Sunday, August 30, 2009

Vision Quest (of Rock)

In traditional Native American cultures, when their youth came of age they dumped them in a field and told them to go figure their shit out. This profound turning point was called a vision quest.

During this time, they relied on their wits and survival skills while seeking a heightened level of spiritual awareness. But for the most part they were just eaten by The Grizzlies.

Did it work? We'll never know. You see, we utilized a unique blend of mass murder, disease, and just a hint of nutmeg to kill them off before we could figure it out.

You're probably wondering why I tell you this, or perhaps you're now craving a Cafe Americano at Starbucks. In any event, I tell you this because I am taking part in my very own vision quest -Patrick Garrigan and the Quest for Rock.

Yes friends, growing up nursing off the musical teet of Peter, Paul & Mary (Peter's teet was chewy), the Carpenters, and Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (if Young was around, he had numerous thumb wrestling engagements with Lynyrd Skynyrd to attend to); I realized that as we round out this first decade of the 'aughts, I needed to expand my musical horizons and learn how to ROCK.

With this, I headed to the Graceland of rock music... No, not that Graceland, Austin, Texas! It was here at this mecca that I was to experience rock up-close and personal.

Almost as soon as I hopped off the plane, it became apparent to me this WAS indeed the live rock music capital. Why, you couldn't throw a stick of deodorant (and I did, those rocker-hobos were stinky) without hitting a guitar player! Don't believe me? Just look:


I wasted no time embedding myself in the scene, hungry to experience something unique, something local, something authentic. So I saw the rock band, Wicked.

After the show, I had the good fortune to talk to the lead singer of the band, Colin Donnell.

When did you realize you were a rock star?
CD: Well, I'm not really a rock star, I'm just a cast member in the show. We're just really fortunate to have a great following.
I thought that Slipknot was the opening act and then I realized that they were just monkeys, why the last minute switch?

CD: Um, yeah Slipknot is not part of the show. The show opens with monkeys. They're supposed to be in the show, Slipknot is not.

I get that you like to give the fans context, but what's with all the talkey, talkey, Jack?

CD: It's not talkey, talkey -that's the script to the show. We're telling a story and when that story becomes so heightened we break into song, it's called a musical, dumbass.

Does the green girl have some weird STD or is she just "flashy" like Lady Gaga?

CD: Did you watch the show? She's the Wicked Witch, you know, like from The Wizard of Oz. She's supposed to be green.

I'm not familiar with that band. More personal question, where do you keep the panties thrown at the stage?

CD: Under my pillow.
Thanks for being with me today, this was very helpful in my Vision Quest (of Rock).

CD: You're a fucktard.


WELL, that wasn't helpful at all. I returned to New York bruised but in no way beaten.

Wouldn't you know it, as I made my way out of the airplane, I ran into the one and only Pop Rock Princess, Ms. Britney Jean Spears herself! AHHHHHH!

Well, after a little of the chit and a little of the chat we realized we had a lot in common (such as our mutual appreciation for spandex), and now we are dating. So eat your heart out Justin Timberlake / Kevin Federline / Jason Alexander / Fred Durst / Madonna.

How did my vision quest pan out? Who gives a shit. Now I schtupping some broad with a wig & and a red body suit BRITNEY SPEARS!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Bon Trois Anniversaire GWGG

According to Wikipedia, which is the only truth we can agree because who doesn't like to say WIKI, "[the comedic rule of three suggests] that maximum humor can be attained by creating a structure in which a joke is set up, the setup is reinforced, and the punchline breaks the pattern." What's that? It's lame to start a blog post with a Wikipedia quote? Your hair cut is lame. Look over there! Is that Miley Cyrus??

I'm sorry you guys, I didn't mean that, and I'm sorry about the Miley fake out. She is an incorrigible slut, isn't she? It's just that we at GWGG World Headquarters in Manhattan are a little jumpy / excited. You see this week is our 3rd birthday! Much like the quote suggests we are excited to deliver that punchline. You see back in Year One we were just beginning to setup the joke.


In year one we learned a lot didn't we? We learned that CLOWNS ARE FUCKING EVIL AND THEY WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT -FOR REAL YOU GUYS, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. We felt the joy of taking pictures of tourists taking pictures, and then the greater joy that occurs when you mock these people on the internets. We were moved by my gripping coverage of the greatest labor struggle of our times.


Our sophomore year, we built upon the joke. In so doing, we brought a certain maturity to the blogosphere with invasive, probing political commentary. We were treated by special visit from entertainment guru, Timothy Dunn. And perhaps most explosive, my expose of the plight of the under-undergarmented.


This past year, our third, after setting it up and setting it up we delivered them punchlines with such side-splitters as writing speeches the Sarah Palin way, courting the up-and-coming French Canadian demographic, and brought our unique brand of Greatness in convenient, easy to swallow video format. But the one thing that mightcould be the greatest revelation to me, was learnin' what self-involved basterds you are when it comes to your dogs. Really, have you no shame?!

