Sunday, October 05, 2008

Ben Folds Got Me Thinking...

Hey Friends,

This is Ben Folds playing at Terminal 5 this past Wednesday:

This is me watching Ben Folds playing at Terminal 5 this past Wednesday:

I lay it out this way because most people think I make up everything that is posted here. In truth, I make up only 75% of what is posted here. This leaves 25% of stuff that very well may be true. These photographs prove that I was at least there. Or bribed a security guard enough to let me take a picture, and that's got to count for something, right?

You probably assume that here I will be posting a review of the show. Well don't, it makes an ASS out of U and ME, but mostly you. No, on this day, we focus on one specific element, fake stuff.

You see, in the lead up to the release of his new album, "Way to Normal," Folds 'N Friends created a deviously sneaky FAKE ALBUM THAT HE LEAKED TO THE INTERNETS HIMSELF. Oh, that irreverent Ben Folds with his tantalizing trickery....

This got me thinking. Why shouldn't I leak a FAKE blog post about Unicorns prior to the release of my REAL blog post about Unicorns. I'm at least as famous as Ben Folds. So here it comes, your Unicorn posts. But which one is THE REAL UNICORN POST? You tell me.

Friends, I love sleeping. I really do. I love putting on my sleeping cap (pictured), hopping into my muscle t and sleeping thong, and sliding into my racecar bed. I can only think of a handful of things I love more than sleeping and only (2) of those things don't involve tittays, so that's saying something. I don't know what exactly, but something. After closer examination of what I loved about sleeping, I realized it isn't necessarily the sleeping, as it is the dreaming that I love.

In my most recent dreamings, I dreamt of Unicorns. While I don't remember the content of the dream, that is to say the narrative, characters or any real details, there were Unicorns there and I was so pleased. Unicorns are so relaxing and majestic. What with their flowing manes, coats as white as the driven snow, and lethal head-horn. I want a head-horn!

Upon rising from my slumber, I decided I want to be perpetually surrounded by Unicorns!!! So I took to the internets to track down the finest in Unicorn prints that would cover every square inch of my bedroom (for good feng shui). Below, you'll find a few contenders. Let's take a look-see, yes?

As a history buff, this one is a personal favorite of mine as it documents the Great Bear-Unicorn Conflict of 1812. While commonly overshadowed by the War of 1812, this poster documents the bloodshed that occurred when the Indians sold British-built cannons to the Bears which resulted in mass Unicorn casualties and ultimately led to the Boston Tea Party, I think.

I think this poster would be good for my room. Especially because it speaks to the ladies who come over. It says to them, "Hey Ladies, I will erotically nuzzle your neck, prior to hopping on my hindquarters in an unwanted attempt to make sweet, sweet love to you, and it will be hot -if I don't accidentally impale you on my head-horn." And basically, that's the message I want to send.

Okay, this one I really like too because of the colors and again, the majesty. The problem is the magical electricity at the tip of their horns. I once had a glow in the dark Yoda bulletin board that used to scare the shit out of me. If that scared me, lean, fighting magical creatures with sparking horns of death will likely result in "incontinence issues."

This piece is top of my list right now. Far and away my favorite. I don't know if it is the frolicking, the rainbow, or the excellent use of color. This one just speaks to me. It makes me want to have a cosmo, get a mani-pedi, and look into the big, beautiful eyes of that handsome beast. But that's just me.

This one was an inital favorite, I entitled it, "New England Unicorn." All I need is a clam bake and it screams, Unicorns at Martha's Vineyard. Unfortunately, the colors clashed with my ceiling to floor print of the Footprints poem.

Which poster did I pick? Well, I guess you'll just have to come over and find out. MEOW.

So the other night, I was sleeping oh, so soundly with a nice lady in a headlock, as I'm known to do and I had the most vivid dreams about Unicorns and this high-pitched kid named Shannon. When I woke up the nice lady told me to "get the hell off her lap," because I made her legs fall asleep. You know, after the wonderful dreams I had I really didn't care for her tone. Not one bit.

More upsetting than her tone, was the fact that I suddenly could no longer enjoy the tales of the lovable Unicorns frolicking and enjoying hijinks. Harumph.

I was crushed. Never ever again get to enjoy the magic of the Unicorns again -until one day as I surfed on the YouTubes and discovered that these very dreams were available on the internets, and my heart was filled with joy!

This was the first dream and it was magical. As I dreamt further on the lady's lap, many of my Unicorn dreams reflected things that were happening in real life, like fall coming and soon Christmas!

Unicorns on the YouTubes. A Christmas miracle indeed! HEYYYYY!

So which one was the REAL UNICORN POST? They both were, I love Unicorns. Weeeeeee!

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