Sunday, September 27, 2009

To Tell the Truth

And now let's meet our next team of challengers. What is your name, please?

My name is Patrick Garrigan

My name is Patrick Garrigan

My name is Patrick Garrigan


Ladies and gentlemen, today I provide you with the unique opportunity. So often, my public will approach me, usually while I'm enjoying Korean BBQ, and ask me, "Patrick, are all those shenanigans you write about really true? Is your life really that crazy?" To which I reply, "get me some more napkins."

The answer to that question is yes and no. You see, I like to spin a yarn. It really goes back to my great great grandfather the famous vaudevillian, Gerry Sean Francis McGillicuty O'Brien Neeson Garrigan. Oh, how he'd love to tell tales, if he were my great great grandfather, which he's not, so sorry I lied to you about that. The fact of the matter is, I don't even know what is true any more...

What I've decided to do today is provide you with what I think is probably the truth for once, sort of. But with a twist!

In the grand spirit of "To Tell the Truth" I will bang the cadaver of Kitty Carlisle Hart in her dressing room I will tell you (3) tales of truths about me. Which is true? If you guess correctly you will receive a prize or something. Sound like fun? Let's do it anyway.

PATRICK GARRIGAN TALE NUMBER ONE:
  • In high school I popped my zits and kept the contents behind the mirror
  • One year I only wore purple because I thought it was regal
  • When I puke from drinking, I make it a point to meticulously clean the area I puked while drunk
PATRICK GARRIGAN TALE NUMBER TWO:
  • I was born in West Virginia, I (currently) have all of my teeth
  • I love pineapple and not just be cause it makes one's "hospitality" sweeter
  • I have blamed my farts on a dog within the past (48) hours

PATRICK GARRIGAN TALE NUMBER THREE:
  • Someone seriously threatened to slap me this week
  • My favorite job to date was working as a janitor
  • Used to perform a David Copperfield-esque magic show; favorite trick: making a dog / my heterosexuality disappear
Which one is correct? You tell me by clicking on comments! The seeker of Greatness who guesses correctly will win a BIG PRIZE! Yay! Its so fun to think of you thinking of me! May the best Patrickophile win!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Lactose / Intolerance

Intolerance. We all have it, let's let it out and hope it doesn't get too stinky.

As it is oft chronicled here, I love dairy products. To be specific I like:

Pepper Jack Cheese
Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey Ice Cream
Milk & Cookies
Dairy-based (read: Cinnabon) Frosting
Custards
Butter
Parkay
Frappachino

...and most importantly, Cow Teet. These are things I enjoy. However, when I take these things -most of which if you really take a look at them are not good for me- and put them into my body, the result is a string of room-clearing noxious depth charges. The kind of farts that cause people to make the face below, which is unflattering at best.

Why do I do that? I'll tell you why. Because I eat whatever I want! That and all those delicious products seemed so shiny and irresistible so I eat more and more, and the next thing you know I am stinking up the joint with smelly butt H8.

Soon other lactose intolerant people experience my poor example, see how I'm enjoying delicious cheeses and throwing caution (?) into the wind, and start consuming all those deceptively delicious no-no foods. Suddenly they're dropping poop parfume'd presents too! In domino fashion, everywhere you go it starts to stink!

Why do I tell you this story?

Because of the intolerance I have seen and heard on the interwebz and Moving Picture Box directed our president lately.

What? Yes, just watch as I pull this one, dare I say, out of my ass.

Much like my aforementioned lactose intolerance, the figurative room is starting to stink.

Just the other day, I was perusing the 'ol news only to see & read a lot of coverage of the protests and teabaggers rising up in opposition of health care reform. A truly American expression of our democracy: Freedom of speech, making your voice heard. Part of a balanced breakfast, if you will.

However, what inevitably happens is there are those who are tempted to sweeten that pot with extra fixin's that look/sound titillating, but aren't so good. The cause may be that they feel powerless or victimized in some way or another and want to hurt back. This is understandable, but it becomes a problem when it manifests itself like this:



Ew, someone made a doody.

Let me reiterate, I firmly believe that if you have beef with the way things are, it is not only your right but your responsibility to speak up, organize, lobby and raise money, whatever, to help your point of view. Again, these are cornerstones in our Republic's food pyramid. It is the manner in which this view is relayed that I believe is the real issue.

