Sunday, December 13, 2009

200th Post: The Gift of Knowledge

Once in a millennium comes a writer as prolific as myself, and for joy I've brought your life, all gifts can be sent to CCXXIV East LXXXVIth Street, ID New York, NY. Attn: Gift for Brightening My Life.

Friends, according to my trusty-ish Blogger dashboard this is evidently my 200th post!!! So that's exciting, right? As is our Christian Christmas tradition, while I await your gift arriving in the mail, I used this weekend to come up with a gift for you:

What is it? What is it? I hear you squeal like a pig. Well, it's not Dita Von Teese on a big green box -that's for me. What I got you is something much more useful. The gift of Knowledge.

The Back-story of Your Gift

True Story: Last week as I made my way to work, I was peacefully reading my book, "Tantric Gardening". The train pulled into the 59th Street Station, and the train was suddenly filled with a flux of Midtown-bound commuters. As I raised my head to see who all had entered, I found myself nose to nose with a lady in leggings. More more accurately, given my seated position and her standing position I found myself nose to engorged fupa. Horrified I reimursed myself in my book as I waited for the (3) stops to go by and I would be delivered from this horror.

I was terroized, victimized and most importantly angry. How dare she thrust her extra skin into my face with only a thin swath of black cotton/spandex blend serving to hold this fleshy flood at bay. Then it hit me. She just doesn't know better. This prompted me to tweet on my Twitter, "Look ladies, I'm all for the leggings as pants thing, but let's take a hard look at yourself before deciding your degree of participation."

Which brings me to your gift:

Greatness with Garrigan Gumption Guide to Leggings - Signs You're Doing It Wrong

So, like, sure. I could tell you all the cool, sexy, hip ways to wear leggings but as I was once told by one of our nation's finest musicians, I'm "a very negative person." With that in mind rather than pick out your clothes like Herbert from 4th grade's mom, I will instead give you all the signs you're wearing your leggings improperly.

If you are 50+, on a dock, sitting on a coral towel with a Frederick's of Hollywood thong'd Santa outfit over your leggings you're doing it wrong.

If when you put your leggings on and you look like you're smuggling throw pillows out of Pier 1 Imports, you're doing it wrong.

If you are a lumpy, mistachioed squire, you need to get out of your parents basement aaaand you're doing it wrong.

If your leggings look like those colorful Elementary school era chips they used to toss on throw-up, you're doing it wrong.

If you don your leggings and Grandmother's coat and make your paper delivery boy / best friend take pictures of you in your depressing back yard, you're doing it wrong.

If you're leggings look like the ones above there's good news and there's bad news. Good news: you're doing it right; bad news: you're a prostitute. Sorry about that. If only you'd had a more positive male role model. Alas...

Greatness with Garrigan Gumption Guide to Leggings - Signs You're Doing It Right

If you're Megan Fox, you're doing it right.

There you go. Knowledge is Power, so best of luck with your leggings and your overthrow of the government! Hooray!

GWGG Special Thanks:

As we mentioned last week, the team here at GWGG is collecting coats for the New York Cares Coat drive. The response so far has been great. A very special thanks to Gumptioneers Hector, Billy and Jonathan for their contributions so far! It is greatly appreciated!!!

There's still time! If you live in the (5) boroughs of NYC and have a new or gently used winter coat that you would like to contribute, please drop me a line @ and I will be happy to make arrangements to swing by and pick those up from you!

Thanks and happy holidays!

1 comment:

Chantal said...

So, the Garrigan Gumption Boxer guy is doing it...right? Just not sure of the starry tie-around. Not sure I could pull that off, even with my hotness.


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