Sunday, February 22, 2009

Adieu Astoria


Yes friends, I've decided to part my hair down the center, grab my gay mover friends Rick & Todd, some prostitute from 21st street, steal a car and get the fuck out of Queens!

As you regular readers may recall, a few weeks ago GWGG's World Headquarters in Astoria, Queens was broken into, which caused me to pick a fight with drug dealers, and then squirrel myself away in an underground bunker for fear of retribution. Well it is with a heavy heart, an itchy foot and a colon full of poo that I announce that the Cherry Fudge Ripple ice cream I ate during the Oscars is giving me the worst gas ever.

With this announcement also comes the revelation that as of March 1st I will be relocating the World Headquarters and our cast of thousands (with the exception of Keith who's just been playing brick breaker for the past (3) months when he should have been researching funny blog topics) back to Manhattan. You see, we're movin' on up...





...to the East Side! You heard it here first! After sharing the gift that keeps on giving (Greatness) with theatre trash and assorted Greeks, I have decided it is time to let my light shine on the Upper East Side, a place that doesn't have the inherent Greatness Astoria does. It is just time that I direct my energies to that place where slutty tops and popped collars may be a little more prevalent -a place where my skills are needed.

Admittedly, there are a lot of things that I will miss in Astoria after having spent the past 1.5 years here. Namely, those delicious snack sticks at 7-11, wet kisses from Sondra and leaving my wildly profitable jackalope taxidermy business. Such is life, I suppose.

The decision was not arrived at easily, but here's the deal: IT HAS A SPIRAL STAIRCASE!!! Deep down getting this duplex with free spiral staircase built in kinda sorta makes up for the fact that I never got a race car bed as a kid. In Queens I had tried to correct this fact by unsuccessfully duct taping flood lamps to the foot of my bed. No more! This swirly set of stairs makes my sub-par childhood alright! Hooray! For more hoorays you can see what the joint looks like below. I encourage you to enjoy the following pictures. While you're not invited over, my hope is that you can vicariously life through the fact that my apartment / manners / life is/are soo much better than yours. Girl, you know it's true. Well here, just look!


Crazy checker bathroom, spiral staircase and outdoor terrace you ask? Yes, now stop staring at my new apartment, you're giving me the creeps.

A lot of people say, hey there isn't anything on the Upper East Side, but I say naaaaaaaaay. Here's just a few of the places that you will find me in my new hood:

In Queens, all I had was Archie Bunker-type sinaglongs where I dressed my roomate / Guy Friday, Joey up as Edith and we sat around the Yamaha singing, "Those Were the Days." Well, no more. Now that my favorite piano bar, Brandy's, is around the corner you can now find me there Thursdays through Sunday nights. If you're curious how you might spot me, I will be the one sprawled out on the piano top, sobbing singing "Send in the Clowns."


Ye olde Astoria may have had a Panera and a Pizzeria Uno (which I never went to), but the one thing it did not have was a Barnes & Noble. Now I know what you're thinking, "Patrick you can't read." True. Failed public edukation system aside, if it is a breezy Saturday or Sunday afternoon and you're wondering just where is that little Greatness-Rocket (my nickname for myself) you love so much, you can find me at Barnes & Noble -spilling Starbucks Coffee on sudoku puzzle books, waiting in line for Judy Blume to sign my copy of "SuperFudge" and making literary recommendations.

Lastly, as some of you have said to me at meet & greets when I started to float the idea of moving to the UES, "Nooo! Patrick I may never see you again." That is correct and entirely the point. You see for far too long, I've let the shackles of Commonerhood chain me down! Well no more. From now on, if the locations carefully typed in my evites don't include the words, "Mansion," "Penthouse," or "Undisclosed Location" I simply will not attend, for I have moved on up, to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

In closing let me say, I have truly enjoyed living in Queens. I will never forget the street meat, pub crawls, and the creepy strip mall feeling of Steinway. That is unless I suffer an amnesia-inducing head trauma. Then I might forget.

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