Sunday, September 14, 2008

Dept. of Lists: Why Sarah Palin is Vice President of My Heart

As I have long said, the only thing I love more than the ladies are the ladies with guns and Executive Privilege! MEOW!

Unlike my day to day life, I do try to keep politics & religion out of out of your weekly episodes of Greatness. This enables me to maintain the objective douchebaggery that has become synonymous with this esteemed journalistic institution that I like to refer to as the Taupe Lady, as the Gray Lady was already taken. (and gray clashed with my decor of African Art and tiki torches anyway.) That said, today I whisk away that veil of objectivity to present you with a FACT™: Sarah Palin is Veep of My Heart.

Today I was at the gym, and I had a lot of tension in my neck. Having studied stretching and other crucial skills during my pursuit of a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree, I took responsibility for this tension by placing my hands on the crown of my head and pulled down in a sudden, violent gesture. What resulted was a loud "POP" that had me convinced that I either broke my neck or was soon to be vegetable which, as we all know, is at best undesirable. Rather than becoming dead, I suffered what can only be described as an overwhelming bout of clarity. What is this clarity of which I speak? Only that Sarah Palin is the best thing to ever happen to this country, ever.

Before you "readers," "thinkers," & "liberal elites" go jumping on my back -STOP. I have a bad back. I hurt it doing squat thrusts today. It's not so much the squatting as it is the thrusting. Squat thrusts aside, I have taken the initiative of and compiled a list of reasons I am really glad that Sarah Palin will become the 45th President of these United States.

The Greatness with Garrigan Gumption List Outlining Why Sarah Palin is Vice President of My Heart and the 45th President of these United States of America

1.) Used funds from the Bridge to Nowhere to make improvements to the Bridge to Terebithia. Ever the reformer, she fought against the Power Brokers to cancel the plan for a Bridge to Nowhere and reinvested it in a 326 million dollar project to improve the Bridge to Terebithia which was in a state of disrepair as it was only built using some planks and shit left outside Mr. & Mrs. Burke's shed. "Let the healing begin." Sarah declared and then ushered May Belle over the steel / ruby / glass / onyx structure and crowned her Princess of Terebithia.

2.) Her views on abortion will provide a desperately needed bounce in the sales of my (currently frowned upon) Do It Yourself kit.

3.) She has a personal Viking army. You know what terrorists are scared of? I do. Vikings. Sarah knows this as well. That's why as Commander and Chief of the Alaskan National Guard she created the Viking Counterterrorism Task Force. Since its creation there has not been a single terrorist attack on these Americas and we have Sarah's Vikings to thank for that.

4.) Sarah rides a mean hog.

5.) She is a sportswoman, a humanitarian.
Full disclosure: I know Sarah. During my time touring with the feel good musical, Titanic, I had the good fortune of playing for a week in Anchorage. During this time I met Sarah at a VIP function and as is usually the case, we developed a rapport and she invited me to go moose hunting with her. Well, we were tracking this moose and we lost our bearings -the thrill of the hunt pulsing through our veins. When we finally felled the beast we realized that we had no idea where we were. "This snow is cold. My toesies hurt," I whimpered. At this point she pulled out a lightsaber, sliced open the belly of the moose and put me inside it to keep me warm till help arrived. Which ultimately ended up saving my life. That is a true story. Any resemblance to Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back is purely coincidental.

6.) Sarah saved Wasilla, Alaska from naughty words.

As mayor of Was-fuckin'-silla, Sarah didn't fuck around. If you think she did, well you better get your head out of your ass, numbnuts. No sirree. She knew what her constituents wanted: gas, ass or grass. So when it came to light that those fucktards at the "library" had books with naughty words she didn't waste anytime; she put on her taint-kicking boots and got to work, man -allegedly threatening to fire that crotchfaced librarian. Well, you better believe those shitstack books came down, bitchass. Fuckin' heathens.

7.) Sarah has a multifunctional hairdo. There's been a lot of talk about Sarah's foxy naughty librarian updo. You want to know what's hidden inside? Come closer, I'll tell you. Her hair is chock full of candy corn and stale Peeps. Yes! Delicious and sexy is an unresistable combination.

8.) The resulting horror from telling people Sarah Palin is VP of my Heart is almost as delightful as when I tell people I HATE jazz.

For the reasons listed above, she will become our next Vice President. Hooray! Aren't you guys crazy pumped now? Thought so.

While this opinion may seem slanted, I have decided to take a moment to give Team Obama a chance to respond. Their video rebuttal follows below:

Don't forget to VOTE for sexy transparent pandering, you punk asses!

1 comment:

Hector said...

I'm sending a write in vote for Colm Wilkinson.


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