Sunday, April 26, 2009

Pirates, You're Doing It Wrong!

Oh me God, ye guys, these lily livered Somali pirates canna do anythin' correctly!

If ye`ve had an ear t' th' TV or an eye t' th' interwebz, ye`ve probably heard that sweet raider trade off th' coast o' Africa be on th' rise. Why jus' these tides, gentleman o' fortunes attacked an Italian cruise arrr ship. I know what ye`re probably thinkin', "awesome," be I correct? But ye would be wrong! These lily livered horkers be doin' 't all wrong.

AAAAARG! Call me a traditionalist, but I long for a simpler time, a time when men wore powdered wigs, women milked cows in peasant attire and pirates wore eye patches. Yes, when I think pirates I prefer to think of the panache of Pirates of the Caribbean, the heroism of The Swiss Family Robinson, and the hardcore sex of Pirates. Quite simply, these Somali pirates are ruining the time-honored traditions of ruthless, unscrupulous sea-scurvy marauders. And providing a highly unnecessary dose of reality to the fantasy world I like to call home.

I have a vast array of grievances, grievances which I will outline now:

Greatness Grievance 1: An Assault On Fashion

Piratessssssss! Yes, this is what I'm talking about! Aside from Keira's Asian railroad worker ensemble, this is what a pirate should look like. Note the feathered caps, floppy top boots and dark eyeliner. These pret a porter numbers just scream to victims of the sea, like, you should totally fear me, okaaaay?!

And what do our Somali counterparts answer with?

C'mon! All I need to hear is, "smile, it won't mess up your hair," and then I will be absolutely positive they are hobos. While the headscarves are a step in the right direction, the fact that HOBO #2 uses a *white* scarf (and before Memorial Day nonetheless) I can't help but scream to the heavens in frustration. My hope is that the white head-tie is either covering up a massive headwound -the only possible excuse for such horrible fashion choices- or he is surrendering his vessel to Isaac Mizrahi.

Greatness Grievance 2: You Call That A Boat?
Look at this ship!

Holy crap. I just pooped myself with fear. I don't mean that as a euphemism, I literally filled my American Apparel baby rib boxer briefs with doody. You know what keeps that boat afloat? Sheer fucking evil, that's what. That was back in the 1700's, so you would think that in the 21st Century, pirates must have this shit on lockdown, yes?

Nooooooooo! These guys suck. One of these pictures is of Somali pirates and one of them is of Cuban refugees. Do you know which is which? I will give you a hint, the ones with the bazookas are the pirates. Other than that they look exactly the fucking same!

Greatness Grievance 3: Where My Wenches At?
You know what ticks me off the most about all this piracy talk? The lack of saucy wenches.

Silly Somalians! Know ye nothing! A pirate ship should have rum, gunpowder and booty. And by booty, I mean wenches. You know why you guys are not good at this piracy thing? You're too tense. I have been studying your pictures, and fellas, it looks to me like a sausagefest. Imagine pirates, if you had just one of these minx on your ship? It would really go so far in improving crew morale. Just remember, happy pirates are far 75% more likely to commit atrocities at sea than sexless pirates. That's HR 101.

Greatness Greivance 4: Don't Mess With the USA
USA! USA! USA! Dear World, in case you don't know by now, we don't care. Pirates, if you try to hijack one of our ships here's what happens: We will fill a helicopter with our finest triggermen and we will fly them out to a boat. We will then put that boat as close to you as possible and then we will shoot you and then you will be dead. And then, Ridley Scott will make a movie about it and I will buy two tickets. Why? Because we are America, and it's what we do.

Armed with this information, what is a pirate to do? Attack the British, DUH!

Now, I'm not (openly) advocating attacking an ally. I'm just saying, it's easier. Their navy's motto is, Modern and Relevant, while ours involves something about Fucking You Up -all set to a Godsmack death-metal anthem. The choice is yours.

So thar 'tis Somali shipmates. Me hope be that ye`ll use these 'ere grievenances t' hone yer own sea dog skills an' if all else fails -get a peg leg an' a parrot. `Tis jus' that easy.


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1 comment:

Teanna said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

The Pirate/Cuban refugee side by side is too good!


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