Monday, June 29, 2009

Where HAVEN'T I Been

When you don't know what to say, let the music speak for you:

Yes, my little bambinos, "even lovers need a holiday." And even though "it's hard for me to say I'm sorry," I will pop the collar of my plastic jacket, douse my head in a bottle of LA Looks Xtreme Hold hair gel and make it up to you in the form of a literary jam fest.

Last week, some of you may note, I called in tired to GWGG, and a lot of you are probably wondering, "what gives?" Well, much like all of the other men you've chased away from your life by pestering them with calls, text messages, emails, IM's, Facebook posts, and positive energy -I found you to be too clingy and took a weekend off to figure my shit out -baby, it's not you, it's me.

During this time, while I decided the best way to shut you out of my life, I did some really neat stuff. What kind of neat stuff? Well, I'm glad you asked, shut-in.


Yes, friends as most of you may know, I wrote a book this year. The book is entitled, "Good 'n Greasy: Post Modern America's Love Affair with Pam Cooking Spray; the Social Upheaval of the 1960's and it's Effect on Culinary Lubricants." Last week, I was so pumped to be invited to hold my very first book signing!

Unfortunately, there were shipping issues involving getting the books to the venue on time. Never deterred, I just started signing a stack of random for Dummies books which I selected because they are bright, colorful -much like myself. I figured my signature had delighted me for hours during high school in between punitive beatings and so hopefully it might bring a little joy to some other poor bastard's life.


I have watched lots of angler television programs, and what I have learned is all you have to do is get in a boat, wear sporty clothes, and repeatedly announce, "looks like you're getting some bites there, BOB."

It looked fun on TV, but it wasn't long till I was distracted and started re-enacting scenes from Overboard.

I sure am going to miss Dad.


This blog has made me an overnight celebrity. You combine this with a diabolical mix of debonair style, graceful moves and shameless self-promoting and you have got the makings of one fucking awesome Dancing with the Stars contestant. The good folks at ABC thought so too, which is why I was whisked away to LA for my screen test. Just a couple of things.

Dips: kick ass.

Lifts: no so much

My enormous man-guns are strictly for aesthetic purposes. They were forged in a gym and not on a farm.


Lastly, I've been working to get situated into my 30's. One has such high hopes for their lives, goals you would like to achieve before you reach the big 3-0. Me? I wanted a porn empire. My lack of an ever revolving door of big tittay'd nyphos has left me feeling unfulfilled.

As a result, no one gets any cake until my face is buried in silicone.

So there you have it. That's what I've been up to. Now please, leave me alone. You can't find happiness with me until you find happiness with you, okay? Good talk.


GWGG Sends Good Wishes to....

Lisa Garrigan & John RichardsonMay you find a state who will gay-marry you.

No comments:


Related Posts with Thumbnails