Sunday, September 28, 2008

Wanderlust

Bored? Capture your inner explorer!

No, the girl at left is not out on date with me as I explain that time in 2nd grade when I had button fly jeans that were too tight and my britches burst open and everyone in the class saw my Yoda-roos. Oh, it was embarrassing at the time... But so funny, you know, in hindsight -wait maybe she is bored by that. Funny story though, makes me chuckle just thinking about it. Yoda-roos! I mean really...

Another reason she seem dissatisfied, is that she could be depressed. Summer has come to an end and she has to buckle down and get all the stuff done that she blew off while she was busy on vacation showing off her tittays at some trashy bar in Daytona Beach, the slut.

Man, it sucks to be holed up in a windowless office when there is such a great wonderful country -most of which have never seen the rolling hills of her womanly bust. What if she could find a way combine work aaaaand travel? She can, and more importantly, SO CAN YOU!

BECOME A HOBO!!!

Visit exotic locales! Meet fun, exciting people! Sleep in your own excrement!

Making such a dramatic career shift, your likely to have a lot of questions. It's understandable. In anticipation of this I took to the Internets to see what kind of information I might be able to track down to make your transition as easy as possible. Luckily, I tapped into hobo gold. Much like any occupation, the hobo has an ethical code (as found here), which I think will help to shed a lot of light into your future vocation. [Note: Italics represent editorial additions not necessarily approved by the greater hobo community.]


1.-Decide your own life, don't let another person run or rule you. If you do decide to let another person rule you, make sure it is the Hobo King. You will know him by his majestic nature, crown forged of a jagged Folgers can and his Queen, Box Car Myrtle.

2.-When in town, always respect the local law and officials, and try to be a gentleman at all times. Unless "the man" man is totally a dick. Then you are fully within your rights to beat him to death with your hobo shovel and bury him in a shallow grave next to the Piggly Wiggly.

3.-Don't take advantage of someone who is in a vulnerable situation, locals or other hobos. The only caveat is if you encounter a local who is a hobo in a vulnerable situation, such as being behind in his hobo mortgage due to predatory hobo lending practices. In this instance you may take advantage, as this hobo is only bringing down hobo property values.

4.-Always try to find work, even if temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure [sic] employment should you return to that town again. You will know these jobs because Mexicans will be doing them.

5.-When no employment is available, make your own work by using your added talents at crafts. Do not make any crafts using pasta. Pasta crafts (ie. necklaces, mosaics, etc.) are crap and you shame hobo artisans everywhere, you stupid pasta crafter.

6.-Do not allow yourself to become a stupid drunk and set a bad example for locals treatment of other hobos. That said, "hungry drunk," "sentimental drunk," and "horny drunk" are entirely acceptable.

7.-When jungling in town, respect handouts, do not wear them out, another hobo will be coming along who will need them as bad, if not worse than you. Additionally, revisiting handout patrons with the phrase, "please sir, I want some more," is strongly discouraged.

8.-Always respect nature, do not leave garbage where you are jungling. Instead, use your garbage to fill a scarecrow form. Name this scarecrow Ted, and tell him that in the next town he really needs to shower because he smells like garbage. Don't worry about Ted, if he's honest with himself, he knows it's true.

9.-If in a community jungle, always pitch in and help. Especailly when it comes doing the dishes and paying the cable bill. If we have to miss another episode of Gossip Girl because you forgot to mail in the check, there's gonna be hell to pay.

10.-Try to stay clean, and boil up wherever possible. Kindly do not pop your boils in front of women & children as they find it"offputting."

11.-When traveling, ride your train respectfully, take no personal chances, cause no problems with the operating crew or host railroad, act like an extra crew member. -a smelly, free-loading, unwanted, illegal crew member.

12.-Do not cause problems in a train yard, Another hobo will be coming along who will need passage thru that yard. Do feel free to provide entertainment; such as re-enacting scenes from your original play / pyro spectacle, Hobo on Fire.

13.-Do not allow other hobos to molest children, expose to authorities all molesters, they are the worst garbage to infest any society. When exposing them to authorities, invite Chris Hansen. I hear he's soooo much taller than he looks on TV. This is your opportunity to find out, don't waste it.

14.-Help all runaway children, and try to induce them to return home. If they are particularly headstrong, claim them as your ward, dress them as Robin and fight crime as time allows.

15.-Help your fellow hobos whenever and wherever needed, you may need their help someday. Except Hobo Chad. He'll eat a whole can of pork and beans without asking you once if you'd like any. What the fuck, Hobo Chad?

16.-If present at a hobo court and you have testimony, give it, whether for or against the accused, your voice counts! After concluding your testimony in hobo court, do not ask the hobo clerk if he / she will validate your parking. He / she won't. It just isn't in the hobo budget this year, I'm sorry.


Are you ready to throw caution to the wind and hit the rails?! Thought so. This fall, hobo is the new black! Get fashionable.

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OBSERVATIONAL COMEDY: You know your blog is littered with dick and fart jokes when these are the ads that Google Adsense selects for your page: ADULT DIAPERS, Protective Underwear, Incontinence Products. I have arrived!

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