Sunday, December 14, 2008

Tightening Santa's Belt


Has it been an awesome year or what??? Gas prices have gone up and down like Richard Simmons at a truck stop, (2) kick ass wars, and now we're in an official recession! Fucking sweet! Fortunately, none of this has effected me as I don't have a car, the military said I was too fey to join, and sales of my book (which coincidentally makes the perfect holiday gift for your loved ones this holiday season) and wise investments in cardboard boxes/single occupancy homes have wholly insulated me from the tumultuous peaks and valleys of our unstable economy.

Despite my good fortune, I am not in touch out of touch with the common man. To prove, it I use phrases like "reckon," "fried mayo balls," and "No, you can't have a sample of my DNA, Maury." Beyond these more superficial gestures though, I've decided to use this week to help people who may not be in the fortunate position that I find myself by providing a few helpful pointers to help you, the pauper, get the most out of this holiday season, and start the New Year a healthier, happier you!

A Gift That Keeps on Giving.

This year forget the Wii Fit or Elmo Live or Havoc Helis. No, this year show your family you care by arming them to the teeth. Nothing says, "oh, I'ma gonna get me my money when there's a run on the bank." quite like the warmth from the of a freshly fired Smith & Wesson.

We've all seen that holiday classic "It's a Wonderful Life." Learn from George & Mary Bailey -don't let the complete and utter collapse of our financial infrastructure ruin your honeymoon! So this season put large, barely legal guns under your Christmas trees, present them on all (8) days of Hanukkah, give them whenever you give shit to each other during Kwanzaa -your families lives might just depend on it.

Heating Bill Woes?

Did you get your heating bill this month and think to yourself, "I sure am glad I have (2) desirable kidneys?" Me too. If I had a heating bill, which I don't. Nevertheless, I understand your plight as it is the same feeling I have when I get my cable bill for On Demand porn. The cure for both of our problems: loiter more.

Yes friends, learn what our indigent friends have known for decades. Staying warm with out spending a dime is a simple matter of staking claim to a public-private place until that place closes! So turn off your heat, grab your laptop and head to your local Starbucks.

Here, you can bask in perceived importance as you play brick breaker and finally write that feel good screenplay about Phil the one legged unicyclist (poster tagline: "Phil: One Foot, Countless Possibilities") -all the while saving you money you will undoubtedly blow on artisan beers and arugula salads, you douchebag.

It's Your Money, Not Theirs

You know what eats up a lot of people's year end money? Charitable contributions. Ew. Let's think about this. Every year, you give money to some deserving organization, and how do they thank you? By sending you a year of direct mail assaults ASKING FOR MORE MONEY! The nerve.

Luckily, I have a solution that will give you that warm, fuzzy feeling while keeping you wallet chock full of dolla dolla bills, y'all! Go to your local Dollar Tree, Big Lots, or rich persons garbage can and get the most expensive stationary you can find for under $1.50. After purchasing some classy correspondence it's time to get to do some role playing -this time without the policewoman uniform. Hey-yo!

Imagine you are a well educated, underpaid development assistant for some non-profit or do good organization and write yourself a cornucopia of flowery thank you notes on behalf of these groups. Don't forget to use loopy script and include phrases like "sizable contribution," "staggeringly generous" and "we look to name a wing after you, " in your letters for maximum effect.

When people ask about all the thank you cards, and they will, reply "every year it's like passing a kidney stone, but it's so worth it." Then sigh humbly before resuming your conversation.

So that's that! I hope I made your holidays better! If so send me a big, gushy letter I'll set it next to the others. And tune in next week for the 3rd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial. Get into it!


20th Annual New York Cares Coat Drive. As in past years, I’m collecting coats for New York’s needy. So if you live in the (5) boroughs of NYC and have a new or gently used winter coat that you would like to contribute, please drop me a line @ and I will be happy to make arrangements to swing by and pick those up from you! Best part? FREE HUGS!

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