Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Very Blingee Comic Con

Are you ready for ADVENTURE?

A lot of people have been asking me, pestering me, probing me -where have you been? It is Wednesday and I'm jonesing for some Greatness. Well probe no further it is here -and I'm starting to chafe.

The reason for the delay, is that I've been reflecting upon a recent life changing experience. An experience that for some comes once in a lifetime, if ever at all. A time when you are called upon. Called upon to go to San Diego.

Yours truly walked into the lion's den of Nerdom last weekend to provide you with an inside peek into that most revered of geek gatherings the San Diego Comic Con! Some of you may remember, a little while back I provided an exclusive peek inside the New York Comic Con; but unfortunately New York ain't got shit on Cali, D-O-G-G-I-E. Wesssssssssside.

Comic Con

As we've seen, New York has it's own freak & geek hit parade, but there's something overwhelming about the San Diego one which could not be regaled in mere pictures. To give you a sense of what the experience truly felt like, I've decided to raise the stakes (an old acting term -no big deal) and provide you with images outlining the way it felt & looked, in a manner that only the Blingee can truly capture.

Welcome

To say I arrived overwhelmed would be an understatement. I walked in to the San Diego Convention Center surrounded by WonderWomen, Storm Troopers and assorted unidentifiable heros / heroines. Why I wasn't there (30) minutes until I myself developed super powers. What super powers, you ask?

Only to the ability to use my X-Ray vision to check out your tittays (which I'm doing right now, nice nipples btw), yielded the power to throw fireballs from the palm of my hands, and perhaps most shockingly developed the ability to grow facial hair. Accompanied by my ferociously loyal sidekick shark, Tigue, I walked the halls of the convention center 2 inches taller, and 2000% more deadly! I was Patman.

Much like any subculture, I learned quickly there's a hierarchy of successful heros. Some of them were SUPER super, like this Super Girl here. Her out-of-this-world power was a spellbinding badonkadonk and the ability to emit just the cutest little valentine hearts from her underbritches. Maybe not impressive to you, but I was captivated by her talents. To me, she was a hero of the highest degree.

Super

But Super Girl had competitors...

Not Super

...like Super Claire here, who's abilities lie in mesmerizing her opponents with her sparkly skirt and tiara shortly before clumsily stealing their lunch from them.

The week went along pretty nicely, you know, living the hero-lifestyle. I don't want to brag, but I disarmed some nuclear threats, stopped a meteor from crashing into my hotel, and got a lovely tan.

At the end of Saturday, after the autographs and the kissing babies, I had the good fortune to enjoy some guy time. Drinks and dinner with renowned blogger / podcaster / part-time gangster, Jimmy Aquino, to reflect on the week's happenings. No sooner did we sit down with our white wine spritzers (the Official Cocktail of Super Heros), Thomas Jane (who for the purposes of this picture is an English Bulldog) peed on us!

Thomas Jane Pees

When we inquired as to why he urinated on us he replied, "They murdered my family. They thought they murdered me. My actions are not vengeance. No, not vengeance. Punishment. Call me The Punisher. Who wants a cookie?" It was an oatmeal raisin. I couldn't stay mad.

Sooner than any of us would have liked, Sunday rolled around marking the close of the Con. It had been a great week with no altercations and only good will among us super heros. I must admit a sadness did start to come over me as I could feel my abilities starting to wane with each passing hour.

As I made my way to the final panel of the convention, I saw a most upsetting sight!

Fight!

Two Princess Leias fighting! I tried to use my super powers to see their nipples -but I was powerless! "Who could stop (or record) this!" I shouted to the heavens.

Just then clouds rolled in and the gentle San Diego Harbor was suddenly an angry sea! As the scene grew more & more bleak, the skies suddenly opened...

magic penis

and Dr. Manhattan appeared, fucked them both with his unnecessarily long and sparkly penis, and then retired to the local spa for a facial. It really was something to behold.

Bye!

The convention ultimately wrapped and I made my way home to New York, and back to the grind.

Patman is gone. While I may never get my fireballs or nipple-seein' or facial stubble back, I will always be able to keep one thing: The memories. Yes, the memories and a cup of Thomas Jane's pee I saved as a memento.

--
EDITORIAL: My thanks to Jimmy for the hot Super Girl pic and the good times. The rest of the pics were secured by me of nerds in their natural habitat.

Also, there are (3) Michael Jackson Blingee insertions. Can you find them all? Let me know in the comments.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Life's A Beach

Please come back soon.

As I have oft reported here, I'm not a big fan of New York in the summer time. If I were to associate one word with the season it would be "discomfort." However, I am always willing to give summer a second chance -even as it utilizes its humidity powers to give my junk the pungency and consistency of cabbage, wet socks and creepy teacher mouthcheese. "Summer must just be having a bad day," I try to convince myself. Despite my rosy "he-beats-me-cause-he-loves-me" optimism, I am usually not rewarded for my positive outlook.