For instance, during George W. Bush's presidency, I can really only point to a small handful of issues where I agreed with him. Did I think he was a FASCIST, A DOMESTIC TERRORIST, A DICTATOR? No. Just someone who saw the world a lot different than me, and someone I wished would've been replaced much sooner.

In the same vein, will I agree with all of Obama's policies? Nope. But I can definitely avoid playing into hyperbolic rhetoric and thinly veiled racial innuendo. Like this charming anecdote from Roy Blunt (R-MO) at the recent 2009 Values Voter Summit:

"You know, you can't control everything there is in life that you'd like to control. Supposedly, at the turn of the 19th Century, the end of the 19th Century - the beginning of the 20th Century, there was a group of British occupiers in a very lush, very quiet, very peaceful, very uneventful part of India. And this group of British soldiers who were occupying that part of India decided they'd carve a golf course put of the jungle of India. And there was really not that much else to do.

So for over a year, this was the biggest event, getting this golf course created. And they got the golf course done and almost from the day the first ball was hit on this golf course something happened they didn't anticipate. Monkeys would come running out of the jungle [faint audience laughter] and they'd grab the golf balls. And if it was in the fairway they might throw it in the rough. And [if] it was in the rough they might throw it... they might throw it back at you! And I could go into great and long detail about how many things they did to try and eliminate the 'monkey problem.' But they never got it done, so finally this golf course and this golf course only, they passed a rule and the rule was - you have to play the ball where the monkey throws it. [audience laughter swells] And that is the rule in Washington all the time. You know... [clapping from audience]"



Now, I'm not so foolish as to jump into the race baiting accusations and can already hear my more conservative friends saying, "toughen up, pussy" and then hitting me just a little to hard in the back. Here's what I will say: the overtones are there (some more subtly than others), and it adds nothing constructive to the conversation. The marquee issues that currently face us, the economy, health care and wars abroad are difficult, complex problems. Much like long division. These are issues that require thoughtful consideration, new ideas and debate.

Bile, hatespeak and intolerance only serve to muck up the joint by making what is already unpleasant work far more pungent and messy.

So in closing, do your part to not make this debate so smell like the "'Remains of the Day' You Ate All That Chilli" and I will stop eating grilled cheese*. Who knows it may just help clear the air.


*All figuratively speaking of course.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye West Also Hates Puppies

Ruh Roh, trouble at those VMA's!!!



Well, as you may or may not know, I am a huge Kanye West fan. It's true, but after last night and seeing poor Taylor Swift or whatever her name is about to cry because Kanye made a doody on her speechies I felt like I needed to do a little more research into Mr. West

The team here at the Greatness Truth Squad went out and what we found out may shock you!

Did You Know?

1. Kanye is buying all the sneakers so you can't have any.






















This is an actual picture from inside Kanye's crib, where he's trying to buy all the world's sneakers! "When I have all the world's sneakers, then I'll be happy," Kanye confides. "Well, after I have all the sneakers, I may want some toast and a mani/pedi, but for the most part I think that will make me happy, yeah." Guard your kicks!

2. Kanye stole Pee Wee Herman's out fit and WILL. NOT. RETURN. IT.
















You remember lovable chronic masturbator Saturday morning TV fixture Pee-Wee Herman, right? I bet you wonder where he's been. He's been in hiding. Why do you ask?




















Because Kanye stole his iconic suit and just refuses to give it back! Ashamed, Herman now wears a novelty trucker hat with a mullet sewn in the back and works at the Target on Route 5. Give him back his suit, Kanye, give it back.

3. Kanye West is a furry?















It's true, this picture from Cedar Point's Berenstain Bear Country shows an exhausted Kanye after having had his way with Papa Bear -oh the humanity!

BREAKING NEWS!

This just in! Kanye West is broke! TMZ, LMNOP and the Letter "W" are reporting that Kanye West's outburst has cost him a fortune. Outraged hicks everywhere are boycotting his music and now flat broke, he can't even buy his girlfriend, Amber Rose, a proper bikini. Times have turned so rough it appears all he can afford is a spool of yarn from the clearance bin at Michael's. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.


The Truth Squad also uncovered that no one has actually seen a music video since 1998.

CASE CLOSED



UPDATED UPDATE:
Kanye now wants all your fishsticks! He's insatiable!

Thanks to Birthday Gumptioneer, Salli for the tip.

THE STORY CONTINUES...
Kanye now has beef with Obama! Also noteworthy, Obama prefers Swift over Beyonce. Who knew!?

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

No Labor Day


In honor of this Labor Day, I shall not labor.

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