Sunday, December 27, 2009

Comments: The Gift of Thanks


Merry Christmas, you crazy kids! I hope you all are fat and sassy and you've already figured out what you're regifting to whom. Fans as we wrap up what was to me a rather meek year, I can't help but think how thankful I am for you, my readers. Yes friends, thanks to your clicking on the spam email, reading and reposting, this humble bastion of journalistic integrity has gone from something that weekly shamed my mother to a monthly readership in the thousands! What's that? These thanks are wholly self-serving? You are correct, sir! So I turn the remainder of this post over to you -the commenters- and present a year of comments entirely out of context:

Hector said...

I'm all for cute puppy pix, but for God's sake, don't cut off your puppy's leg and then attach a toilet paper tube to its stump just to get posted on perhaps the best blog in the universe...

Wait, come to think of it...I'm almost out of paper towels....here, Skippy..! Here, Skippy....

XO
H

Hector said...

To add insult to injury, the news found it necessary to show a photo of a burned up feather that came from one of the engines...or a KFC. Not sure which. What's good for the goose is good for the propagander.

XO
H

Teanna said...

HAHAHAHAH Great, great site Patrick. Going in my Google Reader right about.... now.

sharon said...

I applaud your integrity, now bring on the dick jokes...

Teanna said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

The Pirate/Cuban refugee side by side is too good!

rdsmgb said...

Good times! My folks like like 30 min from Spring Lake. I too have fond memories of waterboarding goodness in the Summertime...

Hector said...

I wholeheartedly agree! Keep the belly underwraps. In fact, pregnancy is a great time for women to take side jobs as bank tellers, box office agents or phone sex workers so we don't have to see it.

PS - I love that the Top Topics count on your blog cites as the highest number of hits: Musicals, Titties, Dick and Fart Jokes.

You're my hero! (well, except for the titties...see above.)

megan said...

Kramer...Beth's last name was Kramer. And yes it was a big deal!

rdsmgb said...

ho. ly. crap.

Jimmy Aquino said...

wow. just...wow.

that blingee thing has got to go if you want to be a big boss pimp like me, fool! dont make me send jimmy melfi over there to break the legs of your chair!

great recap and awesome time hanging w/ you out there. we should try that out here in NYC. :) holla.


Hector said...

Wow. You managed to create a photo even Blingee wouldn't allow....amazing!


Emily said...

I found Michael! :)

Hector said...

I like monkeys.

Anonymous said...

I think all of these are true!!!


momasita said...

I am sorry to say, I think all are true! Except maybe about cleaning up your puke.


rdsmgb said...

sadly, i think the only point i am unsure about is your birthplace. i believe all the rest is likely true. most I KNOW is.

Anonymous said...

i think everything is true except the magic show.

TBone Lawson said...

I'll go with wearing purple, from W. Virginia and working janitor. Why didn't you mention the sex-change thing ?


Kate said...

hmmm...it has been a while since I have read this blog of yours. However, now that i am here i shall recall Garrigan history that I know and say: purple,pineapple (though most in number two are very close to the truth so it is questionable), and the magic show.

Timothy Dunn of Astoria said...

My favorite parts are the "Timothy Dunn" parts and the Astoria parts.

Elizabeth said...

Patrick: You should write a separate political blog. Your commentary is excellent

Anonymous said...

It's nice to see the kitchen of the compound and to see your family. Damn, I love a little overbite.

Chantal said...

So, the Garrigan Gumption Boxer guy is doing it...right? Just not sure of the starry tie-around. Not sure I could pull that off, even with my hotness.



There you have it. Thank you to all who played with me -and those who left comments, HEY-YO! Don't see your name on here? Well resolve to leave more comments in 2010, and in the meantime click on the friend's names here so their websites get hits, or AdSense dollars or Whore Diamonds. Until next year, I'm Patrick Garrigan. GOOD NIGHT!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Your Guide to Precipitation

Evidently, there was some precipitation this weekend or something? It's true! Just look!



This past Saturday we experienced Hell Blizzard of Death 2009: Back in the Habit™ and my warm, welcome Upper East Side townhouse / hovel has been transformed to look like this:


Which is nice because Superman has relocated his Fortress of Solitude to my apartment. Which would just be full out awesome if it weren't for the fact that he takes waaay too long in the bathroom. Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, snow. As I reflect on the past few weeks, I feel like the full Christmas spirit hasn't been wholly embraced by New Yorkers. In fact, some people have just been cold hatin' on Christmas. What gives?

For the longest time, I thought that was due to the fact that there had been only minimal snow. Then when the snow finally comes, everyone's on the express train to Complainytown! [Editorial: incedentially the express train to Complainytown does have a bar car, so that's nice.]

I'm The Problem Solver, I solve problems. With that in mind, I feel like it might be helpful if I teach you the tools to survive the Wintry White Stuff in a little segment I like to call, "Your Guide to Precipitation."


A lot of people are stupid. Who knows, you may even be stupid too! You really should have applied yourself a little more in school and not huffed so much glue -but alas, this is where we find ourselves today, and I'm here to help you, you mental midgets of the world. How will I do this? I'm glad you asked. I'm going to take you through some common snowy issues and provide you with some tools to overcome these climate complications.

Preemptive Precipitation Panic Attack

Gather round, I'mma gonna let you in on a wittle secret. It's snowed before, it will snow again, we're gonna be just fine.

Of all the forms of weather, I gotta say I'm least scared of the snow. It is the only weather that when it happens instead of your shit getting blown to skitter or flooded, it actually provides you with shelter! Yes! Worst case scenario, igloos. So rather than freaking out, take comfort in the fact that you could live in a bitching ice house, which is probably nicer than the shithole you live in now, anyways. Relish in this friends. Please don't panic, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. It just means that you can add that guest room to your icy palace.


It's Such A Pain to Get Around In

Another common snow-related complaint: it's hard to get around in. False. It is in fact not hard to get around in at all. Here's alls ya gotta do. Bundle up 'n go! It's actually really easy to get around in. Unlike the summer where you can only take off so much clothing before you find yourself with an indecent exposure ticket, in these wintry months put on as many layers as ye may! You look so much better layered anyway, friends. It covers up the fact that you've eaten far too many cookies.

This is a double-edged sword however. Don't go too far. For instance, and I can't stress this enough, YOU DO NOT NEED AN UMBRELLA. New Yorkers have no idea how to behave with an umbrella in the rain, add some snow -complete fucking idiots. You just don't need it. They're snowflakes, nature's art project. Let them fall and dissipate into nothing, you umbrella-carrying dolt!

A note about footwear. I love shoes. I really do. When the snow comes, some of your prettier cobbler creations may have to go on vacation for a few months or at the very least live in a bag until you reach your destination. It will be snowy. It will be cold. It will be slushy. Plan accordingly. I can not tell you how many times I've had to stand in the middle of the street while I wait for some fucktard to figure out what best way to ford a slushy creek. It's snowing outside, plan ahead! Winter boots and trendy galoshes are both fashionable and functional, so get into 'em.

Leave the Driving to Us
We know from our drivers education classes that one should leave (1) car length for every 10mph that one drives, yes? Yes. I get that we are a nation of go, go, go -I dig. But unlike the puritanical use of the 10 and 2 mentality, the distance thing is a good idea. Especially when there are 3 - 4 inches of snow on the ground, you chuckleheads!

I love seeing snow related slippery slidey accidents into ditches. Because I will bet you 9 times out of 10 the person was just being a jerk, had to slam on their brakes and ended up where they belong. In the gutter. Too harsh? Maybe. People, the snow is slippery. You are operating a several thousand pound vehicle that moves faster than you can run without even trying. If you can't control its stopping and slowing well then perhaps you're not doing it very well.

