Monday, February 16, 2009

Baseball is a Sham, So Let's Make It Sham-tastic!


You won't like baseball fans when they're aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnngggggggggrrrrrrrrryyyy!

Yes, sports fans this week we learned that the greatest player swinging a piece of timber these days was on the juice -at least back in 2003. Now, the fanatics and legislators are shaking their heads in disapproval and disappointment. To which I reply, shut the fuck up.

I mean really people. This happens like every six months (Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco and a host of other too big to be real people, people) and every time you idiots issue statements of condemnation and surprise. We know this is going on, so I say instead of acting all holier than thou, we take a page out of Professional Wrestling -who already knows their sport is a fraud- and use this as an opportunity to make what is really a slow-moving, boring game fun!

Here are my initial (5) rule changes:

  1. Runners are allowed to use breakaway chairs to hit the heads of 2nd and 3rd base defensive players. No penalty will be incurred if this results in the gain of the base. If that does not occur, a sudden death thumb war between the offended and offending parties will take place to settle the dispute.
  2. In the outfield, the warning track will be replaced with a moat that is filled with (3) robotic dragons. If the dragon kills the outfielder, the at bat team will get the point. If the outfielder kills the dragon he gets the point and a mutton feast at the closest Medieval Times in the region.
  3. Pinstripe uniforms are nice. However in new baseball, the players will be encouraged to adopt an alter ego and create a uniform that fits that alter ego. All manners of accessories are permitted -except Chinese stars, those things are dangerous.
  4. At home plate there will always be a hanging microphone next to the umpire. This microphone will be dedicated to "calling out" members of the opposing team / making disparaging remarks about their mothers.
  5. In the event the umpire tries to interfere with player-on-player pile drivers, helicopters or Bavarian skull crushers, these players may exercise their prerogative to body-slam the umpire as well.

SPECIAL BONUS RULE:


Chyna, Commissioner of Baseball

3 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

How you find ideas for articles, I am always lack of new ideas for articles. Some tips would be great

Greatness With Garrigan Gumption said...

Hey There!

Coming up with new ideas can be difficult. Sometimes -heck, most times- they aren't entirely new, it's just bringing your unique perspective to it. What in the world makes you laugh or outrages you? From there, see what you can add. Funny, interesting things happen every day. Just a matter of noting them as noteworthy. :)

Hope this helps and keep striving for Greatness.

Best,
PG

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