Monday, February 02, 2009

Alright, Fess Up, Who Broke Into My Apartment?

Alright, alright very funny. Which one of you numbnuts stole my XBOX 360?

What am I referring to? Oh please, don't pretend like you don't know...

Last Thursday night as I was "sharing my gift" at the World Famous Big Night Out: The Songs of Hectors Coris, in a hilarious bit of hijinks, one of you jokesters out there snuck into my apartment and "borrowed" my XBOX. Now, just like Sherlock Holmes, I'm trying to use my sleuthing skills to figure out which one of you did it!

Clue #1: The clandestine criminal used a screw driver to bust the latch on my window. So they must be crafty. Maybe one of you Extreme Home Makeover junkies out there?

Clue #2: The also stole about $5 in pennies, nickels and dimes from my dresser, which leads me to believe they had to do laundry -don't forget to pre-soak those Hershey marks, you dirty so and so.

Clue#3: They took my new cufflinks. This provides me a pivotal piece of information: the criminal wears French cuffs. And as we all know, the only people who wear French cuffs are characters on Mad Men (The Official Favorite TeeVee Program About 1960's Ad Execs of Patrick Garrigan) and Vietnamese pimps, and that morsel drastically cuts down on my list of suspects as I don't know anyone on Mad Men. Asian pimps? Well, that's another story.

Clue #4: The respectful gentlemen at the NYPD Evidence Collection Unit could not recover any fingerprints, which means the culprit doesn't have hands.

Clue #5: They borrowed my nice Swiss Army backpack to carry the stuff right out the front door. Which tells me they kinda wanted me to catch them in the hallway in one of those hilarious "Ha, ha, ha! Look! I tried to steal your XBOX, change, and backpack" moments you always see in those situational comedies everyone's so fond of (or, you know, it's the little shit who lives below me on the second floor did it).

So, all day Friday it was just driving me crazy! Which one of my good friends, would pull such an insanely funny prank. While I was at Home Depot have a steel pipe custom cut to make it impossible for any other mischief-makers to ford my winder, I racked my brain but simply could not figure it out!
When I arrived home I discovered my friendly, neighborhood coke dealer doing a deal in my apartment vestibule. I gave him one of those quizzical looks, sizing him up to see if he'd done that dirty little deed. You know, like you do when you played Heads Up, 7 Up in elementary school. He just shook his head. To which I replied, "get the fuck out!"

It was it this point that he hilariously spewed out some folksy neighborhood banter. Something along the lines of quote, "do you know who I am? I'm going to fuck you up. I live next door." Just some really funny, funny stuff.

Today is Monday and I still don't know which one of you rascally Gumptioneers pulled the heist. This will one day, no doubt, end up in one of those hilarious hidden camera shows. In the meantime, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get busy starting a Facebook group to raise money to buy me a new XBOX 360. Give generously and happy Monday!

I am looking for a new 2-bedroom apartment immediately in the Astoria / UWS /UES /Hell's Kitchen area for a move-in around February 22nd-ish or earlier. If you hear of anything, do be a dear and drop daddy a line, won't you?

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