Monday, March 30, 2009

Can I Get A Pope Hat?

DISCLAIMER:
Hey family member, yeah you, you know how I say things about religion & politics & crass sexuality that tend to tick you off and then you think to yourself that I'm probably going to spend eternity roasting on a demon-spit and you shake your head disapprovingly while luxuriating amongst puffy clouds as I become a crispy carcass. Yes? Well, this is one of those times so you may want to go read something else -like lookey here its a family that's big! Like the Octomom but less crazy and more mustachioed!


Welcome East Coast Sinners! WOWZERS! How about that Pope?

When I think about the Vatican, and I think about them constantly, I picture a bunch of gloriously robed fellas sitting around a big wooden table, a guy being tortured on the rack in the corner -you know, for nostalgic purposes- just eating peanut butter & banana sandwiches and contemplating ways in which they can make themselves more irrelevant. Pope Benny, ever the cheerleader, encouragin' the team to "think outside the box!" If only they'd let me white board the ideas...

Friends, I grew up Catholic and I was pretty happy with the arrangement. Good songs, excellent costumes and overall, very high production values. I enjoyed it so much that while other kids were off playing football, I was busy stirring up the KoolAid and opening up bags of Ballreich potato chips in preparation for consecration during a little game I liked to call, Priest. Those were simpler times, times when all I had to worry about was saving enough money to buy those bitchin' Reebok pumps I had my eye on.

Since graduating college, I've become somewhat of a Easter/Christmas/Vesak Catholic. I began to view going to mass the way I looked at going the gym, I feel great after going, but I have to put up with a lot of people saying stupid shit to get the payoff. As I grew older, I grew more opinionated and less tolerant, combine this with archaic dogma and POOF! I'm sleeping in every Sunday. Where did it all go wrong for me?

Well, there's those pedophiles and the elaborate cover-ups. That was neat.

Last Christmas, as a Joyuex Noel gift to The Gays, Ratzi compared them to the Rainforest. Which should make them smiley and happy because the Rainforest is lush and beautiful and full of exotic creatures. That would make them happy if that's what he meant by that, but...he didn't. What he really he meant was that they needed to be saved from destruction by themselves, or like the rainforest, by other men -in those gay sex acts The Gays are known to participate in. Both these acts and the rainforest do involve wood so I guess the metaphor isn't entirely lost on me. Hey-yo!

But wait there's more!

Despite these rather negative stories, just this past week we got some great news! You know in high school (for the sake of this joke let's please assume that I was able to get some ass during this period. K? Thanks.) and it was getting all hot and heavy (just go along with it), and you were like, "hey babe, let's go all the way," and she was like, "no glove, no love. I'm not doing it without a condom; I don't want to get AIDS." Well, turns out that girl is not only a prude, she's stupid too! Condoms increase the likelihood of HIV/AIDS! Benny said so!

Yup, just this week Hitler Youth Troop Leader His Excellency, informed the people of Africa, on a plane to Africa -where over 22 million people are infected with HIV- that, “You can't resolve it (the AIDS crisis) with the distribution of condoms. On the contrary, it increases the problem.” You know what this means?

If

MORE AIDS=CONDOMS

and

CONDOMS=TROJAN, LIFESTYLES, DUREX

then

TROJAN,LIFESTYLES, DUREX=MORE AIDS; Let's burn down them rubber-makin' plants, Pa!

or

THE POPE HAS CRAP IN HIS HEAD. NO REALLY, ACTUAL POO.

Doesn't it just hurt your brain? I think the kids call it cognitive dissonance. I get it. If those folks in Africa would just stop doin' it, no more AIDS. You know what, you're probably right. But what say you we compliment this with education and tools to help the people who do have it not keep spreaaaaaadin' it around? How's that sound? Not completely fucking stupid? Super. That's what I was going for.

Now, I'm not going to quote Al Gore, because I don't really like Al Gore and I think I am the only person on the Eastern seaboard who thought An Inconvenient Truth was An Inconvenient Way to Spend a Friday Night, but this statement and this doctrine as whole does stand to be an assault on reason. When you are such a big guy with such a big (metaphorical) microphone, you have to be careful what you say into it. People are listening, make sure your words help them spiritually and use any left over bon mots to support the work of health care professionals there in the trenches. In fact, please put that down on the Papal White Board
. Thank you very much, your Cardinalliness.

Seriously though, if only I could weasel my way into those brainstorming sessions, dammit. After sussing out this current mess like I have just done here before your very eyes, I would move on to Issue #2: Cirque de Soleil eucharistic ministers. It's what the people want.

Dog Ate My Blog

It's a coming...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

GWGG Will Not Talk About the Octomom

A Note To Our Readers:

Ladies and gentlemen, when Patrick started GWGG over (2) years ago -yes, hard to believe we have been pursuing Greatness that long- Patrick presented himself with this challenge: "Patrick, provide your readership with 26% fact, 47% dick & fart jokes, 19% good old fashioned elbow grease -all the while maintaining 123% journalistic integrity." Now, if you're a mathematician, which he is not, you would know that is well beyond 100%, but he's just that good.