Do You Believe the State of the Airlines These Days?

I get that it's Christmas time, that you're incredibly important (please, no one gets that better than me), and that you paid a lot for these aeroplane tickets. Sad reality is friend, no matter how important you are, the snow falls from the sky which is inconveniently the same place that your mode of transport travels.

Another fun fact: it's real cold up there. This makes it hard for the moving pieces that make your plane soar from whatever depressing location to are escaping from to whatever depressing location you are going to.

Good rule of thumb, if you're traveling around the holidays your shit's gonna be delayed. Yup. So rather than get huffy and post angry Facebook updates about how you hate Delta/American Airlines/JetBlue/US Airways/Contintentail et al. go buy a book you've been meaning to read, go have a beer at the bar, and take comfort in the fact that these fine air travel professionals want your ass gone much more than you do.


...aaaand there you have it! Now, for the love of baby Jebus, can we please enjoy this lovely snowy Christmas? Thank you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

200th Post: The Gift of Knowledge


Once in a millennium comes a writer as prolific as myself, and for joy I've brought your life, all gifts can be sent to CCXXIV East LXXXVIth Street, ID New York, NY. Attn: Gift for Brightening My Life.

Friends, according to my trusty-ish Blogger dashboard this is evidently my 200th post!!! So that's exciting, right? As is our Christian Christmas tradition, while I await your gift arriving in the mail, I used this weekend to come up with a gift for you:

What is it? What is it? I hear you squeal like a pig. Well, it's not Dita Von Teese on a big green box -that's for me. What I got you is something much more useful. The gift of Knowledge.

The Back-story of Your Gift

True Story: Last week as I made my way to work, I was peacefully reading my book, "Tantric Gardening". The train pulled into the 59th Street Station, and the train was suddenly filled with a flux of Midtown-bound commuters. As I raised my head to see who all had entered, I found myself nose to nose with a lady in leggings. More more accurately, given my seated position and her standing position I found myself nose to engorged fupa. Horrified I reimursed myself in my book as I waited for the (3) stops to go by and I would be delivered from this horror.

I was terroized, victimized and most importantly angry. How dare she thrust her extra skin into my face with only a thin swath of black cotton/spandex blend serving to hold this fleshy flood at bay. Then it hit me. She just doesn't know better. This prompted me to tweet on my Twitter, "Look ladies, I'm all for the leggings as pants thing, but let's take a hard look at yourself before deciding your degree of participation."

Which brings me to your gift:

Greatness with Garrigan Gumption Guide to Leggings - Signs You're Doing It Wrong


So, like, sure. I could tell you all the cool, sexy, hip ways to wear leggings but as I was once told by one of our nation's finest musicians, I'm "a very negative person." With that in mind rather than pick out your clothes like Herbert from 4th grade's mom, I will instead give you all the signs you're wearing your leggings improperly.

If you are 50+, on a dock, sitting on a coral towel with a Frederick's of Hollywood thong'd Santa outfit over your leggings you're doing it wrong.


If when you put your leggings on and you look like you're smuggling throw pillows out of Pier 1 Imports, you're doing it wrong.


If you are a lumpy, mistachioed squire, you need to get out of your parents basement aaaand you're doing it wrong.


If your leggings look like those colorful Elementary school era chips they used to toss on throw-up, you're doing it wrong.



If you don your leggings and Grandmother's coat and make your paper delivery boy / best friend take pictures of you in your depressing back yard, you're doing it wrong.


If you're leggings look like the ones above there's good news and there's bad news. Good news: you're doing it right; bad news: you're a prostitute. Sorry about that. If only you'd had a more positive male role model. Alas...


Greatness with Garrigan Gumption Guide to Leggings - Signs You're Doing It Right


If you're Megan Fox, you're doing it right.


There you go. Knowledge is Power, so best of luck with your leggings and your overthrow of the government! Hooray!