Take this weekend for instance. My entourage and I were invited out to Long Beach by Gumptioneer, Alisha. She promised a good time, and based on our last outing at an underground exotic animal sampling / hemaphrodite mixer, I knew her as someone who would bring in da fun(k). Well, on the way out, I was choke a hooker PUMPED!

The day started out just swell! We beat the crowds on to the beach and carved out just the sweetest little nook. Me with my seltzer and Gray Lady, I was just in hog heaven. But this beach side relaxation was short lived when suddenly...

I developed the feared SAND NIPPLES!!! Yes, much like meningitis or parasites or athlete's foot, sand nipples are one of the most feared ailments ever to stalk a beach. Well, I freaked the fuck out and ran to the only solstice I knew -the water.

No sooner did I hit the surf, I was forcefully ejected from the sea by the sea. Only to land like as tsunami on a 2-year old's shitty sand castle. Then her mom was all, "you're ruining her art," and I was all, "you call that art? Her use of levels is a monstrosity." Adding injury to injury, the mother then kicked me in my (inevitably stinky) no-no place and yanked her ugly baby off the dune.

"Screw this, I'm going to go home and relax in my cool underground bunker outside the punitive grasp of Summer and her vindictive cousin, The Beach." Little did I know, The Beach had other plans.

Aside from this picture looking like the creepy beginning of a snuff film, it illustrates several important points:

  1. Simply leaving The Beach, does not mean The Beach won't have the last laugh.
  2. Wearing your shorts too high will result in a sunburn that strongly resembles a be-nippled Christmas sweater.
  3. Just when you get comfortable, Summer will bitch slap you again, and tell you to turn more tricks for it -for it is a heartless, unforgiving pimp of a season.
If there is any comfort this summer time tale can provide, it is that this:

is only (4) months away.

---
NEXT WEEK:
GWGG has long been your go-to resource for New York Comic Con Freakshowery. Next week we head out West for the biggest, baddest of them all, The San Diego Comic Con. Stay tuned!

Monday, July 13, 2009

So You Like Palin Jokes, Eh?

WELL, I learned a lot about you kids last week! Speech Writing the Sarah Palin Way created our highest number of hits since I liveblogged that homemade snuff film. As a thank you to you kids for reading and postin' and sharin' I've got a little treat for you:



Keep reaching for the stars, and clicking on my page so I can sell this schlock to Gawker Media, and buy me that bungalow. My thanks to Gumptioneer, Noah, for bringing this delicious video to my attention.

Now on to this week's very special SUMMER PICTORIAL...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Summer Pictorial: Times Square, Front Porch to the World

You can take the boy out of Ohio...

...but you can't take the need to put on a pair sweatpants and look like shit on your very own lawn chair out of the boy.


Yessirreebob, I live the metropolitan lifestyle. Never is this more apparent then when I blog at my Upper East Side shithole pilattzo, sitting in my slightly stained tighty whiteys, paisley bandana tying back my mullet in girly headband fashion, drinking coffee out of my Little Women opening night mug as the heat from my laptop gently lowers my sperm count. Yes, friends: I. Am. Class.

As such, I like to take in all the culture this city has to offer. So when I heard that Mayor Mike, in an effort to ease Midtown congestion and provide more public space, was going to cut off parts of Broadway in Times Square and Herald Square I proclaimed, huzzah! FINALLY, this grand thoroughfare would get the iconic installation it deserved! I was all tizzy in my skivvies as I fantasized as to what might occupy the polluted pike: A Bellagio-inspired water fountain choreographed to "Hello Dolly!" selections? The first ever Whorin' Museum? Whaaat????!

All a twitter, I couldn't wait any longer. So I grabbed my GWGG photo editor, Salli and headed posthaste to the Great White Way. What did I discover? A whole lot of...

Fat people on lawn chairs?

While not quite what I expected, I learned long ago from journalist ethics class, never judge your subject. Simply report the news and allow your readers to come up with their own conclusions. So without any further adieu, I present the following Summer Pictorial:

SUMMER PICTORIAL: TIMES SQUARE, FRONT PORCH TO THE WORLD

The Vacation Alternative
George, 41, of Murray Hill put it succinctly, "I love the new lounge chairs! We got here at 5am to score these puppies. It's really great -all the sun and fun of a Miami cabana, without satisfaction and self-respect of an actual vacation."

Livin' the Life
For some it is a chance to relax and take a breather. "I'm on my feet 24/7," confides bike messenger Jerry Raven. "Here I can give my tired 'dogs' a rest. Plus, these pylons work great to air out my balls."

None Too Pleased
Ask Cheryl Shepard from Ecoli, Mississippi and you'll get a different perspective about the New 42nd Street. "I's done told, sit still long enough and you'll see everyone you know in Times Square. Well, I've been here sittin' bout 20 minutes and all I seen's about (85) ho-m0-sexuals and Jeff Goldblum. Only thing good happened's I bought a mumu/table cloth off that nice KO-rean over there."

