Sunday, August 30, 2009

Vision Quest (of Rock)

In traditional Native American cultures, when their youth came of age they dumped them in a field and told them to go figure their shit out. This profound turning point was called a vision quest.

During this time, they relied on their wits and survival skills while seeking a heightened level of spiritual awareness. But for the most part they were just eaten by The Grizzlies.

Did it work? We'll never know. You see, we utilized a unique blend of mass murder, disease, and just a hint of nutmeg to kill them off before we could figure it out.

You're probably wondering why I tell you this, or perhaps you're now craving a Cafe Americano at Starbucks. In any event, I tell you this because I am taking part in my very own vision quest -Patrick Garrigan and the Quest for Rock.

Yes friends, growing up nursing off the musical teet of Peter, Paul & Mary (Peter's teet was chewy), the Carpenters, and Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (if Young was around, he had numerous thumb wrestling engagements with Lynyrd Skynyrd to attend to); I realized that as we round out this first decade of the 'aughts, I needed to expand my musical horizons and learn how to ROCK.

With this, I headed to the Graceland of rock music... No, not that Graceland, Austin, Texas! It was here at this mecca that I was to experience rock up-close and personal.

Almost as soon as I hopped off the plane, it became apparent to me this WAS indeed the live rock music capital. Why, you couldn't throw a stick of deodorant (and I did, those rocker-hobos were stinky) without hitting a guitar player! Don't believe me? Just look:


I wasted no time embedding myself in the scene, hungry to experience something unique, something local, something authentic. So I saw the rock band, Wicked.

After the show, I had the good fortune to talk to the lead singer of the band, Colin Donnell.

When did you realize you were a rock star?
CD: Well, I'm not really a rock star, I'm just a cast member in the show. We're just really fortunate to have a great following.
I thought that Slipknot was the opening act and then I realized that they were just monkeys, why the last minute switch?

CD: Um, yeah Slipknot is not part of the show. The show opens with monkeys. They're supposed to be in the show, Slipknot is not.

I get that you like to give the fans context, but what's with all the talkey, talkey, Jack?

CD: It's not talkey, talkey -that's the script to the show. We're telling a story and when that story becomes so heightened we break into song, it's called a musical, dumbass.

Does the green girl have some weird STD or is she just "flashy" like Lady Gaga?

CD: Did you watch the show? She's the Wicked Witch, you know, like from The Wizard of Oz. She's supposed to be green.

I'm not familiar with that band. More personal question, where do you keep the panties thrown at the stage?

CD: Under my pillow.
Thanks for being with me today, this was very helpful in my Vision Quest (of Rock).

CD: You're a fucktard.


WELL, that wasn't helpful at all. I returned to New York bruised but in no way beaten.

Wouldn't you know it, as I made my way out of the airplane, I ran into the one and only Pop Rock Princess, Ms. Britney Jean Spears herself! AHHHHHH!

Well, after a little of the chit and a little of the chat we realized we had a lot in common (such as our mutual appreciation for spandex), and now we are dating. So eat your heart out Justin Timberlake / Kevin Federline / Jason Alexander / Fred Durst / Madonna.

How did my vision quest pan out? Who gives a shit. Now I schtupping some broad with a wig & and a red body suit BRITNEY SPEARS!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

why not:)

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