Sunday, October 25, 2009

Wanted: Perfect Apartment

Wildly attractive, charismatic M seeks 2 - 3 BR Apt; details below:

As some of you may recall a few months shy of a year ago, I moved from Astoria, Queens to the Upper East Side after running away like a little girl valiantly fighting off robbers and drug dealers. Well, since that time, I have found the Upper East Side, how you say, ahhh yes: shitty.

The problem isn't one particular thing, rather an amalgamation of several elements that has made my time here unpleasant. A pinch of Daddy-funded 'Dolce, with a healthy helping of hedge fund hands, and a pile on peoples with a propensity for popped collars. This is a sampling of my daily life on the UES.

It isn't just the neighborhood, its also the apartment. I currently reside in a split level (2) bedroom with a spiral staircase. Awesome right? Not so much. You see I actually live in the lower level of this bi-level apartment -also known as a basement. Not just any basement, a basement without windows. Given that I live in what amounts to a blackout room, I really have no idea what time of day it is and as a result spend much of my day thinking that I've either just come out of a long sleep or should get ready for another. Why even now I sit on my disgustingly stained couch in a groggy daze, unsure of where I am or why this laptop is gently heating up my genitals.

The other problem with living in a windowless room is that all of my wet articles quickly develop mildew and mold. This has it's pluses and minuses. For instance, all my towels smell like ass, but I've been able to cure (4) separate bouts of gonorrhea all by myself like a big boy!

I can hear you now, "blah, blah, blah, complain, complain, complain, but what are you doing about it?" I'll tell you what I'm doing about it! In the words of my life coach, Timothy Dunn, "I'm going to Secret the shit out of it." I'm going to start by creating a want ad to put out into the Universe. A want ad I will share with you now.

WANTED: PERFECT APARTMENT FOR PERFECT NYC 30-SOMETHING

Do you want to rent me an apartment? You bet your ass you do.

Wildly charismatic, highly verbal, physically fit young professional seeks an apartment that is "the shit" -much like himself.

I'm accustomed to the finer things in life: caviar, fine wine and fine women. I expect nothing less in my domicile.

Currently seeking apartments in the following neighborhoods: the Upper West Side, Hell's Kitchen, Union Square, and Astoria (cause hey, sometimes we all like to go slumming, am I right, fellas?) Neighborhoods that are on the undesirable list: Upper East Side, anywhere north of 86th Street (or as I like to call it, Lower Bronx) , and Battery Park.

Building must have (24) hour fitness facilities -my body is my temple - and nutritionist on staff. Other must-have amenities include: in-apartment washer / dryer, skylights, hardwood floors, marble countertops, mirrors on all ceilings, bidet, glass shower for sexytime, and at least 1500 sq. ft. to accommodate my (4) Great Danes, Harold, Maude, Benny & Joon; and Cockapoo, Derek.

Open to roommates, but must be female and must have succ'lent tittays -we're talkin' motorboat or bust, ya dig? Also, all roommates must be comfortable doing household chores because I'm sure as shit not going to do them. Interested persons should reply with bodyshot, measurements, and answers from Playboy centerfold questionnaire.

Move in date is March 1, 2010. Also seeking movers who I will promise beer, pizza and good times, and then promptly reneg on once my valuable furniture has been placed.

Serious inquiries only. Look forward to you getting to meet me, and placing me in the apartment I so rightly deserve.


So, you know, if you hear of something opening up in your building or whatever let me know. Thanks, pal.

SPEAKING OF THINGS I WANT:

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1 comment:

Timothy Dunn of Astoria said...

My favorite parts are the "Timothy Dunn" parts and the Astoria parts.

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