As I look back on these 3 years of posts, some (182) of them, I can't help but think of what an obscene amount of time I have spent in front of my cute little Hello Kitty Toughbook for your amusement.

You see, it may not seem like it, but between sourcing upsetting pictures, stringing curse words together and then spamming you in every way imaginable, each post takes roughly (3) hours.

Some quick math provides us with the following equation:

182 posts x 3 hours per post = 542 total hours of douchebaggery

Just think of all the things I could have done with that time! I know I have:

  • Gestated 5% of a baby in my enormous man-womb
  • Made sweet, sweet love to Megan Fox (16,380) consecutive times -you do the math
  • Could have taken Gilligan, the Skipper, et al on (180) 3-hour tours
  • Watched (22.5) seasons of '24'
  • Actually worked at work for (67.75) days
  • Built (1.3) Empire State Buildings -you know, if I had a team of desperate, hungry post-Depression era steel workers, which I do
  • Driven roundtrip from New York to LA (6.6) times with good friends, discovering so much about this great land, but more importantly learning something new about ourselves.
  • Watched (217) NBA games -I just wish I knew what the NBA was
  • Strengthened my core with a stern, yet encouraging 8 Minute Abs VHS (4,065) times
  • Eaten (542) "Squeelers"
So thanks to you all for sharing another year with me! I look forward to sharing many more -but as for right now I need take some amino acids, I have 95% more baby to incubate.

-------
THIS JUST IN:

Since we have crested in this 3rd year, GWGG will abandon (probably) the pursuit of Greatness and will now be devoted strictly to crochet instruction. Allez knitters! Allez!

Here let's start off simply with this bit from the site Craftown:

"How To Knit

wpe549.jpg (5681 bytes) CO= Cast On

Make a slip knot on the needle about two yards from the end of the yarn. (This amount varies according to the number of stitches to be cast on, but always allow plenty!) Holding needle in right hand, loop end of yarn around left thumb and hold it in the left palm. Insert tip of needle into loop on thumb, pass yarn leading to the ball around needle from back to front, draw yarn through loop. Slip loop off thumb and tighten stitch thus formed on needle.

Knitting

wpe54A.jpg (6285 bytes) K=Knit

Holding needle with cast-on stitches in your left hand and second needle in your right, with yarn at back insert tip of right-hand needle into the first stitch from left to right, front to back. With right hand, pass yarn under and over tip of right-hand needle, draw yarn through stitch, and slip stitch just worked in off.

Purling

wpe54B.jpg (6435 bytes) P=Purl

Holding needle with stitches in your left hand and second needle in your right, with yarn at front insert tip of right-hand needle into first stitch from right to left, back to front. With right hand, pass yarn over and under tip of right-hand needle, draw yarn through stitch, and slip stitch just worked in off left-hand needle.

Increasing

wpe54C.jpg (4976 bytes) Inc=Increase

Work the stitch as usual but do not slip the stitch just worked in off the left-hand needle; work again in the same stitch inserting the needle into the back of the stitch. Now slip the stitch worked in off the left-hand needle.

Another method of increasing is to knit one stitch in the back of the stitch in the row below, then knit the stitch above as usual.

Decreasing

wpe54D.jpg (4245 bytes) Dec= Decrease

If knitting, insert tip of right-hand needle into second stitch on left-hand needle, then into first stitch; work the two together as one stitch.

wpe54E.jpg (4124 bytes)

If purling, insert tip of right-hand needle into first stitch on left-hand needle, then into second stitch; work the two together as one stitch.

SL 1, K 1, PSSO

wpe54F.jpg (7411 bytes) SL=slip. K=Knit. PSSO= Pass slipped stitch over.

Slip stitch from left-hand needle to right-hand one without knitting it. Knit the next stitch. Insert tip of left-hand needle into the slipped stitch, pass it over the knitted stitch, and off needle.

Yarn Over

wpe550.jpg (4274 bytes) YO= yarn over

If knitting, bring yarn to front of work, over right-hand needle to back, and then knit the next stitch.

wpe551.jpg (3955 bytes)

If purling, wind yarn completely around the right-hand needle from front to back. and then purl the next stitch.

Casting on during work

wpe552.jpg (2964 bytes)

Turn work so needle to which yarn is attached is held in left hand. Insert tip of right-hand needle into first stitch, pass yarn under and over and draw it through stitch; leave stitch worked in on left-hand needle.

wpe553.jpg (3178 bytes)

Transfer new stitch from right-hand needle to left-hand, needle. Repeat for the required number of stitches, then turn work again and continue as the directions specify.

Binding Off

wpe554.jpg (7698 bytes)

Work the first two stitches as you would in a regular pattern row. * Insert tip of left-hand needle from left to right into first stitch worked. Pass first stitch over second stitch and off right-hand needle. Work the next stitch and repeat from *.

