Monday, March 09, 2009

25 Things About Me, 25 Things About Me, 25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me...

Well congratulations America, you're all a bunch of losers!

Everyday, I turn on the TV and I learn how our economy is in the crapper and we may never come out for a decade or a century or the USA will simply implode upon the weight of it's own national debt. Then we're told we should save -no, invest! No spend! All this hullabaloo can really make the brain hurty.

Luckily, we are a nation completely unphased. You know why? Because we have Facebook, sucka! Yes, as all the news networks tout our imminent demise we can sit back and shake our heads in solemn respect as we learn that Clayton and Margo are no longer in a relationship. (I so thought they would last.)

I say this not because I think I'm better than you (yes, I do). I say this because as Martin Bashir would say, "it a sign of the times." To prove that I'm not so elitist as to separate myself from the mindless throngs wasting away as they interstalk their ex-girlfriends, I too will lower myself to participate in the basest most self-absorbed aspect of Facebook, 25 Things About Me.

Dear World, if I wanted to know 25 Things About You, I would spend time with you. The fact that I don't return your call is because I don't want to spend time with you. A=B and B=C, then A=C, you see? Anyway, that's enough math for one day. Here's your 25 Stinkin' Things About Me:

  1. I am very gassy. I think I should probably get it checked out at the doctor. I may have a problem. It may be that I am lactose intolerant, it may just mean I need to get on a regular BM schedule.
  2. I'm Batman.
  3. I can't relate to the song, "500 Miles," because I would never do such a thing.
  4. My sophomore year in college, I would black out frequently. I don't black out anymore thouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
  5. I hold the position of Superintentdent of Cheese.
  6. I hate it when you quote people. Stop doing that. You didn't "learn" that in school, you swiped it off an inspirational magnet at Papyrus, you dolt.
  7. In the 9th grade, my impressive "Phantom of the Opera" Halloween costume was destroyed when after opening an industrial strength can of KoolAid I sliced my finger open, just RUINING a perfectly good pair of opera gloves.
  8. I had the soles of my nice boots replaced the other day. It cost $48 which was far more than I expected to pay for a service that did not include a "happy ending."
  9. I am the tambourine player in the greatest fecking band you've never heard of yet. (Available for bar mitzvahs)
  10. In related news, I'm the guy who heard that song, you know the one you really like, (2) months before you did.
  11. I eat my lobster live. You know, to give the lobster a fair shake.
  12. In my new digs on the UES, I overheard a mother tell a 3 year old, "the repetition of of our conversation is really boring me." While some may think her a bitch, I respected her honesty as the kid was really pressing the "how are babies made" question.
  13. I had really hoped that I would have written (25) Things by now.
  14. I had (3) siblings. I sold the youngest for lunch money in the 3rd grade. I miss my brother, Steve, but not as much as I would have missed the memory of that delicious Lunchable.
  15. I think living green is for pussies/vegans.
  16. Sarah Palin got, "Drill Baby, Drill!" from a romantic encounter we shared in 1999. I've said too much.
  17. Why yes, I will have seconds on those collard greens, thank you.
  18. I would like you to come over and exfoliate my feet and then apply a gentle moisturizer. Nothing too expensive, it is going on my feet after all.
  19. Sean Penn made me cry in I AM SAM. Not because he was mentally handicapped, but because the coffee he made looked that good.
  20. When I hug you, I'm really stealing your life-force. Sorry about that.
  21. I have never peeked in your window to watch you change into something more comfortable. Honest.
  22. I wish my apartment had a fire pole, it would make it so much easier to escape the fires I keep setting in my apartment.
  23. I still don't think you realize how dangerous clowns really are.
  24. I want you to write your Congressman and let them know Gumption Day should be a national holiday.
  25. I think I might be falling for you.
...now let's never speak of this again.

A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA:
'Cause hey, sometimes your nuts is itchy.

1 comment:

Teanna said...

HAHAHAHAH Great, great site Patrick. Going in my Google Reader right about.... now.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails