a little segment I like to call, "Your Guide to Precipitation."


A lot of people are stupid. Who knows, you may even be stupid too! You really should have applied yourself a little more in school and not huffed so much glue -but alas, this is where we find ourselves today, and I'm here to help you, you mental midgets of the world. How will I do this? I'm glad you asked. I'm going to take you through some common snowy issues and provide you with some tools to overcome these climate complications.

Preemptive Precipitation Panic Attack

Gather round, I'mma gonna let you in on a wittle secret. It's snowed before, it will snow again, we're gonna be just fine.

Of all the forms of weather, I gotta say I'm least scared of the snow. It is the only weather that when it happens instead of your shit getting blown to skitter or flooded, it actually provides you with shelter! Yes! Worst case scenario, igloos. So rather than freaking out, take comfort in the fact that you could live in a bitching ice house, which is probably nicer than the shithole you live in now, anyways. Relish in this friends. Please don't panic, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. It just means that you can add that guest room to your icy palace.


It's Such A Pain to Get Around In

Another common snow-related complaint: it's hard to get around in. False. It is in fact not hard to get around in at all. Here's alls ya gotta do. Bundle up 'n go! It's actually really easy to get around in. Unlike the summer where you can only take off so much clothing before you find yourself with an indecent exposure ticket, in these wintry months put on as many layers as ye may! You look so much better layered anyway, friends. It covers up the fact that you've eaten far too many cookies.

This is a double-edged sword however. Don't go too far. For instance, and I can't stress this enough, YOU DO NOT NEED AN UMBRELLA. New Yorkers have no idea how to behave with an umbrella in the rain, add some snow -complete fucking idiots. You just don't need it. They're snowflakes, nature's art project. Let them fall and dissipate into nothing, you umbrella-carrying dolt!

A note about footwear. I love shoes. I really do. When the snow comes, some of your prettier cobbler creations may have to go on vacation for a few months or at the very least live in a bag until you reach your destination. It will be snowy. It will be cold. It will be slushy. Plan accordingly. I can not tell you how many times I've had to stand in the middle of the street while I wait for some fucktard to figure out what best way to ford a slushy creek. It's snowing outside, plan ahead! Winter boots and trendy galoshes are both fashionable and functional, so get into 'em.

Leave the Driving to Us
We know from our drivers education classes that one should leave (1) car length for every 10mph that one drives, yes? Yes. I get that we are a nation of go, go, go -I dig. But unlike the puritanical use of the 10 and 2 mentality, the distance thing is a good idea. Especially when there are 3 - 4 inches of snow on the ground, you chuckleheads!

I love seeing snow related slippery slidey accidents into ditches. Because I will bet you 9 times out of 10 the person was just being a jerk, had to slam on their brakes and ended up where they belong. In the gutter. Too harsh? Maybe. People, the snow is slippery. You are operating a several thousand pound vehicle that moves faster than you can run without even trying. If you can't control its stopping and slowing well then perhaps you're not doing it very well.

Do You Believe the State of the Airlines These Days?

I get that it's Christmas time, that you're incredibly important (please, no one gets that better than me), and that you paid a lot for these aeroplane tickets. Sad reality is friend, no matter how important you are, the snow falls from the sky which is inconveniently the same place that your mode of transport travels.

Another fun fact: it's real cold up there. This makes it hard for the moving pieces that make your plane soar from whatever depressing location to are escaping from to whatever depressing location you are going to.

Good rule of thumb, if you're traveling around the holidays your shit's gonna be delayed. Yup. So rather than get huffy and post angry Facebook updates about how you hate Delta/American Airlines/JetBlue/US Airways/Contintentail et al. go buy a book you've been meaning to read, go have a beer at the bar, and take comfort in the fact that these fine air travel professionals want your ass gone much more than you do.


...aaaand there you have it! Now, for the love of baby Jebus, can we please enjoy this lovely snowy Christmas? Thank you.

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