Sunday, September 07, 2008

When Opportunity Knocks

When Opportunity knocks....

...tell it you gotta pinch one off, wipe and then you'll be right out.

Well, hello there. Do I look more important than normal? That's probably because I'm posing for my oil painting. Oil painting, I say? Yes, oil painting. I'm a public figure, that's what we fucking do. I fear I've gotten ahead of myself.

This weekend I was whisked away to the World Famous Fireside Dinner Theatre in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin to take in their production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. I received a call from Artistic Director about a week ago encouraging me to come see the show, and I was just elated.

"Patrick," he says, "as someone who has succeeded in business literally without really trying, it would really mean a lot to the kids if you came out to see the show and spoke to them on the topics of acting, grooming and decoupaging. Also, I would really like a spongebath."

How can you argue with that? You can't. You can try, but you'll end up saying something stupid like, "I know you are but what am I," and people fucking hate it when you do that -so just don't.

Upon my arrival I was just really overwhelmed by the obesity warmth exuded by all that I encountered. Everyone was just so incredibly fat welcoming. What with their wide asses smiles and hearty appetites laughs, I knew this would be a good place to spend a weekend.

After viewing the show, which was a delight, I knocked over some elderly people who were not moving at paces that I deemed appropriate, and used the restroom -taking extra care to use hot, soapy water to wash the "old" off of me. Following my decontamination, I attended a VIP party which was being held in my honor (natch). It was very much a see-and-be-seen event with attendees clamoring for the opportunity to touch me in the hopes I would cure their leprosy (I didn't). One such muckety muck among the crowd was the Right Honourable Mayor Erich James Polley.

Hizzoner and I really just hit it off right out of the gate. It wasn't long until conversation turned to my own Midwestern upbringing. I told him how I had worked at the nearby dairy farm which made cheese as head milker. He relished my tales about the cheese making processes and how, daily, I would substitute the automated milk suction tubes for my own mouth, so that I might get "closer" to the cows. "What can I say, I love teets!" I confessed.

"Stop right there," he said. "I have heard enough. Patrick, I want you to be my Superintendent of Cheese." [Evidently, the previous Superintendent of Cheese had tendered his resignation earlier that day, when he discovered, after only (72) hours on the job that, in fact, it ain't easy being cheesy.] Without a moment of hesitation, I instantly seized the opportunity, and the swearing in occurred on the spot.

Not wanting to waste a moment of my new life as a public servant, I gathered those in attendance and gave what History will one day come to regard as the finest, most sweeping speech ever delivered in the Velvet Lips Lounge, Bar & Grill.

Wisconsinites, theatre trash and assorted toothless wonders today is the greatest day you've ever known. First off, I want to thank the Good Mayor for this incredible honor. You live by example when it comes to cheese, and your collection of Asian midget porn is first rate. You set the bar high, my friend. You set it high!

Today the Boy from Ohio has returned to the Heartland, to give you the delicious cheese that you want, the cheese you deserve. You know I've heard a lot of defeatist talk these days. Maybe we should just give up on cheese, leave it to the Swiss. It's understandable. What with their enormous wheels of cheese and that seductive trollop, the Swiss Miss, I too have wondered, "is she wearing panties under that cute little outfit?" Answer? I just don't know.

What I do know is that as Superintendent of Cheese, I will serve you with a 3-finger approach. First, suck on that delicious cow teet for old times sake. Second, put a string cheese in every Fort Atkinsonian kid's lunch box cause that shit is fun to tear into and see how many strings you can pull apart. Finally, I will personally come to each of your homes and hug you awkwardly. That has nothing to do with cheese it is just something I'm good at and would like to do, okay?

In closing, I'd like to share with you a quote from the great Roman philosopher, Seneca. "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." I am fully unprepared for this job, so here goes nothing. Let the hugging begin.
And begin it did. I greeted my constituents who were overjoyed to meet a politician who finally delivered on his inaugural promises.

So that was how I spent my weekend. Tonight, I am back in New York as I assemble my transition team. I want to thank you all for your well wishes. I'm very excited by this new undertaking!


FORT ATKINSON, WI - The Associated Press reports that after a mere 17 hours after assuming the position, Superintendent Garrigan is already embroiled in a scandal, Lactosegate. The Service reports that Garrigan, 29, is actually lactose intolerant and has not eaten cheese since 2006.

Fort Atkinson Press Secretary, Salli Melfi, was quick to respond. "I have been around Superintendent Garrigan when he has had cheese, you know, like accidentally on a burger and no one told him or something. Well, believe me you, that boy smells like shit 15 minutes later. So while I'm not in a position to comment on the Superintendent's eating habits, even if he doesn't eat cheese due to lactose intolerance, that does not impede his ability to advance our pro-cheese agenda or give awkward hugs. Thank you."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

congratulations on the appointment, but once again, Patrick when you eat an the brie at a party and people say you are a real gas, it is NOT a compliment.


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