Saturday, October 25, 2008

GWGG Endorses...

Please press PLAY:



Yeah, that's my jam. I am going to make a pronouncement, and I feel like a pronouncement needs a good anthem. Wouldn't you agree? Of course you would, I know how you feel about anthems.

Ladies and Gentlemen, here at this monument to self-importance we like to call Greatness With Garrigan Gumption, I have made strident efforts to curb the impulse to place my own political views here out on the internets, because frankly, they're just not very funny. Well, I think abortion is hilarious, but no one else seems to agree. You can't win them all, I reckon.

I, like most of the country, am a radical moderate. Middle of the road. To folks back in Ohio I'm a liberal heathen. To my New York crowd, a heartbeat away from becoming a Republican. Maybe it's my contrarian nature, but I like that. I believe in a strong military. I believe in personal responsibility. I believe in social freedom. I believe that I have been blessed to be born in this country and I should have to pay my fair share. In other news, I believe in the deliciousness of Cinnabon.

Because of this duality, I've watched the run-up to the election like a hawk. A wildly attractive, sadly talonless hawk. In so doing, I tried to give both candidates a genuinely fair shake.

The Endorsement

After careful review, and (unanswered) requests to both candidates for a gift bag and Cabinet-level position, Greatness With Garrigan Gumption endorses:



Throughout the early season, I watched with glee as candidates ran the campaign gauntlet. Mostly, because it allowed me the opportunity to post pictures like these:

When Hillary was knocked out, I was one of the scorned 18 million who considered McCain an option. McCain's stances, choices, and words made this a very short honeymoon.

All the big ticket items, left me sad faced.

Iraq: Stay until we're done. As someone with family members currently in Iraq, that's not a plan. At this point, 'should we have gone to Iraq' is academic to me, what we're going to do now is the question. I am one who will concede that the surge has worked, but this success by our talented military is moot if it doesn't forge a path to getting family safely home.

Economy: “The issue of economics is something that I’ve really never understood as well as I should.” -John McCain (Boston Globe, 12/18/07). Holy shit! I don't really understand the economy either but I'm not running for President.

Health Care: Opposes universal health care. Now, I'm not advocating a socialist state. (Unless it means we get to return to those cool, vintage red propaganda posters, 'cause I would really like one of those framed over my couch to compliment the one I have of a monkey drinking vodka RIGHT OUT OF THE BOTTLE. Silly monkey....) But as someone who spent years with sporadic or non-existent health insurance, the lack of options is terrorizing. To write it off as a non-issue or offer a piddly tax credit ain't the answer when so many people are in this same position.

The final straw came with the announcement of Sarah Palin as his V.P. pick. If I am to be honest, it is a fact that I want to lay her down on a bed of roses, for tonight I sleep on a bed on nails. I want to be just as close as the holy ghost is, and lay her down on bed of roses. That aside, her nomination is an insult to the ticket and the GOP loyal. It's particularly insulting to moderate Republicans such as Tom Ridge, Christine Todd Whitman, and (for the closeted gay vote), Charlie Crist who would have been qualified, effective choices to sway Independents.

Oh, and if she says maverick one more time, I'm going to gouge out my eyes.

Overall, the tone of McCain's campaign has been angry and divisive. We've had that for the past (8) years and my ears hurt.

Which brings me to why I've come to Team Obama.


I LOVE CLADDAGH RINGS! I believe we deserve better.

In 2000, when W. was elected, I was like, "eh, that sucks." In 2004, my response was, "you've got to be fucking kidding me." Since then I've been hoping for a day when things would be better. I see the promise of that in Obama.

I want a country where by the time I have kids, I won't have to sell my remaining kidney (the other was taken from me during a stint in Mexico City), to allow my kids the opportunity to go to college. A country where when I inevitably contract some exotic disease, I won't have to file for bankruptcy to pay the bills. A country which is again respected in the world and not a punchline to a joke about arrogance and ignorance. I see the promise of that in Obama.

There have been numerous assaults to stir up fear and resentment. He's an Arab terrorist. He's a socialist. And my personal favorite, he's too smart. I want my President to be smarter than me. One time I made out with a girl I didn't know at Blockheads because she said she liked my pecs. Prideful, not smart. We currently have a President who would make a choice like that, and he's a crap President.

The thing is there are more things that unite us than divide us. To my more conservative friends, I may not share your views on social wedge issues -but on the big things- the things that directly affect your day to day life, I'll bet we're not too far apart? In fact, I bet we would have a delightful dinner if we were given the opportunity, and you picked up the check. While open minded, I'm also very cheap.


