Sunday, October 25, 2009

Wanted: Perfect Apartment

Wildly attractive, charismatic M seeks 2 - 3 BR Apt; details below:

As some of you may recall a few months shy of a year ago, I moved from Astoria, Queens to the Upper East Side after running away like a little girl valiantly fighting off robbers and drug dealers. Well, since that time, I have found the Upper East Side, how you say, ahhh yes: shitty.

The problem isn't one particular thing, rather an amalgamation of several elements that has made my time here unpleasant. A pinch of Daddy-funded 'Dolce, with a healthy helping of hedge fund hands, and a pile on peoples with a propensity for popped collars. This is a sampling of my daily life on the UES.

It isn't just the neighborhood, its also the apartment. I currently reside in a split level (2) bedroom with a spiral staircase. Awesome right? Not so much. You see I actually live in the lower level of this bi-level apartment -also known as a basement. Not just any basement, a basement without windows. Given that I live in what amounts to a blackout room, I really have no idea what time of day it is and as a result spend much of my day thinking that I've either just come out of a long sleep or should get ready for another. Why even now I sit on my disgustingly stained couch in a groggy daze, unsure of where I am or why this laptop is gently heating up my genitals.

The other problem with living in a windowless room is that all of my wet articles quickly develop mildew and mold. This has it's pluses and minuses. For instance, all my towels smell like ass, but I've been able to cure (4) separate bouts of gonorrhea all by myself like a big boy!

I can hear you now, "blah, blah, blah, complain, complain, complain, but what are you doing about it?" I'll tell you what I'm doing about it! In the words of my life coach, Timothy Dunn, "I'm going to Secret the shit out of it." I'm going to start by creating a want ad to put out into the Universe. A want ad I will share with you now.


Do you want to rent me an apartment? You bet your ass you do.

Wildly charismatic, highly verbal, physically fit young professional seeks an apartment that is "the shit" -much like himself.

I'm accustomed to the finer things in life: caviar, fine wine and fine women. I expect nothing less in my domicile.

Currently seeking apartments in the following neighborhoods: the Upper West Side, Hell's Kitchen, Union Square, and Astoria (cause hey, sometimes we all like to go slumming, am I right, fellas?) Neighborhoods that are on the undesirable list: Upper East Side, anywhere north of 86th Street (or as I like to call it, Lower Bronx) , and Battery Park.

Building must have (24) hour fitness facilities -my body is my temple - and nutritionist on staff. Other must-have amenities include: in-apartment washer / dryer, skylights, hardwood floors, marble countertops, mirrors on all ceilings, bidet, glass shower for sexytime, and at least 1500 sq. ft. to accommodate my (4) Great Danes, Harold, Maude, Benny & Joon; and Cockapoo, Derek.

Open to roommates, but must be female and must have succ'lent tittays -we're talkin' motorboat or bust, ya dig? Also, all roommates must be comfortable doing household chores because I'm sure as shit not going to do them. Interested persons should reply with bodyshot, measurements, and answers from Playboy centerfold questionnaire.

Move in date is March 1, 2010. Also seeking movers who I will promise beer, pizza and good times, and then promptly reneg on once my valuable furniture has been placed.

Serious inquiries only. Look forward to you getting to meet me, and placing me in the apartment I so rightly deserve.

So, you know, if you hear of something opening up in your building or whatever let me know. Thanks, pal.


Num, num, num, num, num, num

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Anger Management Institute

Do you get angry?

Of course you do! We all do. We're only human.

You may view me as a cool, calm and collected cat, but I wasn't always like that. No, I used to be just like you, ANGRY. I would kick kittens, punch holes in walls and ferociously fart in crowded elevators. But that was all before I founded the GWGG Anger Management Institute!

With my new 6-step program, 'GRRRR' BE GONE: Progressing from Pissed to Pleased, you'll learn tactics to control your anger and discover the inner peace you've been seeking. So let's put out that fire that's ragin' in your hair and get started, okay? OK!

Identify the source of your anger
I used to get angry a lot, and then someone would call me or I'd want a snack and I'd forget what upset me in the first place! To avoid this problem, I began to name the things that bothered me by writing who/what it was that had pissed me off on a post-it note alongside the offense and placed it on the person or thing itself. This way when I saw it again, I could remember and deal with it accordingly (ie. kick to shins, freeze bank accounts, etc.).

Find fun in your cell phone
Do you find that the people who make you mad call you on your cellular telephone? "Grumble, grumble. That's no fun!"

Name thy pain! Why just this weekend I added the moniker, "Satan Spawn Whoreface." I gotta tell you, every time it pops up on my phone I giggle and giggle, promptly hit "ignore" and watch another episode of 'COPS.'

Enjoy a cocktail
You've had a hard day and you are ANGRY. Come quitting time, don't stay angry -unwind with a cocktail! Still angry? Baybreeze. A little residual anger? Long Island Iced Tea. A hint of fire in your belly? Battery acid. Pretty soon you'll have forgotten what you were so angry about in the first place. Right David? Of course right.

Find a creative outlet

Often, we overlook the fact that our anger comes from the frustration of not being able to successfully communicate with another person(s). When this is the case, turn to your creative skills, whatever they may be. For instance, I'm really, really, really good at writing poetry and so that's how I work to express myself. Here, let me show you what I mean:

A Poem By Patrick Garrigan

Sometimes when you share your opinion I find nothing useful
Sometimes when I see your face I want to put my fist
Sometimes when a mouse trap closes, I picture it is not a mouse, but you

Sometimes I look at my life and do not like that you are

Hate fuckin'

Never forget to laugh
As I've often mentioned, there's so much more that connects us than divides us. With that in mind, why not use comedy as the unifying force? Say you and a co-worker are butting heads. Rather than letting things boil over, try to figure out a way to share a laugh.

Some thought starters: Maybe an elaborate kidnapping "prank" where they're the abductee and they live hogtied in your garage until their family forks over $4 million dollars in unmarked bills, or maybe make them slip on a banana peel. You know, something hysterical like that. Nothing brings people together like the power of laughter.

Throw your caps up in the air friends! You've graduated from the GWGG Anger Management Institute! Don't you feel better? Thought so. Make it a great week, and remember: It's not you, it's them.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Patti & Curtis Made This Blog Late

Do you want to read a blog? Well you can't. Patti Murin & Curtis Holbrook just haaaaad to get married and I just haaaad to go up to gorgeous Lake George. So because I haaad to share in this joyous occassion, the blog is delayed. So thanks Patti & Curtis. Thanks a lot. No really, thanks.


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