Sunday, May 10, 2009

License to Insult


Here's the deal friends: I am a seeker of truth, insomuch as it is flattering to me. Chances are if you're honest with yourself, so too are you.

As I see it honesty is probably like, "hey, while you were out, I used your gym water bottle to make a do-it-yourself bidet, so you may want to wash it before you do squat thrusts next." It is integrity in the face of inconvenience while revealing a truism about yourself.

This can be difficult in the sense that it demands that I might have to behave in a way or say things that could make me uncomfortable or cause me to have to admit responsibility for errors that I *may* have made. WELLLLL, that doesn't sound like any fun!

In response, I have found more and more I am tweaking this definition to be a little more self-serving:

As I watch TV:
"Kelly is a fucking linebacker looking douchebag with no sense of reality. I'm just being honest."
Or as I chat with friends:
"You need to stop putting on so much make-up you look like a French whore-clown. Listen, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I'm just being honest, whore-clown."
Or in professional settings:
"This artwork is so fugly. Margo should just go into the storage room and shoot herself in her fugly face so she'll stop making such fugly shit. What? Too harsh? Just being honest. Fugly honest."
It's brilliant! It's like a lingual permission slip to say fuckall!

For me, "being honest" has become my back-end equivalent of saying such things as "don't take this the wrong way, but there's just something about you that makes me want to tie you to a tree in the wilderness, put peanut butter on your no-no places, and tape the impending carnage for a documentary I've been drafting for the past three years about you called, 'The Last Days of A Dipshit."

How do you not take that the wrong way? You can't!

That's the inherent beauty of "don't take this the wrong way" or "I'm being honest" you either warned them in the front or qualified it in the back, so they have no business being angry. Now you can say all those hateful things about Bob and Cheryl and Guillaume ('cause what kind of a tool name is that anyway) and rest comfortably in the knowledge you're protected by the Cloak of Truth! Hooray!

I am told by experts in the field of truthiness, truthologists I believe they're called, that this is not the correct use of "honesty" and they're taking it up with the Supreme Court or Judge Joe Brown or something to overturn my interpretation. Whatever, if that happens I have a Plan B. I'll just hire Buck here (pictured below) to hit people who annoy me in the head with a sock.


The bug-eyed look on their faces when Buck lands one right on the kisser will be just fine by me, honestly.

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