Sunday, July 19, 2009

Life's A Beach

Please come back soon.

As I have oft reported here, I'm not a big fan of New York in the summer time. If I were to associate one word with the season it would be "discomfort." However, I am always willing to give summer a second chance -even as it utilizes its humidity powers to give my junk the pungency and consistency of cabbage, wet socks and creepy teacher mouthcheese. "Summer must just be having a bad day," I try to convince myself. Despite my rosy "he-beats-me-cause-he-loves-me" optimism, I am usually not rewarded for my positive outlook.

Take this weekend for instance. My entourage and I were invited out to Long Beach by Gumptioneer, Alisha. She promised a good time, and based on our last outing at an underground exotic animal sampling / hemaphrodite mixer, I knew her as someone who would bring in da fun(k). Well, on the way out, I was choke a hooker PUMPED!

The day started out just swell! We beat the crowds on to the beach and carved out just the sweetest little nook. Me with my seltzer and Gray Lady, I was just in hog heaven. But this beach side relaxation was short lived when suddenly...

I developed the feared SAND NIPPLES!!! Yes, much like meningitis or parasites or athlete's foot, sand nipples are one of the most feared ailments ever to stalk a beach. Well, I freaked the fuck out and ran to the only solstice I knew -the water.

No sooner did I hit the surf, I was forcefully ejected from the sea by the sea. Only to land like as tsunami on a 2-year old's shitty sand castle. Then her mom was all, "you're ruining her art," and I was all, "you call that art? Her use of levels is a monstrosity." Adding injury to injury, the mother then kicked me in my (inevitably stinky) no-no place and yanked her ugly baby off the dune.

"Screw this, I'm going to go home and relax in my cool underground bunker outside the punitive grasp of Summer and her vindictive cousin, The Beach." Little did I know, The Beach had other plans.

Aside from this picture looking like the creepy beginning of a snuff film, it illustrates several important points:

  1. Simply leaving The Beach, does not mean The Beach won't have the last laugh.
  2. Wearing your shorts too high will result in a sunburn that strongly resembles a be-nippled Christmas sweater.
  3. Just when you get comfortable, Summer will bitch slap you again, and tell you to turn more tricks for it -for it is a heartless, unforgiving pimp of a season.
If there is any comfort this summer time tale can provide, it is that this:

is only (4) months away.

---
NEXT WEEK:
GWGG has long been your go-to resource for New York Comic Con Freakshowery. Next week we head out West for the biggest, baddest of them all, The San Diego Comic Con. Stay tuned!

1 comment:

rdsmgb said...

ho. ly. crap.

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