Sunday, March 15, 2009

America, Love It or Leave It: Colorado Edition

There are great things in this wonderful land!From the World's Largest Boll Weevil to The World's Largest Clam. Yes, it is a great land we live in. A great land indeed. Unfortunately, these things are in crap cities that no one ever wants to go to -which at the end of the day, is why this shitholes create this stuff in the first place.

Luckily for you and your reclusive lifestyle, I have created a new feature called America, Love It or Leave It. In it, I take you to various places that don't suck in the Union and provide you with the best they have to offer. You can then recount my travels to your online girlfriend,, and feel as though you actually did them. So, you're welcome for that.

Anyway, enough yippy yappy, let's hit the road!


To kick off this series, I wanted to start alphabetically but realized that the states of Alabama (white trash), Alaska (freaky issues with sunlight), Arizona (melanoma), Arkansas (more white trash) and California (douchebags & hippies) all suck to I decided to start with Colorado.

A little about the 303: Colorado, which is Spanish for "reddish color if you kinda squint at it," was our nation's 38th state. Few people know this but the state's original slogan was, "if you build it, they will come," but was changed in 1989 to "nothing without providence" because James Earl Jones like totally bogarted their motto, the fat jerk.

In any event, my trip to Colorado sparked a lot of interest among the locals and demand for public appearances was overwhelming. So much so that I felt the only way to be able to appease my adoring throngs was to hold a lecture at that most humble Colorado performance hall, Red Rocks.

However, when I released that the title of my lecture would be, "Coffee Coolata Colonics & You: Cleaning the Pipes with A Tasty Treat," ticket sales were, well...


Discouraged but not distressed, I decided to scrap the lecture and opt for lunch instead. Lunch was hosted by a delightful geologist who cheerily pointed out the finer points of the development of Colorado's unique rock formations. One of the most interesting of these formations was the glory hole.

I really did not know much about glory holes prior to my visit. Evidently, glory holes are a large and impressive excavations which are open to the surface. When "mining for gold" these glory holes can be used for both fun and profit. As we chatted further in depth I learned that glory holes can be quite large. So large in fact that you can fall into the glory hole! So one must really be careful around glory holes. One recent development is that in Colorado trash is being thrown into glory holes, and it's all getting messy. People should keep their trash out of these glory holes so that the glory holes remain clean and empty for everyone to enjoy.

The final stop on my tour de Colorado was a visit to the famous Fort Restaurant, site of 1997's Summit of The 8. The beautiful restaurant, nestled in the Colorado foothills, was gently serenaded by Native American Flutist, Eric "Many Winds" Herrera.

Now "Many Winds" was "good." But I said to him, "listen Chief, I like your moves, but do you know how to rock?" It was at this time that I brought out my xylophone (that I carry around for such occasions), and "Many Winds" and I did a thrilling rendition of "Knights in White Satin" which predictably left the joint in tears.

-And then I killed a buffalo and wore it as a hat, the end.

So that was Colorado. Check that state off your to-do list. Next up in the Love It or Leave It Series, Connecticut: Because you're entitled to it.

In honor of my namesake, I have decided to join Twitter, drink a lot of beer and recount every disappointment of my life in direct correlation to every Guinness I consume. You can follow me / the hysterical sadness on Twitter or here or or you can just look at that picture of a glory hole again for old times sake.

No comments:


Related Posts with Thumbnails