Sunday, October 11, 2009

Anger Management Institute

Do you get angry?

Of course you do! We all do. We're only human.

You may view me as a cool, calm and collected cat, but I wasn't always like that. No, I used to be just like you, ANGRY. I would kick kittens, punch holes in walls and ferociously fart in crowded elevators. But that was all before I founded the GWGG Anger Management Institute!

With my new 6-step program, 'GRRRR' BE GONE: Progressing from Pissed to Pleased, you'll learn tactics to control your anger and discover the inner peace you've been seeking. So let's put out that fire that's ragin' in your hair and get started, okay? OK!

STEP 1
Identify the source of your anger
I used to get angry a lot, and then someone would call me or I'd want a snack and I'd forget what upset me in the first place! To avoid this problem, I began to name the things that bothered me by writing who/what it was that had pissed me off on a post-it note alongside the offense and placed it on the person or thing itself. This way when I saw it again, I could remember and deal with it accordingly (ie. kick to shins, freeze bank accounts, etc.).

STEP 2
Find fun in your cell phone
Do you find that the people who make you mad call you on your cellular telephone? "Grumble, grumble. That's no fun!"

Name thy pain! Why just this weekend I added the moniker, "Satan Spawn Whoreface." I gotta tell you, every time it pops up on my phone I giggle and giggle, promptly hit "ignore" and watch another episode of 'COPS.'

STEP 3
Enjoy a cocktail
You've had a hard day and you are ANGRY. Come quitting time, don't stay angry -unwind with a cocktail! Still angry? Baybreeze. A little residual anger? Long Island Iced Tea. A hint of fire in your belly? Battery acid. Pretty soon you'll have forgotten what you were so angry about in the first place. Right David? Of course right.

STEP 4
Find a creative outlet

Often, we overlook the fact that our anger comes from the frustration of not being able to successfully communicate with another person(s). When this is the case, turn to your creative skills, whatever they may be. For instance, I'm really, really, really good at writing poetry and so that's how I work to express myself. Here, let me show you what I mean:

IN IT
A Poem By Patrick Garrigan

Sometimes when you share your opinion I find nothing useful
IN IT, IN IT
Sometimes when I see your face I want to put my fist
IN IT, IN IT
Sometimes when a mouse trap closes, I picture it is not a mouse, but you
IN IT, IN IT

Sometimes I look at my life and do not like that you are
IN IT, IN IT

STEP 5
Hate fuckin'
Yup.

STEP 6
Never forget to laugh
As I've often mentioned, there's so much more that connects us than divides us. With that in mind, why not use comedy as the unifying force? Say you and a co-worker are butting heads. Rather than letting things boil over, try to figure out a way to share a laugh.

Some thought starters: Maybe an elaborate kidnapping "prank" where they're the abductee and they live hogtied in your garage until their family forks over $4 million dollars in unmarked bills, or maybe make them slip on a banana peel. You know, something hysterical like that. Nothing brings people together like the power of laughter.

Throw your caps up in the air friends! You've graduated from the GWGG Anger Management Institute! Don't you feel better? Thought so. Make it a great week, and remember: It's not you, it's them.

No comments:

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails