Sunday, April 26, 2009

Pirates, You're Doing It Wrong!

Oh me God, ye guys, these lily livered Somali pirates canna do anythin' correctly!

If ye`ve had an ear t' th' TV or an eye t' th' interwebz, ye`ve probably heard that sweet raider trade off th' coast o' Africa be on th' rise. Why jus' these tides, gentleman o' fortunes attacked an Italian cruise arrr ship. I know what ye`re probably thinkin', "awesome," be I correct? But ye would be wrong! These lily livered horkers be doin' 't all wrong.

AAAAARG! Call me a traditionalist, but I long for a simpler time, a time when men wore powdered wigs, women milked cows in peasant attire and pirates wore eye patches. Yes, when I think pirates I prefer to think of the panache of Pirates of the Caribbean, the heroism of The Swiss Family Robinson, and the hardcore sex of Pirates. Quite simply, these Somali pirates are ruining the time-honored traditions of ruthless, unscrupulous sea-scurvy marauders. And providing a highly unnecessary dose of reality to the fantasy world I like to call home.

I have a vast array of grievances, grievances which I will outline now:

Greatness Grievance 1: An Assault On Fashion

Piratessssssss! Yes, this is what I'm talking about! Aside from Keira's Asian railroad worker ensemble, this is what a pirate should look like. Note the feathered caps, floppy top boots and dark eyeliner. These pret a porter numbers just scream to victims of the sea, like, you should totally fear me, okaaaay?!

And what do our Somali counterparts answer with?


C'mon! All I need to hear is, "smile, it won't mess up your hair," and then I will be absolutely positive they are hobos. While the headscarves are a step in the right direction, the fact that HOBO #2 uses a *white* scarf (and before Memorial Day nonetheless) I can't help but scream to the heavens in frustration. My hope is that the white head-tie is either covering up a massive headwound -the only possible excuse for such horrible fashion choices- or he is surrendering his vessel to Isaac Mizrahi.

Greatness Grievance 2: You Call That A Boat?
Look at this ship!


Holy crap. I just pooped myself with fear. I don't mean that as a euphemism, I literally filled my American Apparel baby rib boxer briefs with doody. You know what keeps that boat afloat? Sheer fucking evil, that's what. That was back in the 1700's, so you would think that in the 21st Century, pirates must have this shit on lockdown, yes?


Nooooooooo! These guys suck. One of these pictures is of Somali pirates and one of them is of Cuban refugees. Do you know which is which? I will give you a hint, the ones with the bazookas are the pirates. Other than that they look exactly the fucking same!

Greatness Grievance 3: Where My Wenches At?
You know what ticks me off the most about all this piracy talk? The lack of saucy wenches.


Silly Somalians! Know ye nothing! A pirate ship should have rum, gunpowder and booty. And by booty, I mean wenches. You know why you guys are not good at this piracy thing? You're too tense. I have been studying your pictures, and fellas, it looks to me like a sausagefest. Imagine pirates, if you had just one of these minx on your ship? It would really go so far in improving crew morale. Just remember, happy pirates are far 75% more likely to commit atrocities at sea than sexless pirates. That's HR 101.

Greatness Greivance 4: Don't Mess With the USA
USA! USA! USA! Dear World, in case you don't know by now, we don't care. Pirates, if you try to hijack one of our ships here's what happens: We will fill a helicopter with our finest triggermen and we will fly them out to a boat. We will then put that boat as close to you as possible and then we will shoot you and then you will be dead. And then, Ridley Scott will make a movie about it and I will buy two tickets. Why? Because we are America, and it's what we do.

Armed with this information, what is a pirate to do? Attack the British, DUH!

Now, I'm not (openly) advocating attacking an ally. I'm just saying, it's easier. Their navy's motto is, Modern and Relevant, while ours involves something about Fucking You Up -all set to a Godsmack death-metal anthem. The choice is yours.

So thar 'tis Somali shipmates. Me hope be that ye`ll use these 'ere grievenances t' hone yer own sea dog skills an' if all else fails -get a peg leg an' a parrot. `Tis jus' that easy.

THIS WEEK ON UBATV'S GREATNESS WITH GARRIGAN GUMPTION:

Click here for SPORTS! Check out the most popular on demand program on UBATV!

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Brief History of Tea Bagging

Shazam! You just got TEA BAGGED!!!


"What the hell is going on? People are angry. People are buying thousands of pounds of tea to dump. People won't stop sticking their scrotums in other people's mouths. It's mass hysteria. Patrick, please make sense of it all!!"

