Sunday, July 12, 2009

Summer Pictorial: Times Square, Front Porch to the World

You can take the boy out of Ohio...

...but you can't take the need to put on a pair sweatpants and look like shit on your very own lawn chair out of the boy.


Yessirreebob, I live the metropolitan lifestyle. Never is this more apparent then when I blog at my Upper East Side shithole pilattzo, sitting in my slightly stained tighty whiteys, paisley bandana tying back my mullet in girly headband fashion, drinking coffee out of my Little Women opening night mug as the heat from my laptop gently lowers my sperm count. Yes, friends: I. Am. Class.

As such, I like to take in all the culture this city has to offer. So when I heard that Mayor Mike, in an effort to ease Midtown congestion and provide more public space, was going to cut off parts of Broadway in Times Square and Herald Square I proclaimed, huzzah! FINALLY, this grand thoroughfare would get the iconic installation it deserved! I was all tizzy in my skivvies as I fantasized as to what might occupy the polluted pike: A Bellagio-inspired water fountain choreographed to "Hello Dolly!" selections? The first ever Whorin' Museum? Whaaat????!

All a twitter, I couldn't wait any longer. So I grabbed my GWGG photo editor, Salli and headed posthaste to the Great White Way. What did I discover? A whole lot of...

Fat people on lawn chairs?

While not quite what I expected, I learned long ago from journalist ethics class, never judge your subject. Simply report the news and allow your readers to come up with their own conclusions. So without any further adieu, I present the following Summer Pictorial:

SUMMER PICTORIAL: TIMES SQUARE, FRONT PORCH TO THE WORLD

The Vacation Alternative
George, 41, of Murray Hill put it succinctly, "I love the new lounge chairs! We got here at 5am to score these puppies. It's really great -all the sun and fun of a Miami cabana, without satisfaction and self-respect of an actual vacation."

Livin' the Life
For some it is a chance to relax and take a breather. "I'm on my feet 24/7," confides bike messenger Jerry Raven. "Here I can give my tired 'dogs' a rest. Plus, these pylons work great to air out my balls."

None Too Pleased
Ask Cheryl Shepard from Ecoli, Mississippi and you'll get a different perspective about the New 42nd Street. "I's done told, sit still long enough and you'll see everyone you know in Times Square. Well, I've been here sittin' bout 20 minutes and all I seen's about (85) ho-m0-sexuals and Jeff Goldblum. Only thing good happened's I bought a mumu/table cloth off that nice KO-rean over there."

Michael Jackson Memorial Glove
One of the newest additions to the pedestrian plaza was a silver glove chair, in honor of the late Michael Jackson. The memorial glove, curiously inscribed with the phrase, "he touched our hearts, and our kids' no-no places," comes complete with free Jesus Juice for youngsters and Emanuel Lewis.

BYOC (Bring Your Own Chair)
While the city provides hundreds of plastic folding chairs secured from Duane Reade at no cost, some guests choose to bring their own. Robin Halifax of Sunnyside, Queens opted to outfit her chair with wheels, foot rests and comfy padding. When asked what inspired her to bring down her own custom chair she replied, "arthritis, you fucktard."

WE HAVE A WINNER!
While the shoddy craftsmanship of these chairs may be looked down upon by some, here at GWGG we see it as an opportunity for Greatness. After extensive review by our esteemed GWGG Editorial Board (which consists of myself and two stuffed monkeys, Mojo & Grouchy), we hereby deem this 2009's Breakthrough Performance by an Ass. Congratualtions, Ass.

All good things must come to an end. So at the conclusion of my day, I sat down with a cup of coffee and reflected on my photo essay. What did I learn from the experience?

I guess what I learned is, when you don't know what to place in one of the busiest, most iconic locations in the world, put crappy Chinese lawn chairs. My only hope is that Vatican City, Trafalgar Square & Red Square can learn from our most shining example.

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