This blog has served to break such hard hitting stories such as the stage hands' strike, the election and most recently overpaid dope fiends. Each story handled delicately, objectively and deliciously (I'm sorry, we just don't know any other words that end with "ily").

So when this Board hears of stories so disgusting, so obviously pandering, like the Octomom, and we won't even say Nadya Suleman's name because we don't want to give her anymore exposure, we must make the difficult decision not to write about this fucking nut clearly troubled woman.

No friends, we at GWGG will not discuss the kind of morally bankrupt person it must take to do this. We will not comment how selfish one must be to have (8) new children when you can't handle the (6) that you already have, and definitely will not comment on the fact that if Patrick -er, we- saw that disgusting belly while we were riding on the train we would, much like we do a smelly hobo, collectively vomit, move to the other end or disembark from the car entirely. These are things you will not read on this blog. Maybe somewhere else, but not here.

Additionally, we made the tough decision not to make a slide show of funny pictures we found chronicling her erratic behavior and wholly unmissable antics.



In this slide show we will not, under any circumstances:

  • Compare her to a dog having a litter of puppies delivered by a man wearing blue camo
  • Give you a sneak peek at next year's hottest Halloween costume
  • Show you images of her lookin' all crazy-eyed
  • Provide you with an unexplainable split screen shot of her with Larry Flynt
  • Delight in an excerpt of a 911 call which says so little and yet so much at the same time
  • Upload a hillllllllllarious cartoon outlining her unyielding pursuit of cash at the expense of these young 'uns
You may find that shit at TMZ, but don't come knockin' at my door, ya hear?

Finally, all you kids out there who love the YouTube, please know that we probably wouldn't spend (2) hours last night between 10:00pm and 12:00am EST, scouring the internets to find what we perceived to be the funniest or most cringeworthy video about this topic. Hypothetically speaking, if we were to do that the video we might select could be (2) 12 year old tools painfully rapping about how she spends all her loot on clothes. Again, just hypothetically, if we were to include something so tasteless, the video might look like this:



Our sincere hope is that you understand where we're coming from on this. Patrick worked so hard to to achieve and maintain this level of integrity so that you can begin your week with intellectual stimulation and not a commentary on this sad, tired topic. We cannot and will not shame this legacy.

Best regards,
The GWGG Editorial Board

Sunday, March 15, 2009

America, Love It or Leave It: Colorado Edition

There are great things in this wonderful land!From the World's Largest Boll Weevil to The World's Largest Clam. Yes, it is a great land we live in. A great land indeed. Unfortunately, these things are in crap cities that no one ever wants to go to -which at the end of the day, is why this shitholes create this stuff in the first place.

Luckily for you and your reclusive lifestyle, I have created a new feature called America, Love It or Leave It. In it, I take you to various places that don't suck in the Union and provide you with the best they have to offer. You can then recount my travels to your online girlfriend, nastyslut42@aol.com, and feel as though you actually did them. So, you're welcome for that.

Anyway, enough yippy yappy, let's hit the road!



COLORADO EDITION

To kick off this series, I wanted to start alphabetically but realized that the states of Alabama (white trash), Alaska (freaky issues with sunlight), Arizona (melanoma), Arkansas (more white trash) and California (douchebags & hippies) all suck to I decided to start with Colorado.

A little about the 303: Colorado, which is Spanish for "reddish color if you kinda squint at it," was our nation's 38th state. Few people know this but the state's original slogan was, "if you build it, they will come," but was changed in 1989 to "nothing without providence" because James Earl Jones like totally bogarted their motto, the fat jerk.

In any event, my trip to Colorado sparked a lot of interest among the locals and demand for public appearances was overwhelming. So much so that I felt the only way to be able to appease my adoring throngs was to hold a lecture at that most humble Colorado performance hall, Red Rocks.


However, when I released that the title of my lecture would be, "Coffee Coolata Colonics & You: Cleaning the Pipes with A Tasty Treat," ticket sales were, well...


...disappointing.

Discouraged but not distressed, I decided to scrap the lecture and opt for lunch instead. Lunch was hosted by a delightful geologist who cheerily pointed out the finer points of the development of Colorado's unique rock formations. One of the most interesting of these formations was the glory hole.


I really did not know much about glory holes prior to my visit. Evidently, glory holes are a large and impressive excavations which are open to the surface. When "mining for gold" these glory holes can be used for both fun and profit. As we chatted further in depth I learned that glory holes can be quite large. So large in fact that you can fall into the glory hole! So one must really be careful around glory holes. One recent development is that in Colorado trash is being thrown into glory holes, and it's all getting messy. People should keep their trash out of these glory holes so that the glory holes remain clean and empty for everyone to enjoy.