Simmer down, simmer down, daddy will take care of you. Here's the deal. Lower middle class racists with victim complexes were all, "boo hoo, that Obama's a ruinin' my country by not standing by while our financial system implodes. And what's with all them taxes? Oh, wait, there's a tax cut, uherrrr.... Well I don't like taxes at all. OH! The government people wear suits and I don't like suits neither. Or pennyloafers. Or tomaters! Or Phil Donahue!"


Then they marched around in stupid outfits and CNN blamed the whole thing on FOX. And FOX was all, "we didn't do this and tea bagging isn't funny." Then I thought to myself, "Sean Hannity could totally be Rod Blagojevich's fatter, less charming brother." Then the sad, inarticulate people go home and then (2) years from now we'll look back at this incident and giggle the way we giggle at Vanilla Ice's career.

But none of that is really important.

What is important is that this populist debate has put tea bagging in the forefront of people's minds, where it belongs. To put my entire readership on the same page, tea bagging is when you take a bag of tea, preferably Celestial Seasoning's Lemon Zinger (the Official Herbal Tea of Patrick Garrigan), and place it into a cup of hot water and you dip, dip, dip your way to delicious tea.

OR

When (2) people love each other veeeeeery much they decide the best expression of this love is to do naked deep quad squats over a friend who coincidentally happens to be yawning directly beneath them. This is tea bagging.

Yes, really. And how did all this get started? Funny story actually.

Back in the 6th Century, noted Grecian food dehydrator, Kristos Deliciouso, was having a bitchin' party where he was premiering his dried grape maker (or raisins to you and me), and one of his lady friends, Cheryl, was feeding him the dried grapes right off the vine. Well Cheryl ran out of the dried fruit and unbeknownst to Kristos, she went to the kitchen to get more. At the same time, Adolpho, the town naked dude walked over the seated, socially engrossed Kristos to congratualte him on his achievement. At the same time, Kristos turned to grab another dried grape -well, lets just say hilarity ensued...

The First Tea Bagging

And that was the birth of tea bagging. Well, the practice evolved from there, and people really seemed to like it! Guys with girls, guys with guys. Hell, even pets got in on the action:

Animals Love It Too!

Over the years thousands of people took part in tea bagging. I never thought I had any personal experience with tea bagging myself, until I received my high school yearbook. What I thought would be a really classy shot in suit and tie was my mysteriously replaced with one of the more traumatic moments of my failed career as a 112 lb. wrestler.

Patrick Garrigan, Senior
River Valley High School Class of '97

Throughout the years, tea bagging has evolved from Grecian prank to frat house hazing ritual to whatever this is:


Seriously, I don't know what this is, but I guess it works. ...so long as you envision these Lipton bags as big nutsacks.

To review:


Consider yourself learn'd.

Thanks Gumptioneers!

You tolerate like me, you really detest like me!

I wanted to take a quick moment to thank all you out there in Gumptionland, a land filled with Juju Fruits and Good & Plenty's, who have been so supportive in these past few weeks as some exciting stuff has happened!

Well for starters, for those of you who contributed to my MS Walk this past Sunday, the finest walking team ever assembled, "Dan's Lost Luggage," raised over $2,500!!! Which entitled me to a fancy shirt and as many Pretzel Crisp samples as I could eat.

As always, your generosity is greatly appreciated, especially given how often I nag you to support the things that are important to me -which should, by proxy, be important to you.

NEXT, I want to thank everyone who tuned into the Pilot Episode of Greatness with Garrigan Gumption on UBATV.com! Your clicks enabled the show to be the HIGHEST RATED ON DEMAND SHOW ON THE SITE! If you haven't seen it yet, click here. What's more, the 2nd episode will be on demand Monday night (4/20). So get high you pothead, click here then go to the Garrigan tab, and watch as much as you can stomach!

Kthxbai!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Cough Up or Lace Up

Yes friends, it is recession time and everyone is understandably more conscious about where all their money is going. Why I myself went back and reviewed my budget only to discover that $7,500 a week in Vienna Sausages might not be the best use of my funds.

They are very delicious, however, and don't they just look scrumptious?

When I joined the New York City Multiple Sclerosis walk -which is happening this Sunday- I decided I may just be scratching the surface of disposable funds. Here's just a few of the items I may be able to cut from my regular purchases to potentially free up some greenbacks:

$1 - Sleeve of ruled paper for origami unicorns

$5 - 6-Pack of Sweet Mint Orbit gum (The Official Gum of Patrick Garrigan)

$10 - Blockbuster late fees for "Buns of Steel"

$20 - Lap dance by Natalia at Ricks, if I ever got a lap dance at Rick's which I didn't, I miss you Natalia, I never met a girl named Natalia who gave me an incredible dance at Rick's, I don't know such a person, I just lost that $20 on the street, okay, so just drop it, lovely weather we're having these days, no?

$25 - Cab fare to Queens

$35 - (2) Pocketfishermen

$50 - (1) 5,000 penny bust of myself

$75 - 1/149,099,236,631 th of the National Debt

$100 - All expense paid trip to whimsical Camden, NJ! Road Trip! Road Trip! Road Trip!

My question to you is what might you consider parting with this month? Would you opt out of having minty fresh breath for a week? Might you tell Natalia to stop calling you at home (and you've told her like 3 times already, anyway) and pocket that Andrew Jackson. OR might you just say fuck da gub'ment, I ain't paying no taxes this year anyway!

If you're considering any of these outlets, might I suggest using your spare scratch to sponsor me in the MS walk this year? You know you totally want to and it's as easy and clicking this highlighted word right HERE, yes that one or THIS ONE or you could just go directly to my SPONSOR PAGE and click donate to Patrick. All of these will allow you to funnel your conservancy towards this worthwhile cause.

Maybe your thinking to yourself, brother I can't spare a dime. Never fret. Instead grab those British Knights you've been keeping in your closet for a special occassion, lace up those gold/white laces and get to walking with me. You can do that by clicking HERE. Don't forget to stretch!

Well whether your engaging in frugality or fitness I want to thank all you out there in the blogosphere for your support of my activities and a huge thank you to those who have already contributed. You put the GREAT in GREATness and the TION in GumpTION. I sincerely appreciate your help and look forward to seeing your money or seeing your inappropriately tight walking attire Sunday morning! I shall look something like this:

Except I will be a winded cracker. The End.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

A LANDMARK TV EVENT: GWGG

The moment you've all been waiting for. It's like this here blog, except handsomer.


Click here to see what all the hullabaloo is. Let the accolades begin here.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Most Important Blog Post You'll Read (In the Next 24 Hours)


STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING!

Listen, unless you are currently employed on this list, stop what you're doing, print out this page and get your pen and paper.

CHECK IT: This could be the most important blog posting you'll ever read.

PRESS RELEASE: ATLANTA, March 31 /PRNewswire/ -- We all know how stressful Tax Day is - especially this year - so as a way to show guests that Tax Day Bites!, participating U.S. mall-based Cinnabon bakeries will give away free Classic Bites on Wednesday, April 15 from 5 to 8 pm.*

"At Cinnabon, we believe that Life Needs Frosting(TM)," said Geoff Hill, Cinnabon president. "Everyone deserves to splurge and treat themselves every once in awhile, so we'd love to be the frosting on our guests' day, particularly on days as painful as Tax Day."

As part of the Tax Day Bites! promotion, guests can enter the brand's online essay contest now through April 15 for the chance to win a $100 gift card. In 500 words or less, participants should explain how Cinnabon came to their rescue and put some frosting on a frenzied, frustrating or just plain bad day. Visit www.cinnabon.com for official rules and to enter the contest.

And for guests who need frosting on-the-go, Cinnabon has created the new Stix Packs, featuring five Cinnabon Stix(TM) and the brand's signature frosting, all in one portable package.

* While supplies last. Limit one offer per guest during the day of the promotion. Counts vary by store. Valid only at participating U.S. mall-based bakeries. Not valid at airports or travel plazas. No purchase necessary. No cash value.

No cash value my ass! The only way that's true is if you mean no cash value in the sense that it's so full of gooey deliciousness that to attempt to affix some sort of monetary value towards such a delicacy would be impossible.

Anyway, how frickin' delicious is that??? Free Cinnabon's on tax day. Just for sharing this information with you, I feel like I should get 20% of your non-existent tax refund.

As for taking a crack at that $100 Cinnabon gift card, well I wasted no time grabbing my pen and paper and writing up my very, very 100%, not made up at all, true story of how Cinnabon saved my life. Below, you'll find the result:

"You can't use 'money for monkey' as a $7,000 tax write off. Take it from me Cinnabon, I learned it the hard way.

It seems fitting to me that Cinnabon would have this essay writing contest encouraging patrons to explain how Cinnabon came to their rescue right around tax season, because that is exactly the time that Cinnabon saved my life.

The year was 2004, and during this time I was struck with an addiction: I loved to play with monkeys. Monkey's don't come cheap though. Indian exotic monkey handlers can charge persons with my monkey succeptability prices ranging from $50 to hug a monkey for a cute photo op to $350/hr to change their impossibly tiny diapers. Oh sure, the first feeding, where they eat the banana just like a human was free, but after that I was hooked -and there weren't no more freebie. I quickly found myself addicted to playing with monkeys.