I make jokes here, but seriously think about where we are right now. Is this where you want to be? If so, I think that aligning yourself with McCain is a good play. Under his leadership -and I say this with genuine respect for the man- the next (4) years will be a continuation of where we are. I don't think most people would say this is where they want to be.

I passionately believe the right vote for this country is Barack Obama.

Regardless of where you are in the spectrum, I strongly encourage you to vote. If you are Obama leaning, vote November 4th. If McCain leaning, remember your voting day is November 5th. I kid. I kid....


Beyond that, what else you can do? Can you donate time to make calls? (IF SO, CLICK HERE). No time? Can you spare $15 (c'mon that's 2 beers, you alchy...)? (IF SO, CLICK HERE)

This is really important and will make a difference. With 8 days remaining, a whole lot can happen between now and Tuesday.

We stand at the precipice. Please don't make me jump off it.

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[PLEASE CLICK HERE TO READ THE POSITION PAPERS -BarackObama.com]

Sunday, October 19, 2008

C'est ne post pas

Bonjour!

Le visage vous voyez à votre gauche l'est-ce que visage souriant est votre vraiment en faisant ses débuts le Tour international de l'extrêmement réussi "Quel est le Point ?!" à Montréal.

Beaucoup d'entre vous demandent sans doute ce qui entre dans un Tour international. La réponse : beaucoup. Là répète, il y a des visas qui doivent être obtenus, il y a des machinistes d'un groupe rock en tournée qui doivent être loués, il y a 4 et les hôtels de 5 étoiles qui doivent être réservés - on me dit.

L'est le tour n'était pas différent sauf étaient allaient juste au Canada, tous nos supports y correspondent ces gens de chinois de sacs portent autour d'et nous sommes restés dans un charmant, B*B encore abordable.

Les voyages peuvent dans le monde entier avoir c'est le propre ensemble des considérations et des questions : "puis-je ouvertement demander aux prostituées le sexe ?" "Comment m'occupe-je du fait que je suis du lactose intolérant dans un pays où tout est servi avec cheese ?" Finalement, la question chaque fois que l'on va à un pays parlant français, "fait j'ai à l'annonce ooh, la la à la fin de chaque expression ? "(vous faites).

J'ai pris toutes ces peurs et incertitudes dans le pas comme j'ai avancé à nos Voisins au Nord.

Sur notre arrivée il était évident qu'il y ait beaucoup d'anticipation entourant notre visite. Chaque où nous sommes allés des posters vantant les mérites du fracas la Révision de Comédie de New York a été plâtrée. Les foules d'adorer les fans nous parviendraient et demanderaient :

Heyyyy, est-ce que vous êtes le Quels sont les gens de Point ? Vous êtes très bizarres, ils diraient. Nous ferions un signe de tête dans l'appréciation faux-humble, avec la conscience intelligente que nous étions en fait, "la merde."

Beaucoup comme être un maître d'arts martiaux, que je suis aussi, la clé à l'utilisation prudente de votre pouvoir sait quand. laisser votre lustre de pouvoir intérieur. Sauvez-le pour le spectacle j'ai pensé, le sauver pour le spectacle.

Quand nous sommes arrivés au théâtre après une sortie voyant vue brève j'étais égaré pour constater que nous n'avions pas reçu d'affichage supérieur. Qui a fait, vous pourriez demander ?! La Reine Traîne! Oui, fait rebondir du vestiaire d'étoile de mon Tour international par la Reine Traîne. Ce ne serait pas.


Donc je suis retourné à mon Vestiaire d'Avance de Soutien, (qui n'a pas la cuve de pied de griffe exigée dans tous mes cavaliers de talent), a saisi les perruques voyantes quittées par la Reine Traîne et leur a mis le feu. Personne n'allait me pousser autour de, j'ai résolu.

Que je ne savais pas est cela traîne les reines ont un sens maternel de leurs perruques. Vous savez, la façon que les ours font et la Reine Traîne m'est venue complet penchent!

Nous nous sommes livrés à la Bataille Mortelle à l'air d'un méga-mélange de meth-enduced. Quand la musique est venue à une fin, j'étais sur le cri d'étage. S/he avait emporté mon vestiaire et ma dignité. Touche Tirent la Reine, touche.

Le Canada m'a cassé, des amis. Oui, le Canada et un portage de stylet traînent la reine m'a cassé. C'est que j'ai appris de mes voyages :
  • Ne quittez jamais votre maison. La Reine Traîne vous recevra.
  • Le français est une langue agréable. Si vous allez à un pays qui le parle et vous ne faites pas, vous vous sentirez légèrement muets - et je crois qu'est introduit dans la langue aussi.
  • Finalement, moins de réalisation et de plus d'une réaffirmation, un brie et moi n'est pas d'accord.
LES ETATS-UNIS! LES ETATS-UNIS! LES ETATS-UNIS!


