Monday, April 20, 2009

A Brief History of Tea Bagging

Shazam! You just got TEA BAGGED!!!


"What the hell is going on? People are angry. People are buying thousands of pounds of tea to dump. People won't stop sticking their scrotums in other people's mouths. It's mass hysteria. Patrick, please make sense of it all!!"

Simmer down, simmer down, daddy will take care of you. Here's the deal. Lower middle class racists with victim complexes were all, "boo hoo, that Obama's a ruinin' my country by not standing by while our financial system implodes. And what's with all them taxes? Oh, wait, there's a tax cut, uherrrr.... Well I don't like taxes at all. OH! The government people wear suits and I don't like suits neither. Or pennyloafers. Or tomaters! Or Phil Donahue!"


Then they marched around in stupid outfits and CNN blamed the whole thing on FOX. And FOX was all, "we didn't do this and tea bagging isn't funny." Then I thought to myself, "Sean Hannity could totally be Rod Blagojevich's fatter, less charming brother." Then the sad, inarticulate people go home and then (2) years from now we'll look back at this incident and giggle the way we giggle at Vanilla Ice's career.

But none of that is really important.

What is important is that this populist debate has put tea bagging in the forefront of people's minds, where it belongs. To put my entire readership on the same page, tea bagging is when you take a bag of tea, preferably Celestial Seasoning's Lemon Zinger (the Official Herbal Tea of Patrick Garrigan), and place it into a cup of hot water and you dip, dip, dip your way to delicious tea.

OR

When (2) people love each other veeeeeery much they decide the best expression of this love is to do naked deep quad squats over a friend who coincidentally happens to be yawning directly beneath them. This is tea bagging.

Yes, really. And how did all this get started? Funny story actually.

Back in the 6th Century, noted Grecian food dehydrator, Kristos Deliciouso, was having a bitchin' party where he was premiering his dried grape maker (or raisins to you and me), and one of his lady friends, Cheryl, was feeding him the dried grapes right off the vine. Well Cheryl ran out of the dried fruit and unbeknownst to Kristos, she went to the kitchen to get more. At the same time, Adolpho, the town naked dude walked over the seated, socially engrossed Kristos to congratualte him on his achievement. At the same time, Kristos turned to grab another dried grape -well, lets just say hilarity ensued...

The First Tea Bagging

And that was the birth of tea bagging. Well, the practice evolved from there, and people really seemed to like it! Guys with girls, guys with guys. Hell, even pets got in on the action:

Animals Love It Too!

Over the years thousands of people took part in tea bagging. I never thought I had any personal experience with tea bagging myself, until I received my high school yearbook. What I thought would be a really classy shot in suit and tie was my mysteriously replaced with one of the more traumatic moments of my failed career as a 112 lb. wrestler.

Patrick Garrigan, Senior
River Valley High School Class of '97

Throughout the years, tea bagging has evolved from Grecian prank to frat house hazing ritual to whatever this is:


Seriously, I don't know what this is, but I guess it works. ...so long as you envision these Lipton bags as big nutsacks.

To review:


Consider yourself learn'd.

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