The final stop on my tour de Colorado was a visit to the famous Fort Restaurant, site of 1997's Summit of The 8. The beautiful restaurant, nestled in the Colorado foothills, was gently serenaded by Native American Flutist, Eric "Many Winds" Herrera.

Now "Many Winds" was "good." But I said to him, "listen Chief, I like your moves, but do you know how to rock?" It was at this time that I brought out my xylophone (that I carry around for such occasions), and "Many Winds" and I did a thrilling rendition of "Knights in White Satin" which predictably left the joint in tears.

-And then I killed a buffalo and wore it as a hat, the end.


So that was Colorado. Check that state off your to-do list. Next up in the Love It or Leave It Series, Connecticut: Because you're entitled to it.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK's DAY!
In honor of my namesake, I have decided to join Twitter, drink a lot of beer and recount every disappointment of my life in direct correlation to every Guinness I consume. You can follow me / the hysterical sadness on Twitter or here or www.twitter.com/PatrickGarrigan or you can just look at that picture of a glory hole again for old times sake.

Monday, March 09, 2009

25 Things About Me, 25 Things About Me, 25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me,25 Things About Me...

Well congratulations America, you're all a bunch of losers!

Everyday, I turn on the TV and I learn how our economy is in the crapper and we may never come out for a decade or a century or the USA will simply implode upon the weight of it's own national debt. Then we're told we should save -no, invest! No spend! All this hullabaloo can really make the brain hurty.

Luckily, we are a nation completely unphased. You know why? Because we have Facebook, sucka! Yes, as all the news networks tout our imminent demise we can sit back and shake our heads in solemn respect as we learn that Clayton and Margo are no longer in a relationship. (I so thought they would last.)

I say this not because I think I'm better than you (yes, I do). I say this because as Martin Bashir would say, "it a sign of the times." To prove that I'm not so elitist as to separate myself from the mindless throngs wasting away as they interstalk their ex-girlfriends, I too will lower myself to participate in the basest most self-absorbed aspect of Facebook, 25 Things About Me.

Dear World, if I wanted to know 25 Things About You, I would spend time with you. The fact that I don't return your call is because I don't want to spend time with you. A=B and B=C, then A=C, you see? Anyway, that's enough math for one day. Here's your 25 Stinkin' Things About Me:

  1. I am very gassy. I think I should probably get it checked out at the doctor. I may have a problem. It may be that I am lactose intolerant, it may just mean I need to get on a regular BM schedule.
  2. I'm Batman.
  3. I can't relate to the song, "500 Miles," because I would never do such a thing.
  4. My sophomore year in college, I would black out frequently. I don't black out anymore thouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
  5. I hold the position of Superintentdent of Cheese.
  6. I hate it when you quote people. Stop doing that. You didn't "learn" that in school, you swiped it off an inspirational magnet at Papyrus, you dolt.
  7. In the 9th grade, my impressive "Phantom of the Opera" Halloween costume was destroyed when after opening an industrial strength can of KoolAid I sliced my finger open, just RUINING a perfectly good pair of opera gloves.
  8. I had the soles of my nice boots replaced the other day. It cost $48 which was far more than I expected to pay for a service that did not include a "happy ending."
  9. I am the tambourine player in the greatest fecking band you've never heard of yet. (Available for bar mitzvahs)
  10. In related news, I'm the guy who heard that song, you know the one you really like, (2) months before you did.
  11. I eat my lobster live. You know, to give the lobster a fair shake.
  12. In my new digs on the UES, I overheard a mother tell a 3 year old, "the repetition of of our conversation is really boring me." While some may think her a bitch, I respected her honesty as the kid was really pressing the "how are babies made" question.
  13. I had really hoped that I would have written (25) Things by now.
  14. I had (3) siblings. I sold the youngest for lunch money in the 3rd grade. I miss my brother, Steve, but not as much as I would have missed the memory of that delicious Lunchable.
  15. I think living green is for pussies/vegans.
  16. Sarah Palin got, "Drill Baby, Drill!" from a romantic encounter we shared in 1999. I've said too much.
  17. Why yes, I will have seconds on those collard greens, thank you.
  18. I would like you to come over and exfoliate my feet and then apply a gentle moisturizer. Nothing too expensive, it is going on my feet after all.
  19. Sean Penn made me cry in I AM SAM. Not because he was mentally handicapped, but because the coffee he made looked that good.
  20. When I hug you, I'm really stealing your life-force. Sorry about that.
  21. I have never peeked in your window to watch you change into something more comfortable. Honest.
  22. I wish my apartment had a fire pole, it would make it so much easier to escape the fires I keep setting in my apartment.
  23. I still don't think you realize how dangerous clowns really are.
  24. I want you to write your Congressman and let them know Gumption Day should be a national holiday.
  25. I think I might be falling for you.
...now let's never speak of this again.

A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA:
'Cause hey, sometimes your nuts is itchy.

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