Monday, March 30, 2009

Can I Get A Pope Hat?

DISCLAIMER:
Hey family member, yeah you, you know how I say things about religion & politics & crass sexuality that tend to tick you off and then you think to yourself that I'm probably going to spend eternity roasting on a demon-spit and you shake your head disapprovingly while luxuriating amongst puffy clouds as I become a crispy carcass. Yes? Well, this is one of those times so you may want to go read something else -like lookey here its a family that's big! Like the Octomom but less crazy and more mustachioed!


Welcome East Coast Sinners! WOWZERS! How about that Pope?

When I think about the Vatican, and I think about them constantly, I picture a bunch of gloriously robed fellas sitting around a big wooden table, a guy being tortured on the rack in the corner -you know, for nostalgic purposes- just eating peanut butter & banana sandwiches and contemplating ways in which they can make themselves more irrelevant. Pope Benny, ever the cheerleader, encouragin' the team to "think outside the box!" If only they'd let me white board the ideas...

Friends, I grew up Catholic and I was pretty happy with the arrangement. Good songs, excellent costumes and overall, very high production values. I enjoyed it so much that while other kids were off playing football, I was busy stirring up the KoolAid and opening up bags of Ballreich potato chips in preparation for consecration during a little game I liked to call, Priest. Those were simpler times, times when all I had to worry about was saving enough money to buy those bitchin' Reebok pumps I had my eye on.

Since graduating college, I've become somewhat of a Easter/Christmas/Vesak Catholic. I began to view going to mass the way I looked at going the gym, I feel great after going, but I have to put up with a lot of people saying stupid shit to get the payoff. As I grew older, I grew more opinionated and less tolerant, combine this with archaic dogma and POOF! I'm sleeping in every Sunday. Where did it all go wrong for me?

Well, there's those pedophiles and the elaborate cover-ups. That was neat.

Last Christmas, as a Joyuex Noel gift to The Gays, Ratzi compared them to the Rainforest. Which should make them smiley and happy because the Rainforest is lush and beautiful and full of exotic creatures. That would make them happy if that's what he meant by that, but...he didn't. What he really he meant was that they needed to be saved from destruction by themselves, or like the rainforest, by other men -in those gay sex acts The Gays are known to participate in. Both these acts and the rainforest do involve wood so I guess the metaphor isn't entirely lost on me. Hey-yo!

But wait there's more!

Despite these rather negative stories, just this past week we got some great news! You know in high school (for the sake of this joke let's please assume that I was able to get some ass during this period. K? Thanks.) and it was getting all hot and heavy (just go along with it), and you were like, "hey babe, let's go all the way," and she was like, "no glove, no love. I'm not doing it without a condom; I don't want to get AIDS." Well, turns out that girl is not only a prude, she's stupid too! Condoms increase the likelihood of HIV/AIDS! Benny said so!

Yup, just this week Hitler Youth Troop Leader His Excellency, informed the people of Africa, on a plane to Africa -where over 22 million people are infected with HIV- that, “You can't resolve it (the AIDS crisis) with the distribution of condoms. On the contrary, it increases the problem.” You know what this means?

If

MORE AIDS=CONDOMS

and

CONDOMS=TROJAN, LIFESTYLES, DUREX

then

TROJAN,LIFESTYLES, DUREX=MORE AIDS; Let's burn down them rubber-makin' plants, Pa!

or

THE POPE HAS CRAP IN HIS HEAD. NO REALLY, ACTUAL POO.

Doesn't it just hurt your brain? I think the kids call it cognitive dissonance. I get it. If those folks in Africa would just stop doin' it, no more AIDS. You know what, you're probably right. But what say you we compliment this with education and tools to help the people who do have it not keep spreaaaaaadin' it around? How's that sound? Not completely fucking stupid? Super. That's what I was going for.

Now, I'm not going to quote Al Gore, because I don't really like Al Gore and I think I am the only person on the Eastern seaboard who thought An Inconvenient Truth was An Inconvenient Way to Spend a Friday Night, but this statement and this doctrine as whole does stand to be an assault on reason. When you are such a big guy with such a big (metaphorical) microphone, you have to be careful what you say into it. People are listening, make sure your words help them spiritually and use any left over bon mots to support the work of health care professionals there in the trenches. In fact, please put that down on the Papal White Board
. Thank you very much, your Cardinalliness.

Seriously though, if only I could weasel my way into those brainstorming sessions, dammit. After sussing out this current mess like I have just done here before your very eyes, I would move on to Issue #2: Cirque de Soleil eucharistic ministers. It's what the people want.

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