Sunday, September 28, 2008

Wanderlust

Bored? Capture your inner explorer!

No, the girl at left is not out on date with me as I explain that time in 2nd grade when I had button fly jeans that were too tight and my britches burst open and everyone in the class saw my Yoda-roos. Oh, it was embarrassing at the time... But so funny, you know, in hindsight -wait maybe she is bored by that. Funny story though, makes me chuckle just thinking about it. Yoda-roos! I mean really...

Another reason she seem dissatisfied, is that she could be depressed. Summer has come to an end and she has to buckle down and get all the stuff done that she blew off while she was busy on vacation showing off her tittays at some trashy bar in Daytona Beach, the slut.

Man, it sucks to be holed up in a windowless office when there is such a great wonderful country -most of which have never seen the rolling hills of her womanly bust. What if she could find a way combine work aaaaand travel? She can, and more importantly, SO CAN YOU!

BECOME A HOBO!!!

Visit exotic locales! Meet fun, exciting people! Sleep in your own excrement!

Making such a dramatic career shift, your likely to have a lot of questions. It's understandable. In anticipation of this I took to the Internets to see what kind of information I might be able to track down to make your transition as easy as possible. Luckily, I tapped into hobo gold. Much like any occupation, the hobo has an ethical code (as found here), which I think will help to shed a lot of light into your future vocation. [Note: Italics represent editorial additions not necessarily approved by the greater hobo community.]


1.-Decide your own life, don't let another person run or rule you. If you do decide to let another person rule you, make sure it is the Hobo King. You will know him by his majestic nature, crown forged of a jagged Folgers can and his Queen, Box Car Myrtle.

2.-When in town, always respect the local law and officials, and try to be a gentleman at all times. Unless "the man" man is totally a dick. Then you are fully within your rights to beat him to death with your hobo shovel and bury him in a shallow grave next to the Piggly Wiggly.

3.-Don't take advantage of someone who is in a vulnerable situation, locals or other hobos. The only caveat is if you encounter a local who is a hobo in a vulnerable situation, such as being behind in his hobo mortgage due to predatory hobo lending practices. In this instance you may take advantage, as this hobo is only bringing down hobo property values.

4.-Always try to find work, even if temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure [sic] employment should you return to that town again. You will know these jobs because Mexicans will be doing them.

5.-When no employment is available, make your own work by using your added talents at crafts. Do not make any crafts using pasta. Pasta crafts (ie. necklaces, mosaics, etc.) are crap and you shame hobo artisans everywhere, you stupid pasta crafter.

6.-Do not allow yourself to become a stupid drunk and set a bad example for locals treatment of other hobos. That said, "hungry drunk," "sentimental drunk," and "horny drunk" are entirely acceptable.

7.-When jungling in town, respect handouts, do not wear them out, another hobo will be coming along who will need them as bad, if not worse than you. Additionally, revisiting handout patrons with the phrase, "please sir, I want some more," is strongly discouraged.

8.-Always respect nature, do not leave garbage where you are jungling. Instead, use your garbage to fill a scarecrow form. Name this scarecrow Ted, and tell him that in the next town he really needs to shower because he smells like garbage. Don't worry about Ted, if he's honest with himself, he knows it's true.

9.-If in a community jungle, always pitch in and help. Especailly when it comes doing the dishes and paying the cable bill. If we have to miss another episode of Gossip Girl because you forgot to mail in the check, there's gonna be hell to pay.

10.-Try to stay clean, and boil up wherever possible. Kindly do not pop your boils in front of women & children as they find it"offputting."

11.-When traveling, ride your train respectfully, take no personal chances, cause no problems with the operating crew or host railroad, act like an extra crew member. -a smelly, free-loading, unwanted, illegal crew member.

12.-Do not cause problems in a train yard, Another hobo will be coming along who will need passage thru that yard. Do feel free to provide entertainment; such as re-enacting scenes from your original play / pyro spectacle, Hobo on Fire.

13.-Do not allow other hobos to molest children, expose to authorities all molesters, they are the worst garbage to infest any society. When exposing them to authorities, invite Chris Hansen. I hear he's soooo much taller than he looks on TV. This is your opportunity to find out, don't waste it.

14.-Help all runaway children, and try to induce them to return home. If they are particularly headstrong, claim them as your ward, dress them as Robin and fight crime as time allows.