...AND NOW FOR GWGG's ENGLISH SPEAKING AUDIENCE
Hello!

The face you see at your left is the smiling visage of yours truly while making his debut International Tour of the wildly successful "What's the Point?!" in Montreal.

A lot of you are probably asking what goes into an International Tour. The answer: a lot. There's rehearsing, there are visas that need to be obtained, there are roadies that need to be hired, there are 4 & 5-star hotels which need to be booked -I'm told.

The is tour was no different except were were just going to Canada, all of our props fit in those bags Chinese people carry around, and we stayed in a charming, yet affordable B&B.

Traveling internationally can have it's own set of considerations and questions: "Can I openly ask prostitutes for sex?" "How do I cope with the fact that I am lactose intolerant in a country where everything is served with cheese?" Finally, the question whenever one goes to a French speaking country, "do I have to add ooh, la la to the end of every phrase?" (you do).

I took all these fears and uncertainties in stride as I made my way to our Neighbors to the North.

Upon our arrival it was obvious that there was a lot of anticipation surrounding our visit. Every where we went posters touting the smash New York Comedy Review were plastered. Throngs of adoring fans would run up to us and ask:

Heyyyy, are you the What's the Point people? You are very funny, We would nod in faux-humble appreciation, with the keen awareness that we were in fact, "the shit."

Much like being a master of martial arts, which I also am, the key to prudent use of your assets is knowing when to let your inner power shine. Save it for the show I thought, save it for the show.

When we arrived at the theatre after a brief sight-seeing outing I was distraught to find that we had not received top billing. Who did, you might ask?! The Drag Queen! Yes, bounced out of the star dressing room of my International Tour by The Drag Queen. This would not stand.

So I went back to my Supporting Lead Dressing Room, (which does not have the claw foot tub required in all of my talent riders), grabbed the garish wigs left by The Drag Queen, and set them on fire. No one was going to push me around, I resolved.

What I didn't know is that drag queens have a maternal sense of their wigs. You know, the way bears do, and the Drag Queen came at me full tilt! We engaged in Mortal Combat to the tune of a meth-enduced mega-mix. When the music came to an end, I was on the floor crying. S/he had taken away my dressing room and my dignity. Touche, Drag Queen, touche.

Canada has broken me, friends. Yes, Canada and a stiletto-wearing drag queen has broken me. This is what I have learned from my travels:
  • Never leave your home. The Drag Queen will get you.
  • French is a nice language. If you go to a country that speaks it and you don't, you will feel slightly dumb -and I think that is built into the language as well.
  • Finally, less of realization and more of a reaffirmation, brie and me do not agree.
USA! USA! USA!

Monday, October 13, 2008

You Guys Are Swell


Hip. Irreverent. Racy. Scandalous. Itchy. These are just a few of the words used to describe this illustrious page of the internets. One word that has never been connected with this here site, humble. Until today....

Yes friends, today I hung my self-involved hat on my superego chifferobe and walked for Pancreatic Cancer Research! Over the course of this week, I was overwhelmed by the generosity of friends and family. Team ECON 101 (pictured above) raised upwards of $3,000! A truly exciting achievement.

That said, I just wanted to take this week and say a humble "thank you" to all those who sent positive thoughts and dolla, dolla bills my way. It was a great event, thank you so much for your support!

PS- If you'd still like to donate I believe you can still do so by clicking here!

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I TELL GLUTTONOUS TALES OF THE CHOCOLATE BUFFET & OTHER ADVENTURES IN GREATNESS!

Monday, October 06, 2008

Not So Heartless

Yes, you will find your dose of dick and fart jokes below. But in THIS space, I wanted to let you know that I will be doing the Walk for Pancreatic Cancer Research in Boston, Sunday Oct. 12. My sister's boyfriend's father passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2005, and so it is something that is near and dear.

What's that? You want to give me money for my efforts? Too kind. You can do so by clicking here or here or here. Click whichever you want, they're all going to lead you to my walk page. Seriously, every little bit counts*. If you are a Boston GWGG fanatic (and who isn't at heart) you can walk with me by clicking here, registering and joining team, ECON 101.

Regardless, thanks so much for your help. Now if you'll excuse me I really must stretch.

*Except for pennies. Pennies don't count. Pennies are a stupid currency that should be done away with.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Ben Folds Got Me Thinking...