---
GWGG Special Thanks:

As we mentioned last week, the team here at GWGG is collecting coats for the New York Cares Coat drive. The response so far has been great. A very special thanks to Gumptioneers Hector, Billy and Jonathan for their contributions so far! It is greatly appreciated!!!

There's still time! If you live in the (5) boroughs of NYC and have a new or gently used winter coat that you would like to contribute, please drop me a line @ greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com and I will be happy to make arrangements to swing by and pick those up from you!

Thanks and happy holidays!

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Dept of Shameless Self-Promotion: 'Tis the Season

'Tis the Season...for sorta self-serving self-promotion!

Merry Christmas everyone. I would like to start the holiday season by telling you what I want for Christmas.

#1.Flip Camera (for porn)
#2.Wife beaters (for beating my wife)
#3.Iron skillet (for beating my wife)
#4.Stationery (for correspondence with foreign dignitaries)
#5.Sheepskin slippers (for porn)

Yes my friends as you can see from my wish list between porn, beating wives and correspondence with foreign dignitaries, I've really honed in a rather narrow focus.

However, when I'm not doing one of these (3) things I've been doing a little bit of writing beyond this here blog. One of those lil' projects is a new short play entitled, "Measured, Objective Reporting". Wouldn't you know it, this inking was picked up to be staged by the bantam theatrical outfit, Dalliance Theatre Company as part of their Virgin Plays series.

Well, as you might imagine the production overhead for such an undertaking is HUGE! What with the chandelier that drops at the end of the first act, the Swarovski crystal encrusted costumes and the cast of thousands -the costs start to add up, PAL! As a result, Dalliance is throwing a big partay, "Not So Silent Night" THIS WEDNESDAY to score some holiday scratch! What's that? You wanna go? Tut, tut my pretties. Here's the info!

On Wednesday, December 9th, Dalliance Theater welcomes Barnaby Bright, Zelazowa, Drew Gasparini and Kelli Firth to Not-So-Silent Night, a night of music and merriment at the Mean Fiddler in Times Square!

Tickets are only $10 at the door! Ring in the holidays with amazing drink specials ($4 domestic and $5 imported, well drinks and shots!), great music and great friends! Plus an amazing raffle, where you can win theater tickets, gift bundles and much more!

All proceeds benefit Dalliance and our upcoming production of Virgin Plays.

Doors open at 7:30 and the concert starts at 8:00. Downstairs at the Mean Fiddle (266 W. 47th, btwn B'way and 8th Ave).

So that's the skinny about that. Among the prizes available will be an autographed copy of my book, "No I Wasn't Checking Out Your Rack" "Guerrilla Marketing for Dummies" which makes a great holiday gift during this or any recession! Please come or I will have to drink / cry alone, or as I like to call it -Wednesday.

###

In other news...

Every year for (1) month, I decide to be less of an asshole and use some of my powers for good instead of evil. With that in mind, we at GWGG will once again be participating in the 21st Annual New York Cares Coat Drive.

So if you live in the (5) boroughs of NYC and have a new or gently used winter coat that you would like to contribute, please drop me a line @ greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com and I will be happy to make arrangements to swing by and pick those up from you!

###

And lastly...

Did you ever wish you toured with an ultra cool "rock band" bangin' skanks on the road and then writing songs about bangin' skanks which garners you more skanks in a seemingly endless cycle of skank-bangery? Well, you can't because you can't play the guitar and have a bad haircut. Luckily, friend of Greatness, Colin Donnell, has both and will share those tunes with you now. Enjoy?





Just scrumptious, riiiight? As if that wasn't enough, he's also literate. You can enjoy his command of the alphabet at his sparkly new blog, Donnellog.

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Well friends, that's it for next week. Enjoy the sights and smells of the season. Who knows, there may even be a holiday pictorial on the horizon.... A true Christmas Miracle.

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