Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Most Important Blog Post You'll Read (In the Next 24 Hours)


Listen, unless you are currently employed on this list, stop what you're doing, print out this page and get your pen and paper.

CHECK IT: This could be the most important blog posting you'll ever read.

PRESS RELEASE: ATLANTA, March 31 /PRNewswire/ -- We all know how stressful Tax Day is - especially this year - so as a way to show guests that Tax Day Bites!, participating U.S. mall-based Cinnabon bakeries will give away free Classic Bites on Wednesday, April 15 from 5 to 8 pm.*

"At Cinnabon, we believe that Life Needs Frosting(TM)," said Geoff Hill, Cinnabon president. "Everyone deserves to splurge and treat themselves every once in awhile, so we'd love to be the frosting on our guests' day, particularly on days as painful as Tax Day."

As part of the Tax Day Bites! promotion, guests can enter the brand's online essay contest now through April 15 for the chance to win a $100 gift card. In 500 words or less, participants should explain how Cinnabon came to their rescue and put some frosting on a frenzied, frustrating or just plain bad day. Visit for official rules and to enter the contest.

And for guests who need frosting on-the-go, Cinnabon has created the new Stix Packs, featuring five Cinnabon Stix(TM) and the brand's signature frosting, all in one portable package.

* While supplies last. Limit one offer per guest during the day of the promotion. Counts vary by store. Valid only at participating U.S. mall-based bakeries. Not valid at airports or travel plazas. No purchase necessary. No cash value.

No cash value my ass! The only way that's true is if you mean no cash value in the sense that it's so full of gooey deliciousness that to attempt to affix some sort of monetary value towards such a delicacy would be impossible.

Anyway, how frickin' delicious is that??? Free Cinnabon's on tax day. Just for sharing this information with you, I feel like I should get 20% of your non-existent tax refund.

As for taking a crack at that $100 Cinnabon gift card, well I wasted no time grabbing my pen and paper and writing up my very, very 100%, not made up at all, true story of how Cinnabon saved my life. Below, you'll find the result:

"You can't use 'money for monkey' as a $7,000 tax write off. Take it from me Cinnabon, I learned it the hard way.

It seems fitting to me that Cinnabon would have this essay writing contest encouraging patrons to explain how Cinnabon came to their rescue right around tax season, because that is exactly the time that Cinnabon saved my life.

The year was 2004, and during this time I was struck with an addiction: I loved to play with monkeys. Monkey's don't come cheap though. Indian exotic monkey handlers can charge persons with my monkey succeptability prices ranging from $50 to hug a monkey for a cute photo op to $350/hr to change their impossibly tiny diapers. Oh sure, the first feeding, where they eat the banana just like a human was free, but after that I was hooked -and there weren't no more freebie. I quickly found myself addicted to playing with monkeys.

When it came time to file my taxes I found that I had only made $14,000 that year because so much of my time was spent with the creature, simianus. I had asked for (32) deductions to allow the greatest amount cash for monkey-play so I was certain that I would have to pay. As a result, I did the only thing I knew to do. I told the truth, claimed $7,000 under the itemized deduction, 'money for monkey,' signed my return and threw it in the mail.

Years past, and I eventually stopped with all the monkey business, and diverted all my attention into eating your scrumptious Cinnabon. I'd been given a second chance, and I wasn't going to waste it eating inferior cinnamon rolls.

Until one day, I opened my mailbox to find an ominious looking letter from the Internal Revenue Service. I was being audited for my 2004 tax return!!! Immediately, I began to panic. Suddenly, I began pooping, puking, peeing, sweating, sneezing, making candles out of earwax, crying, itching, coughing, and shedding skin cells, all at the same time -that's how upset I was. I WAS FUCKED.

After going through all the emotions that a person goes through when they know they're going to go to prison for tax evasion and then become someone named Tito's bitch for (2) to (7) years, I wiped away my salty, salty tears and went to the auditors office to take it like a man. But before the office I stopped at Penn Station to pick up that special something that had given me comfort when I had needed it most, the Cinnabon.

When my name was called, I grabbed my 2004 return and my 6-pack of CinnaStix and headed to Charles (my auditors) desk. As soon as I was seated, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Mr. Garrigan, how do you feel about pin stripes?" I replied that I thought they were slimming. Unamused, Charles, curtly replied, "cute, you'll have a lot of time to work on that sense of humor when you are in PRISON!" Once again, my body functions went "ape shit" and I lost control, only able to calm myself down by breaking into my bag of CinnaStix and chomping down.

Charles looked up from signing the warrant for my arrest to see me enjoying these delicious baked goods and suddenly he seemed to soften. "Is that a Cinnabon?" I replied that indeed it was. "Hmmm, boy, perhaps we could come to a certain... understanding..." I told him that if that was an innuendo, I had plenty of time to work on that in prison and no thank you very much! But that wasn't what he had in mind.

"Perhaps I could make an exception just this once and agree that playing with monkeys is an acceptable deduction given that, you know, someone's gotta play with those monkeys. In exchange, I want those CinnaStix! ..and those (8) cups of frosting!!!

Not an idiot, I gave Charles my CinnaStix and he handed me a "I got audited by the IRS and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt and out the door I skipped a free man! Thanks Cinnabon!"

Well, what do you think? Do you think I'll win? Aren't you glad you stopped what you were doing, Doctor? Regardless of whether or not you support my extremely true story or not, whatever you do, please take a moment to go to Cinnabon and get those free bites a week from Wednesday. You'll be glad you did.


Do you like feeling joy? I thought so. If not, call me. I'll hug you. You'll rediscover it. If you already have it find some more at this officially sanctioned GWGG outting:

Come see a brand new sketch comedy show called BOW BITERS starring Tim Dunn and D'Arcy Erokan! Written by Caitlin Tegart! Directed by Neil Casey!

You can see this show at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre TWICE in the next week:

Our Spank: MON, APRIL 6 @ 9:30 -- Reservations here.

BOW BITERS is the first ever sketch show starring Tim Dunn and D'Arcy Erokan! BOW BITERS is the first ever sketch show written by Caitlin Tegart! BOW BITERS is the millionth sketch show directed by Neil Casey! SO HOW COULD YOU MISS IT?


You know, every weekend I take a walk around this fair city and I thought to myself, what if I could take all this walking that I do and use it to help others and then POOF! I found the answer! On April 19, 2009, I will join 6,000 participants for the 21st Annual Walk MS event. Being the shameless self-promoter of my nature walks that I am, I wonder if you might consider sponsoring me for this walk or joining what is sure to be the most thought provoking, hilarious, titillating walk you've ever taken, because you'll be taking it with me! Huzzah!

If you would care to sponsor me, and you know you want to, you can simply click here:

OR if you'd like to lace up your Saucony's and share your walking skills with the world, you can click here:


* Click Join A Team
* Enter the Team Name, Dan's Lost Luggage, in the search box
* When you see that glorious name, click JOIN
* You will then become part of the finest walking team ever assembled

While I joke, this is great charity that affects my family and those close to me. So if you have an extra buck or $200,000 that you can part with it would be very helpful to this cause. If not, wake up early on Sunday and join me for the walk -you'll be glad you did (I will bring Cinnabons).

As always thanks in advance for your help and please feel free to email me with any questions!


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