When it came time to file my taxes I found that I had only made $14,000 that year because so much of my time was spent with the creature, simianus. I had asked for (32) deductions to allow the greatest amount cash for monkey-play so I was certain that I would have to pay. As a result, I did the only thing I knew to do. I told the truth, claimed $7,000 under the itemized deduction, 'money for monkey,' signed my return and threw it in the mail.

Years past, and I eventually stopped with all the monkey business, and diverted all my attention into eating your scrumptious Cinnabon. I'd been given a second chance, and I wasn't going to waste it eating inferior cinnamon rolls.

Until one day, I opened my mailbox to find an ominious looking letter from the Internal Revenue Service. I was being audited for my 2004 tax return!!! Immediately, I began to panic. Suddenly, I began pooping, puking, peeing, sweating, sneezing, making candles out of earwax, crying, itching, coughing, and shedding skin cells, all at the same time -that's how upset I was. I WAS FUCKED.

After going through all the emotions that a person goes through when they know they're going to go to prison for tax evasion and then become someone named Tito's bitch for (2) to (7) years, I wiped away my salty, salty tears and went to the auditors office to take it like a man. But before the office I stopped at Penn Station to pick up that special something that had given me comfort when I had needed it most, the Cinnabon.

When my name was called, I grabbed my 2004 return and my 6-pack of CinnaStix and headed to Charles (my auditors) desk. As soon as I was seated, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Mr. Garrigan, how do you feel about pin stripes?" I replied that I thought they were slimming. Unamused, Charles, curtly replied, "cute, you'll have a lot of time to work on that sense of humor when you are in PRISON!" Once again, my body functions went "ape shit" and I lost control, only able to calm myself down by breaking into my bag of CinnaStix and chomping down.

Charles looked up from signing the warrant for my arrest to see me enjoying these delicious baked goods and suddenly he seemed to soften. "Is that a Cinnabon?" I replied that indeed it was. "Hmmm, boy, perhaps we could come to a certain... understanding..." I told him that if that was an innuendo, I had plenty of time to work on that in prison and no thank you very much! But that wasn't what he had in mind.

"Perhaps I could make an exception just this once and agree that playing with monkeys is an acceptable deduction given that, you know, someone's gotta play with those monkeys. In exchange, I want those CinnaStix! ..and those (8) cups of frosting!!!

Not an idiot, I gave Charles my CinnaStix and he handed me a "I got audited by the IRS and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt and out the door I skipped a free man! Thanks Cinnabon!"


Well, what do you think? Do you think I'll win? Aren't you glad you stopped what you were doing, Doctor? Regardless of whether or not you support my extremely true story or not, whatever you do, please take a moment to go to Cinnabon and get those free bites a week from Wednesday. You'll be glad you did.

OTHER IMPORTANT COMEDY STUFF

Do you like feeling joy? I thought so. If not, call me. I'll hug you. You'll rediscover it. If you already have it find some more at this officially sanctioned GWGG outting:

Come see a brand new sketch comedy show called BOW BITERS starring Tim Dunn and D'Arcy Erokan! Written by Caitlin Tegart! Directed by Neil Casey!

You can see this show at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre TWICE in the next week:

Our Spank: MON, APRIL 6 @ 9:30 -- Reservations here.

BOW BITERS is the first ever sketch show starring Tim Dunn and D'Arcy Erokan! BOW BITERS is the first ever sketch show written by Caitlin Tegart! BOW BITERS is the millionth sketch show directed by Neil Casey! SO HOW COULD YOU MISS IT?

OTHER IMPORTANT CHARITY STUFF:

You know, every weekend I take a walk around this fair city and I thought to myself, what if I could take all this walking that I do and use it to help others and then POOF! I found the answer! On April 19, 2009, I will join 6,000 participants for the 21st Annual Walk MS event. Being the shameless self-promoter of my nature walks that I am, I wonder if you might consider sponsoring me for this walk or joining what is sure to be the most thought provoking, hilarious, titillating walk you've ever taken, because you'll be taking it with me! Huzzah!

If you would care to sponsor me, and you know you want to, you can simply click here:
http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/NYNWalkEvents?px=6345524&pg=personal&fr_id=11002

OR if you'd like to lace up your Saucony's and share your walking skills with the world, you can click here:
http://walknyn.nationalmssociety.org/site/PageServer?pagename=WLK_NYN_homepage

Then:

* Click Join A Team
* Enter the Team Name, Dan's Lost Luggage, in the search box
* When you see that glorious name, click JOIN
* You will then become part of the finest walking team ever assembled

While I joke, this is great charity that affects my family and those close to me. So if you have an extra buck or $200,000 that you can part with it would be very helpful to this cause. If not, wake up early on Sunday and join me for the walk -you'll be glad you did (I will bring Cinnabons).

As always thanks in advance for your help and please feel free to email me with any questions!

DO EEEET!




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