Continue practicing these basic techniques until you have found a comfortable tension and your work looks even. You may then try a simple knitting project. If you are pleased with the results then you will be ready for more advanced projects. Happy Knitting."

[CRAFTOWN.COM]

Yes, happy knitting, crafters. Happy knitting, indeed.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The GWGG Mad Men Live Blog

I have one focus; one focus only this weekend.

MAD MEN
MAD MEN
MAD MEN

So let's live blog it! Log in and get into eeeet at 10/9C!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Dept. of the YouTubes: The Week I Just Made Up

Do you ever sometimes, occasionally, from time to time, periodically feel like you're sleep walking and then suddenly a week / month / year has disappeared and you have no idea what happened?

Blank

This very thing happened to me! I woke up on Monday, went to work, delivered (4) babies (for fun & profit), and then next thing I know it's Sunday I'm downloading porn while enjoying a Coffee Coolata.

That's just the way life goes sometimes, I reckon. I feel wicked bad though because I know you loyal readers come to drink from my font of pop culture knowledge, witty observations, and grooming tips. What happens when the fountain of wisdom dries up due to lack of experiences and crucial human contact?

Why you make it up using YouTube segments you pull from friend's Facebook postings, silly!

MONDAY
Chapeaue'd Llamas: The Unseen Threat
Docile, benign creatures -or are they?



TUESDAY
I have long held the belief that India is the capital of the sexy, sexy. On Tuesday, I walked outside my doorstep to find that to be the case first-hand!



Sari, that's all folks. Oh me.

WEDNESDAY
Crime & Punishment Desk: Invisible couple raped by Austin hipsters. (Not for the more conservative among us).



...or it was sexytime @ the Austin Air Sex competition.

THURSDAY
Sad Faces Desk: On Thursday, I learned that Steven Tyler fell of the stage performing in Sturgis, SD for a bunch of dirty bikers and an even dirtier Meaghan McCain.



Well, this isn't funny at all. Steven ushered me through some rough times. Like when I was totally sans ladyfriend and Steve-O would croon as I would pretend that Alicia Silverstone was my lovah. Oh how I wish I could pull her back from the ledge before she takes the Nestea plunge onto that busy free way. ALICIA DON'T DO IT!

So obviously, this has me all shook up. The only comfort I can find as I hope for Steven's speedy recovery is this:



YEAH BRETT, YOU GOT PWN'D!

FRIDAY
And to round out the politics of the day we have...



Wasn't that nice? Don't you feel like you actually did something this week. No? Me neither. We're just casualties of the sad detachment of a digital age. Am I being sarcastic? I don't even know anymore. Have a great week, ya'll. Or don't -what's the point.

---

Guess who's going on vacation?


That's right my literate friends! Daddy's going to Austin for vacation on Friday! So if there's a delay in the blog, please just picture me in LBJ's presidential cowboy boots -for I will be wearing them all week.

Thank you.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

The (Un)Official Chyna Website

A little while back I wrote a post about how professional baseball was more closely aligned with professional wrestling than a true game of skill. You can read the hilarity here. If you're lazy, what I did was I created some new rules to make the game more entertaining, as I said they were hilarious. One of the rules was that WWE Champ, Chyna, might become the Commissioner of Baseball.

So fast forward to today. If I'm to be honest, this here site has a base of dedicated readers who patronize my wildly hilarious musings. However, when my blog hits took as spike from (200+) hits per week to (1,000+), I started to wonder, "what gives?" Have I finally caught fire? Has my audience found me? Was I a hop, skip and a jump away from celebrity?

No.

Through extensive research I discovered if you go to Google Images and type in "Chyna" the first picture that comes up is this one from my baseball post. I had become the unofficial homepage for Chyna pictures!

Initially, I was furious. My tales of Greatness should not be the home of mannish whorishness! This is an outlet for high-brow comedy -not schlock.

Then on second thought, the more hits mean the more Google AdSense dollars, which means I am one step closer to my bungalow / pony. Beyond that, the more I explored the more I realized I have much to learn from Chyna.

For instance:


Learn How to Balance Looking Like A Handsome Midwestern Housewife with Part-Time Dominatrix / Xena Warrior Princess Extra Work

Affirmation That There is Never A Wrong Time to Wear A Tu-Tu


Confidence in the Knowledge That Sometimes You Can Have Too Much Shirt


Improve My Interpersonal Communication Skills



Learn How to Handle the Paparazzi with Grace & Ease


Theatre Appreciation: Kabuki


Learn to Wear More Sequined Attire So I Can Get People to Focus on My, Ummm, Face?


Learn How to Rock the "Holy Shit, Overactive Wind Machine" Look

So at the end of the day this alignment might be a blessing in disguise. Thanks internets!

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