Monday, February 09, 2009

Winged Death OR Sully Hates Your Childhood Memories

This just in!

The National Audubon Society and GWGG agree, Captain Chelsey B Sullenberger III is a dick.

In these rough economic times, we are left with so little. Our jobs? No. Our homes? Nay. Our monthly allowance for granny panty bedazzling supplies?Uhhhh. I. Don't. Think. So.

This puts America and Greatness-at-large in a rough position, a position where we grasp with a white knuckle death grip on to that inescapable asset , our memories.

Now most of my memories are pretty shitty because I had the unique distinction of being the only 2nd grader with a meth habit, but what I can salvage or steal from South Dakota Board of Tourism ads and rehab perfect attendance awards, I know two things: My dad and I were both Hispanic until about 1993 -it was a just a phase- and I used to just love birdwatching!

But those Main Stream Media types, the same ones who tried to take the "CHRIST" out of "CHRISTmas" and the "CLOWNS" out of "holyfuckingshitrunitsCLOWNS!" someone doesn't want us to have our precious memories. Who would try to steal our memories, you ask? Dream burglar, American "Hero" & fowl sadist, Captain Chelsey B Sullenberger III that's who!

As most of you had read on the internets, January 15th, US Airways Flight 1549 was landed in the Hudson, and there were zero human casualties.These are facts. I sent carrier pigeons out to confirm this.

What you won't hear from these news outlets, hell-bent on craming the the feel good story of the year down our throats, is the tale of feathered carnage at the hands of this aerial assassin. How do I know? Well, let's just say a little birdie told me.

Despite my strongly worded letter writing campaign, and partnership with Local 59, The Carrier Pigeon Union's messy Shit-In, no one seems to take notice. I thought my cries would fall victim to US Airways unforgiving PR Machine.

That was until professional softball tosser hard-hitting journalist Katie "Cutie" Couric, set Sully -if that is his real name (it's not)- squarely in her sights on tonight's episode of 60 Minutes.

"Sully, why did you fuck up those birds?" Couric began.

"Well, it was a normal climb out in every regard. And about 90 seconds after takeoff, I noticed there were birds, gently floating on the cool Hudson air, and a blind rage came over me. I found myself chanting, 'Fuck you, birds! You think your better than me, birds? You're not! I have a plane, a big plane, birds!'" Sullenberger recalled.

Asked by Couric at what point he realized he had successful initiated a bird strike, he said, "Oh, you could hear them, as soon as they did. Loud thumps. I was so giddy that I pinched my nipples painfully hard. It felt like the airplane being pelted by heavy rain or hail. It sounded like the worst thunderstorm I'd ever heard growing up in Texas. This made me think of the delicious BBQ Pappy used to make, and then I asked the steward to get me a rack of ribs and some hot, moist cornbread. It was delicious. "

"When did you realize that these birds had seriously damaged the aircraft?" Couric asked.

"When I felt, heard and smelled the evidence of them going into the engines. I heard the noises. I felt the engine vibrations, of the damage being done to the engines. It reminded me of the time I strangled a hooker in St. Louis. Positively euphoric. This was different though. That was a sleep crime, so it didn't really count. This time I really just wanted to grind up some of those uppity birds! Hoo-rah!" he said.

So like I said, Chelsey is a dick. The next time you go to (the official travel site of Patrick Garrigan, which usually just redirects to, but whatever), be a responsibile shopper. Think of the magpies, mallards and Mom*. Would she want you to support people who kill birds with airplanes and land them in some flashy, dickflick-style belly landing? NO! She'd just want you to give her a call once a week. I mean, really? Is that too much to ask?

*Happy Birthday Mom & Dad

1 comment:

Hector said...

To add insult to injury, the news found it necessary to show a photo of a burned up feather that came from one of the engines...or a KFC. Not sure which. What's good for the goose is good for the propagander.



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