Sunday, November 22, 2009

You Want A Miracle on 34th Street?

It will be a miracle Santa doesn't die of Swine Flu.

Haul out the holly -it may not even be Thanksgiving yet- but as I made my way down 5th Avenue this weekend, it appears we need a little Christmas right this very fucking minute! Driven by our insatiable need for holiday Americana, we send New York's Jolliest on the front lines of biological terror: disease-ridden children.

Let me be perfectly clear, I hold no special place in my heart for Santa. I mean sure, he looks great on Christmas cards and those creepily awesome '60's claymation movies, but when you really break it down, he's only a hop, skip and a jump away from clowns, and we all know how I feel about that.

That said, The Sacramento Bee (which can't really be the name of the paper, can it?) is reporting that this year Santa's everywhere are worried about getting ye ole swine flu, and want to get an early dose of H1N1 vaccination. The story has lots of quotes and facts and stuff, but the gist of it is that the Santa's aren't eligible for early vaccination because they aren't babies, aren't old enough, and don't generally don't have pre-existing medical conditions, as self-loathing doesn't count. The Catch 22 of this situation however, is that generally Santa's are fat fuckers who can grow to be as large as 700 pounds in some Midwestern states. Being this overweight makes them highly susceptible to the disease. Unfortunately for Kris Kringle, that doesn't fall under the realm of a medical condition, and more often puts Santa in the gross slob column.

So what is Santa to do? All it takes is one buggery, sneezey, wheezy, sticky Santophile to come over and give the 'ol Cookie Eater a tug on the love handles and suddenly, just like a pathogenic Oprah, "You Get A Swine Flu! You Get A Swine Flu! You Get A Swine Flu!"

Desperate times call for desperate measures:

"Update" The Lore of Santa

Naughty or Nice? For far too long, children have been coddled by Santa. It's time that we bring Santa into modernity by creating Santa The Decider. Rather than sitting on Santa's lap, each child will be given the opportunity approach the bench and make the case as to whether they had been naughty or nice that year. Those who make a convincing case to Santa will be rewarded by having all their Christmas wishes come true. Those deemed unconvincing and/or incoherent will be found naughty, awarded nothing and must return to the mall at a later date for sentencing.

This is a really good idea on two levels. First and most important, it keeps Santa out of range of those contaminated kids. Secondly, let's be honest, it's usually the most sucky kids who get all the cool toys. This serves to create a true holiday meritocracy.

Santa Scrubs!

I can hear you all now, "don't change the story of Santa, I love him and the holiday wonder he provides." Well, fine, but just know no one likes you. If you insist on letting your kids touch Santa, which is creepy in its own right, might I suggest some attire updates for your children to wear? Updates like my new patented Santa Scrubs!

This new technology encases your children in plastic and denies any outlet for mucus membranes to escape from your bacteria hosts or kids or whatever they're called these days. Oh sure, maybe there are some "suffocation issues" in putting a kid in a kitchen garbage bag, but who's life is more important Santa's or your kid's? C'mon people, it's Christmas, think of someone other than yourself for once!

Zero-tolerance Parental Caning

As we know, I'm big on personal responsibility -especially when it comes to parenting. So here's how this thing works. If one of you chucklehead parents bring your visibly diseased kids over to visit Santa, a cheery 4' tall elf will approach you and invite you to an "exclusive" tour of Santa's workshop. Since you are a dipshit you will be flattered by the invitation and accept. Once inside the workshop, you will be tackled by (20) elves amp'd up on meth and then forcibly caned. Happy Holidays!

Sound too drastic? Fine, but just remember when 25 December arrives at your house, and your child rushes downstairs to unwrap it's totally undeserved Zhu Zhu Pet; remember poor 'ol Santa, 'cause the only thing he'll be opening is the toilet to deliver another round of pukey-poopy holiday cheer. He's only Kris Kringle, the King of Jingling, for khrissake!

Mall Santas say H1N1 flu risks warrant early vaccinations [The Sacramento Bee]

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