Monday, June 29, 2009

Where HAVEN'T I Been

When you don't know what to say, let the music speak for you:



Yes, my little bambinos, "even lovers need a holiday." And even though "it's hard for me to say I'm sorry," I will pop the collar of my plastic jacket, douse my head in a bottle of LA Looks Xtreme Hold hair gel and make it up to you in the form of a literary jam fest.

Last week, some of you may note, I called in tired to GWGG, and a lot of you are probably wondering, "what gives?" Well, much like all of the other men you've chased away from your life by pestering them with calls, text messages, emails, IM's, Facebook posts, and positive energy -I found you to be too clingy and took a weekend off to figure my shit out -baby, it's not you, it's me.

During this time, while I decided the best way to shut you out of my life, I did some really neat stuff. What kind of neat stuff? Well, I'm glad you asked, shut-in.

MY FIRST BOOK SIGNING


Yes, friends as most of you may know, I wrote a book this year. The book is entitled, "Good 'n Greasy: Post Modern America's Love Affair with Pam Cooking Spray; the Social Upheaval of the 1960's and it's Effect on Culinary Lubricants." Last week, I was so pumped to be invited to hold my very first book signing!

Unfortunately, there were shipping issues involving getting the books to the venue on time. Never deterred, I just started signing a stack of random for Dummies books which I selected because they are bright, colorful -much like myself. I figured my signature had delighted me for hours during high school in between punitive beatings and so hopefully it might bring a little joy to some other poor bastard's life.

COMPETITIVE FISHMANERY


I have watched lots of angler television programs, and what I have learned is all you have to do is get in a boat, wear sporty clothes, and repeatedly announce, "looks like you're getting some bites there, BOB."

It looked fun on TV, but it wasn't long till I was distracted and started re-enacting scenes from Overboard.


I sure am going to miss Dad.

DANCING WITH THE STARS AUDITION

This blog has made me an overnight celebrity. You combine this with a diabolical mix of debonair style, graceful moves and shameless self-promoting and you have got the makings of one fucking awesome Dancing with the Stars contestant. The good folks at ABC thought so too, which is why I was whisked away to LA for my screen test. Just a couple of things.

Dips: kick ass.


Lifts: no so much


My enormous man-guns are strictly for aesthetic purposes. They were forged in a gym and not on a farm.

ASSIMILATING INTO MY 30's

Lastly, I've been working to get situated into my 30's. One has such high hopes for their lives, goals you would like to achieve before you reach the big 3-0. Me? I wanted a porn empire. My lack of an ever revolving door of big tittay'd nyphos has left me feeling unfulfilled.

As a result, no one gets any cake until my face is buried in silicone.

So there you have it. That's what I've been up to. Now please, leave me alone. You can't find happiness with me until you find happiness with you, okay? Good talk.

---

GWGG Sends Good Wishes to....

Lisa Garrigan & John RichardsonMay you find a state who will gay-marry you.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Patrick Suggests

A lot of people ask me, "Patrick do you like anything!!!?"

To which I reply, "MAKE ME MORE SNEAKERS!" I say this because I'm usually working my second job as an Indonesian sweatshop pit boss. -it's the economy, stupid!

Here's one thing I do like, Mr. Daniel Tosh.

You're welcome. For more Tosh-tasticness click here. Now get back to work, Turkey is gaining on us.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Monday, June 08, 2009

30 Years of Bullet Points


Today I turn 30. But what happened before all that?

  • Year 1 - Stars collide and a burst of energy and light is felt across the earth -gassy unus "the gassy one" is born
  • Year 2 - Headline: Sibling Rivalry Rocks Garrigan House
  • Year 3 - Headline: Garrigans - Will they ever stop having babies?
  • Year 4 - Everything is a gun.
  • Year 5 - Learned the word 'serendipity'
  • Year 6 - Working my way up the boy scout ladder
  • Year 7 - Ms. Ghenco has weird glasses
  • Year 8 - Editor for poorly circulated, "Youth Pilots Weekly"
  • Year 9 - There's just something about the leaves
  • Year 10 - I feel the need, the need for speed.
  • Year 11 - Odyssey of the Mind -cause I'm 27% smarter than you.
  • Year 12 - Was dating Beth. Don't remember Beth's last name, but it was a pretty big deal that I was dating Beth.
  • Year 13 - You're growing up, here's your Claddagh ring.
  • Year 14 - Mapped out class schedule, beaten up any way
  • Year 15 - Playing the role of hot-tempered Puerto Rican gangleader, Bernardo, is sophomore Patrick Garrigan.
  • Year 16 - The car is buried up to its axl in shite.
  • Year 17 - You're reading the blog of the Marion, Ohio Teen of the Year
  • Year 18 - Strippers, lottery tickets and throwing up on cigars.
  • Year 19 - Culture shock
  • Year 20 - Failed sophomore evals, life as we know it is over.
  • Year 21 - Fuck you Pirate Bay rum.
  • Year 22 - What I did for love
  • Year 23 - "Iceberg, riiiiight ahead!"
  • Year 24 - You are now a member of the Actors Equity Association of America. You will find the number for unemployment directly under your membership number.
  • Year 25 - Me, America and a big orange van.
  • Year 26 - That's life.
  • Year 27 - Astoria: we got street meat!
  • Year 28 - Built World's Largest Cannoli Christmas Tree
  • Year 29 - Writing a Book for Dummies
  • Year 30 -
And thirty is yet to be explored. Incidentally, this is also the outline for my memoir. so if you try to steal it before I can get it into the grubby hands of those folks at Random House, I'll cut you.

See you at Gossip tonight!

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