Michael Jackson Memorial Glove
One of the newest additions to the pedestrian plaza was a silver glove chair, in honor of the late Michael Jackson. The memorial glove, curiously inscribed with the phrase, "he touched our hearts, and our kids' no-no places," comes complete with free Jesus Juice for youngsters and Emanuel Lewis.

BYOC (Bring Your Own Chair)
While the city provides hundreds of plastic folding chairs secured from Duane Reade at no cost, some guests choose to bring their own. Robin Halifax of Sunnyside, Queens opted to outfit her chair with wheels, foot rests and comfy padding. When asked what inspired her to bring down her own custom chair she replied, "arthritis, you fucktard."

WE HAVE A WINNER!
While the shoddy craftsmanship of these chairs may be looked down upon by some, here at GWGG we see it as an opportunity for Greatness. After extensive review by our esteemed GWGG Editorial Board (which consists of myself and two stuffed monkeys, Mojo & Grouchy), we hereby deem this 2009's Breakthrough Performance by an Ass. Congratualtions, Ass.

All good things must come to an end. So at the conclusion of my day, I sat down with a cup of coffee and reflected on my photo essay. What did I learn from the experience?

I guess what I learned is, when you don't know what to place in one of the busiest, most iconic locations in the world, put crappy Chinese lawn chairs. My only hope is that Vatican City, Trafalgar Square & Red Square can learn from our most shining example.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Speech Writing the Sarah Palin Way

Charisma, talent these things are self-evident.



As a deeply superficial US American, I simply love it when brains and beauty converge to forge new international & domestic policy. That is what makes this country great. Just when you thought Miss South Carolina had the lock on great thinkin', Greatness With Garrigan Gumption sweetheart, Sarah Palin -after working a grueling (6) months has head of her snowbilly state- decided to step up to step aside (and on July 3rd, just a day before that big America celebration thingy.)




Yes friends I'm going to "call an audible" and change blogging as usual, and give you something you can use. When you watch Mrs. Palin on the internets or liberal media you can't help but think to yourself, she just makes it look so easy. Well, you too can write a rambling, nonsensical speech. Here let me show you.

SPEECH WRITING THE SARAH PALIN WAY
You look at Sarah Palin, and her wordsmithery and you sense something pretty exceptional. This woman is not just an up-do and a pair of fuck-me boots -no, she is a modern day (female) Thomas Jefferson. How ever does she do it? She uses the Sarah Palin word bank -and now so can you!

Sarah's Speeches Word Bank
snowy (adjective)
Alaskans (people)
Americans (people)
Hell Yeah! (exclamation)
Politics as usual (catch phrase)
Full court press (sports analogy)
God Bless (sentence starter)
Gosh darn it (sentence starter)
troops (people)
...and prayer (afterthought)
I'm not wired like that (afterthought)
affect change (catch phrase)
for America (afterthought)
Unconventional (adjective)
Freedom (noun)
Liberal media (people)
Big government (people)
Victory (noun)
Positive difference (noun)
First things first (sentence starter)
Change in the tone of politics (action)
Clean up Washington (action)
Drill baby drill (exclamation)
The world needs more Trigs (non-sequitur)
Like General MacArthur once said (non-sequitur)
Beat up on me and my family (action)
Here's what a good point guard does (sports analogy)
Hockey mom (sports analogy)

Using these (29) expressions you too can look as polished as Sarah Palin. Here give it a try:


My [adjective] [people], I want to thank you so much for coming out to be with me today. [exclaimation], if there is one thing I love it is [noun] and so it is such an honor to be here today to [action]. On my way here, I couldn't stop thinking about the very first time that I thought about running for governor of the great state of Alaska [afterthought]. It always fills me with such fond memories that I have to call the 1st Dude, Todd, on the phone and say [catchphrase]. [sentence starter], the good [people] look to [people] to be a compassionate conservative and say to the world [non-sequitur],[afterthought]. [sentence starter],[noun] waits for no man or woman so [non-sequitur][sports analogy], you know [exclaimation]!

Here's what I came up with:

My unconventional big government, I want to thank you so much for coming out to be with me today. Drill baby drill, if there is one thing I love it is positive difference and so it is such an honor to be here today to beat up on me and my family. On my way here, I couldn't stop thinking about the very first time that I thought about running for governor of the great state of Alaska ...and prayer. It always fills me with such fond memories that I have to call the 1st Dude, Todd, on the phone and say politics as usual. Gosh darn it, the good troops look to liberal media to be a compassionate conservative and say to the world the world needs more Trigs, for America. God Bless, victory waits for no man or woman so like General MacAurthur once said here's what a good point guard does, you know Hell yeah!

What's that? Your speech doesn't make any sense? Mission accomplished. Please plug in some words submit your best Palin speech. If it is particularly good, I will post it here (click here to email that shit). Who knows, you may be Alaska's next governor!



PS- Sarah, you'll always be vice president of my heart. XOXO

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