Sunday, May 31, 2009

Childbirth is Gross

Got belly? Cover it up, no one wants to see that shit.

In just a matter of days, this sartorial dandy to your left turns 30! Yes friends, June 8th I enter the realm of those whose lives have spanned (3) decades. I say this because I want you to buy me stuff.

Also because it allows the opportunity for some unique reflection. As I think back, there are a lot of emotions: Thoughts of achievement, friendship and sadness about not having bedded a big tittay'd, bushy eyebrowed, Jennifer Connolly (circa Requim for a Dream).

If I'm feeling particularly introspective, I think back to my own birth. I thank my mother who had the good sense to squeeze me out so that I might shine a great light unto the world -like a more self-centered, better dressed Ghandi.

I gotta say though, beyond that, childbirth is gross.

You're probably thinking, "Patrick where did this resentment for the miracle of childbirth come from?" Well I'm glad you asked. It began as I was riding the subway this sunny weekend. I was engrossed in my current summer page turner, "Reagan: Conservatism & Conga - How the Cha Cha Chopped Communism, A Light Romp with Gorbachev," when I looked up what did I find?

A preggers belly right in my face! The thing is, she's not lifting up her shirt, this was the shirt! Yes! It was supposed to look like this! As if this wasn't bad enough, she let her belly hit the pole which, lubricated by ultrasound jelly, slipped off with a squeak.

Before you go calling me a sexist pig, let's think about this for a second. Say there was an equally attractive man who had a belly exactly as big would you want to see that? This isn't a rhetorical question, decide for yourself:


See! It's still gross and I'm A LOT more attractive than she is! So why is it a game changer just because she is "bringing a new life into this world?" You hypocrites...

When I got home, I tried to make sense of it all by searching 'joy of pregnancy' with the hopes that The Google might shed some light on this celebration of the fat tummy? If I thought I got an eyeful on the subway, that was nothing compared to what I found on the internets!

What is it about pregnancy, that means everyone needs to get naked and take unflattering pictures of themselves? Isn't that how this whole pregnancy thing happened in the first place? Gross. Fellas, please admit it you're not as into it as these pictures might illustrate. Your yearly contributions to porn sites have gone up 215%, and why wouldn't they? She's not only less attractive she's grouchy too!

The only person I have any respect for in this triptych is the gentleman in the middle who poses with the sincere, keen awareness that the only difference between his wife and himself is that his belly is stuffed with crispy, delicious duck while she a carries duckling of another feather. Well done, overweight Asian, well done.

And as if that wasn't enough-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT -FOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!

That's what I'm talking about! These bellies sneak up on you.

The more I looked around the internets, the more creeped out I got. I mean just look at this "training doll."


Is this supposed to make the miracle of life some how more palatable? If so, you can slap a big 'ol 'FAIL' on this one too. Cause all I see is that creepy girl from The Ring with highly exaggerated nipples for a pre-pubescent girl. So, um, I think we can all agree, eew. Yes? Thought so.

Extremely upset, I decided to give the gestation and delivery of babies a stay for this weekend, and enjoy the mindless visual candy of the MTV Movie Awards. In a break between Megan Fox close-ups, MTV showed a teaser for their newest True Life documentary -essentially this:



If this is meant to curb unwanted pregnancies, I say Mission Accomplished. That said, I prefer my gnarly anti-pregnancy pandering in the form of a poorly programmed Bristol Palin toting around that floppy kid of hers. A slimy mix of blood and poo and placenta is not what I want to see as sandwiched between ads for Orbitz gum (the official gum of Patrick Garrigan) the latest T-Mobile flibbity-jibet! This is America, I will take my True Life with a side of censorship thank you very much!

In closing, let me say, I'm not anti-pregnancy. I'm simply anti-pregnancy in the public arena -you know, like around me. If you're currently pregnant, I tell you what I told my first wife when she learned she had a bun in the oven, congrats, now please, go find a baggy sweater and a banana clip. But that's a story for another day.

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NEW FOUND NARCISSISM: Like that new picture at the top? Of course you do, it has me in it! My thanks to Mr. Taylor Hooper for the shots you'll see peppered throughout this b-log in the coming months. You want pictures? Drop him a line.

1 comment:

Hector said...

I wholeheartedly agree! Keep the belly underwraps. In fact, pregnancy is a great time for women to take side jobs as bank tellers, box office agents or phone sex workers so we don't have to see it.

PS - I love that the Top Topics count on your blog cites as the highest number of hits: Musicals, Titties, Dick and Fart Jokes.

You're my hero! (well, except for the titties...see above.)

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