Monday, December 22, 2008

Snarkiness Foiled Again


This post is usually the post most of you look forward to all year. The 3rd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial. The time of year where I rope some poor bastard into following me around while I try to appear less creepy than normal as I angle to capture tourists doing stupid / cringeworthy /commendable activities. Every year I too am filled with this anticipation. Will I capture some one wetting themselves? Will someone be eating a Chiptole while wearing a Statue of Liberty hat? A Southern Senator getting a handjob in the Ramble, perhaps? You just never know.

However, on this year something was different. As I rose, I woke to the pitter pat of little raindrops. "Sure am glad I have that Power Rangers rain pancho," I nodded with a smile as I contemplated whether or not Condi's forehead might declare war on the rest of her face.

After getting dressed, I grabbed my Cannon Powershot (the official camera of Patrick Garrigan) and prepared for hilarity. My iPod, that staple of passive aggressive New York isolationism, had been left at my desk. I guess I would just have to just listen to what's happening around me I thought as a shudder shook my frame.

On my way to the train, I encountered an old lady struggling with her shopping cart on the white ice (or "whice" as it's known in some ciricles). Guess what I did then? You'll probably guess steal all the protein out of her cart to fuel my ever growing biceps -but you would be dead wrong! I helped her across the street! No, really I did that. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, when she made is safely to cleared sidewalk I said, "Happy Holidays!" Happy Holidays?! I was covered in sentimentality, it smelled like a apple cinnamon Glade plug-in, and I did not like it.

No sooner did I enter the epicenter of clumbsy, tense awkwardness that is Times Square and bring my camera to my eye, wouldn't you know it, my battery died. Too lazy / cheap to go buy a new battery, I just walked around, and thought to myself, "the city is so much different without my headphones on."

What struck me then was the calm. When I headed out of my house that morning, I expected nothing but hustle, bustle and distinct overtones of absolute panic. I didn't find that at all. The mood was content and helpful(?) Strangers talking to each other. New Yorkers giving directions without a hint of irony. It was, dare I say, picturesque.




Winter agrees with New York, and even snarkiness can take a holiday. ...for now.

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EDITORIAL: Never fear, the Holiday Tourist Pictorial is not dead. Tourists look like TOTAL ASSHOLES during New Years! Hooray! Details to follow.

1 comment:

Ashley said...

Because I am bored...I was perusing your "top topics". Topics that you write about most often include: Ego, Musicals and Politics.

This did not come as a surprise to me =)

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