Hey Friends,

This is Ben Folds playing at Terminal 5 this past Wednesday:


This is me watching Ben Folds playing at Terminal 5 this past Wednesday:


I lay it out this way because most people think I make up everything that is posted here. In truth, I make up only 75% of what is posted here. This leaves 25% of stuff that very well may be true. These photographs prove that I was at least there. Or bribed a security guard enough to let me take a picture, and that's got to count for something, right?

You probably assume that here I will be posting a review of the show. Well don't, it makes an ASS out of U and ME, but mostly you. No, on this day, we focus on one specific element, fake stuff.

You see, in the lead up to the release of his new album, "Way to Normal," Folds 'N Friends created a deviously sneaky FAKE ALBUM THAT HE LEAKED TO THE INTERNETS HIMSELF. Oh, that irreverent Ben Folds with his tantalizing trickery....

This got me thinking. Why shouldn't I leak a FAKE blog post about Unicorns prior to the release of my REAL blog post about Unicorns. I'm at least as famous as Ben Folds. So here it comes, your Unicorn posts. But which one is THE REAL UNICORN POST? You tell me.

UNICORN POST #1:
Friends, I love sleeping. I really do. I love putting on my sleeping cap (pictured), hopping into my muscle t and sleeping thong, and sliding into my racecar bed. I can only think of a handful of things I love more than sleeping and only (2) of those things don't involve tittays, so that's saying something. I don't know what exactly, but something. After closer examination of what I loved about sleeping, I realized it isn't necessarily the sleeping, as it is the dreaming that I love.

In my most recent dreamings, I dreamt of Unicorns. While I don't remember the content of the dream, that is to say the narrative, characters or any real details, there were Unicorns there and I was so pleased. Unicorns are so relaxing and majestic. What with their flowing manes, coats as white as the driven snow, and lethal head-horn. I want a head-horn!


Upon rising from my slumber, I decided I want to be perpetually surrounded by Unicorns!!! So I took to the internets to track down the finest in Unicorn prints that would cover every square inch of my bedroom (for good feng shui). Below, you'll find a few contenders. Let's take a look-see, yes?

As a history buff, this one is a personal favorite of mine as it documents the Great Bear-Unicorn Conflict of 1812. While commonly overshadowed by the War of 1812, this poster documents the bloodshed that occurred when the Indians sold British-built cannons to the Bears which resulted in mass Unicorn casualties and ultimately led to the Boston Tea Party, I think.

I think this poster would be good for my room. Especially because it speaks to the ladies who come over. It says to them, "Hey Ladies, I will erotically nuzzle your neck, prior to hopping on my hindquarters in an unwanted attempt to make sweet, sweet love to you, and it will be hot -if I don't accidentally impale you on my head-horn." And basically, that's the message I want to send.

Okay, this one I really like too because of the colors and again, the majesty. The problem is the magical electricity at the tip of their horns. I once had a glow in the dark Yoda bulletin board that used to scare the shit out of me. If that scared me, lean, fighting magical creatures with sparking horns of death will likely result in "incontinence issues."

This piece is top of my list right now. Far and away my favorite. I don't know if it is the frolicking, the rainbow, or the excellent use of color. This one just speaks to me. It makes me want to have a cosmo, get a mani-pedi, and look into the big, beautiful eyes of that handsome beast. But that's just me.

This one was an inital favorite, I entitled it, "New England Unicorn." All I need is a clam bake and it screams, Unicorns at Martha's Vineyard. Unfortunately, the colors clashed with my ceiling to floor print of the Footprints poem.

Which poster did I pick? Well, I guess you'll just have to come over and find out. MEOW.

UNICORN POST #2:
So the other night, I was sleeping oh, so soundly with a nice lady in a headlock, as I'm known to do and I had the most vivid dreams about Unicorns and this high-pitched kid named Shannon. When I woke up the nice lady told me to "get the hell off her lap," because I made her legs fall asleep. You know, after the wonderful dreams I had I really didn't care for her tone. Not one bit.

More upsetting than her tone, was the fact that I suddenly could no longer enjoy the tales of the lovable Unicorns frolicking and enjoying hijinks. Harumph.

I was crushed. Never ever again get to enjoy the magic of the Unicorns again -until one day as I surfed on the YouTubes and discovered that these very dreams were available on the internets, and my heart was filled with joy!



This was the first dream and it was magical. As I dreamt further on the lady's lap, many of my Unicorn dreams reflected things that were happening in real life, like fall coming and soon Christmas!



Unicorns on the YouTubes. A Christmas miracle indeed! HEYYYYY!

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So which one was the REAL UNICORN POST? They both were, I love Unicorns. Weeeeeee!

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