Monday, August 24, 2009

Bon Trois Anniversaire GWGG

According to Wikipedia, which is the only truth we can agree because who doesn't like to say WIKI, "[the comedic rule of three suggests] that maximum humor can be attained by creating a structure in which a joke is set up, the setup is reinforced, and the punchline breaks the pattern." What's that? It's lame to start a blog post with a Wikipedia quote? Your hair cut is lame. Look over there! Is that Miley Cyrus??

I'm sorry you guys, I didn't mean that, and I'm sorry about the Miley fake out. She is an incorrigible slut, isn't she? It's just that we at GWGG World Headquarters in Manhattan are a little jumpy / excited. You see this week is our 3rd birthday! Much like the quote suggests we are excited to deliver that punchline. You see back in Year One we were just beginning to setup the joke.


In year one we learned a lot didn't we? We learned that CLOWNS ARE FUCKING EVIL AND THEY WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT -FOR REAL YOU GUYS, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. We felt the joy of taking pictures of tourists taking pictures, and then the greater joy that occurs when you mock these people on the internets. We were moved by my gripping coverage of the greatest labor struggle of our times.


Our sophomore year, we built upon the joke. In so doing, we brought a certain maturity to the blogosphere with invasive, probing political commentary. We were treated by special visit from entertainment guru, Timothy Dunn. And perhaps most explosive, my expose of the plight of the under-undergarmented.


This past year, our third, after setting it up and setting it up we delivered them punchlines with such side-splitters as writing speeches the Sarah Palin way, courting the up-and-coming French Canadian demographic, and brought our unique brand of Greatness in convenient, easy to swallow video format. But the one thing that mightcould be the greatest revelation to me, was learnin' what self-involved basterds you are when it comes to your dogs. Really, have you no shame?!

As I look back on these 3 years of posts, some (182) of them, I can't help but think of what an obscene amount of time I have spent in front of my cute little Hello Kitty Toughbook for your amusement.

You see, it may not seem like it, but between sourcing upsetting pictures, stringing curse words together and then spamming you in every way imaginable, each post takes roughly (3) hours.

Some quick math provides us with the following equation:

182 posts x 3 hours per post = 542 total hours of douchebaggery

Just think of all the things I could have done with that time! I know I have:

  • Gestated 5% of a baby in my enormous man-womb
  • Made sweet, sweet love to Megan Fox (16,380) consecutive times -you do the math
  • Could have taken Gilligan, the Skipper, et al on (180) 3-hour tours
  • Watched (22.5) seasons of '24'
  • Actually worked at work for (67.75) days
  • Built (1.3) Empire State Buildings -you know, if I had a team of desperate, hungry post-Depression era steel workers, which I do
  • Driven roundtrip from New York to LA (6.6) times with good friends, discovering so much about this great land, but more importantly learning something new about ourselves.
  • Watched (217) NBA games -I just wish I knew what the NBA was
  • Strengthened my core with a stern, yet encouraging 8 Minute Abs VHS (4,065) times
  • Eaten (542) "Squeelers"
So thanks to you all for sharing another year with me! I look forward to sharing many more -but as for right now I need take some amino acids, I have 95% more baby to incubate.

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THIS JUST IN:

Since we have crested in this 3rd year, GWGG will abandon (probably) the pursuit of Greatness and will now be devoted strictly to crochet instruction. Allez knitters! Allez!

Here let's start off simply with this bit from the site Craftown:

"How To Knit

wpe549.jpg (5681 bytes) CO= Cast On

Make a slip knot on the needle about two yards from the end of the yarn. (This amount varies according to the number of stitches to be cast on, but always allow plenty!) Holding needle in right hand, loop end of yarn around left thumb and hold it in the left palm. Insert tip of needle into loop on thumb, pass yarn leading to the ball around needle from back to front, draw yarn through loop. Slip loop off thumb and tighten stitch thus formed on needle.

Knitting

wpe54A.jpg (6285 bytes) K=Knit

Holding needle with cast-on stitches in your left hand and second needle in your right, with yarn at back insert tip of right-hand needle into the first stitch from left to right, front to back. With right hand, pass yarn under and over tip of right-hand needle, draw yarn through stitch, and slip stitch just worked in off.

Purling

wpe54B.jpg (6435 bytes) P=Purl

Holding needle with stitches in your left hand and second needle in your right, with yarn at front insert tip of right-hand needle into first stitch from right to left, back to front. With right hand, pass yarn over and under tip of right-hand needle, draw yarn through stitch, and slip stitch just worked in off left-hand needle.

Increasing

wpe54C.jpg (4976 bytes) Inc=Increase

Work the stitch as usual but do not slip the stitch just worked in off the left-hand needle; work again in the same stitch inserting the needle into the back of the stitch. Now slip the stitch worked in off the left-hand needle.

Another method of increasing is to knit one stitch in the back of the stitch in the row below, then knit the stitch above as usual.

Decreasing

wpe54D.jpg (4245 bytes) Dec= Decrease

If knitting, insert tip of right-hand needle into second stitch on left-hand needle, then into first stitch; work the two together as one stitch.

wpe54E.jpg (4124 bytes)

If purling, insert tip of right-hand needle into first stitch on left-hand needle, then into second stitch; work the two together as one stitch.

SL 1, K 1, PSSO

wpe54F.jpg (7411 bytes) SL=slip. K=Knit. PSSO= Pass slipped stitch over.

Slip stitch from left-hand needle to right-hand one without knitting it. Knit the next stitch. Insert tip of left-hand needle into the slipped stitch, pass it over the knitted stitch, and off needle.

Yarn Over

wpe550.jpg (4274 bytes) YO= yarn over

If knitting, bring yarn to front of work, over right-hand needle to back, and then knit the next stitch.

wpe551.jpg (3955 bytes)

If purling, wind yarn completely around the right-hand needle from front to back. and then purl the next stitch.

Casting on during work

wpe552.jpg (2964 bytes)

Turn work so needle to which yarn is attached is held in left hand. Insert tip of right-hand needle into first stitch, pass yarn under and over and draw it through stitch; leave stitch worked in on left-hand needle.

wpe553.jpg (3178 bytes)

Transfer new stitch from right-hand needle to left-hand, needle. Repeat for the required number of stitches, then turn work again and continue as the directions specify.

Binding Off

wpe554.jpg (7698 bytes)

Work the first two stitches as you would in a regular pattern row. * Insert tip of left-hand needle from left to right into first stitch worked. Pass first stitch over second stitch and off right-hand needle. Work the next stitch and repeat from *.

Continue practicing these basic techniques until you have found a comfortable tension and your work looks even. You may then try a simple knitting project. If you are pleased with the results then you will be ready for more advanced projects. Happy Knitting."

[CRAFTOWN.COM]

Yes, happy knitting, crafters. Happy knitting, indeed.

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