15.-Help your fellow hobos whenever and wherever needed, you may need their help someday. Except Hobo Chad. He'll eat a whole can of pork and beans without asking you once if you'd like any. What the fuck, Hobo Chad?

16.-If present at a hobo court and you have testimony, give it, whether for or against the accused, your voice counts! After concluding your testimony in hobo court, do not ask the hobo clerk if he / she will validate your parking. He / she won't. It just isn't in the hobo budget this year, I'm sorry.


Are you ready to throw caution to the wind and hit the rails?! Thought so. This fall, hobo is the new black! Get fashionable.

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OBSERVATIONAL COMEDY: You know your blog is littered with dick and fart jokes when these are the ads that Google Adsense selects for your page: ADULT DIAPERS, Protective Underwear, Incontinence Products. I have arrived!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I Have Fallen for Dance ..and I Can't Get Up

What's that? Oh, I'm just standing in passe. What are you doing?


You know, life is full of both hustle and bustle, and it is easy to overlook the finer things -culture, for instance. You need to stop overlooking, man. Just stop it. I mean, one day you could be writing offensive, wildly humorous blog postings and the next you could be standing on the subway platform, slip while you're trying to pick up a Butterfinger you just bought at Food Emporium, fall onto the tracks, get electrified by the third rail, mowed down by an speeding N/W train, and have your remains picked over by the Mole People who use your pancreas to flavor an otherwise bland shoe stew. Life is just that fragile, you gotta stop and smell the roses.

I began my rose-smelling last weekend, at my friend Ashley's request, by seeing Absinthe at the South Street Seaport. It proved to be a delightful evening of circus & burlesque that featured aerialists, contortionists, regurgitated bananas and tittays. You really couldn't ask for more in an evening out on the town. If anything you might ask for something less -like say, less regurgitated bananas, perhaps.

This weekend I amp'd up the high-brow-ity-ness by collecting culture buddy, Nurse Julie, and viewing a performance of the Fall for Dance Festival. The annual festival brings some of the finest dancers from around the world to perform in an evening of stand alone pieces to sold out crowds at New York City Center. Well, let me tell you friends, this was a treat.

Often, I feel dance performances can get a bad wrap. This is probably because we've been subjected to Donna Dinkle School of Dance recitals which feature chubby kids stuffed into spandex & sequined monstrosities and forced to carry out painful routines to "Me & My Shadow." It's enough to make anyone leery / homicidal.

Gunshy dance enthusiasts take heart! For this Saturday I snuck my imaginary video camera into the hall to illegally tape the performances, which I immediately posted on the YouTubes! So scoot your chair closer, it's time to Fall for Dance!

The first ones up were Biao Fang & Su Meng of China who performed the most captivating lyrical dance:



It was such a thrill to see them live. I had wanted to see them last year when they were in town, but the tickets would have cost me AN ARM AND A LEG.

Next up on the program was, Stacy Hedger, widely regarded in the dance community at-large as one of the finest American dancers working today. One glimpse at her performance below, and I think you'll see why:



I have goosebumps. Really, just fabulous. I mean this in earnest: if you had a turd for a brain, you'd almost feel like you were there... on the Death Star... fighting Darth Vader... with a trumpet. Simply majestic.

In the final segment, there was a thrilling performance by pop 'n locking dynamo, Tito Turtletop. As a special treat, at the conclusion of his performance he provided the audience with a quick master class:



Okay, okay it wasn't really a master class. Tito is notoriously epileptic and I wanted to see what would happen if I turned on a strobe light during his curtain speech. And now we know.

There were supposed to be another (2) acts, but with Tito epilepticly "mugging" all over the place and the handful of ambulances that arrived as a result, the evening was cut short. Oh sure, maybe they took away the privilege of attending any future City Center performances, but they can't take away the Magic of Dance which I will now carry around in my heart, just to the left of my pacemaker.

---
PROMOTION COMMOTION - What's all that racket? Why it's the Promotion Commotion!

Have you ever wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself? Of course you do, that's why you've jumped on the Obama bandwagon! Well I say, think smaller.


Join the Greatness with Garrigan Gumption Facebook Group. Here you can meet people, just like yourself, who can read or at the very least like funny pictures. We're (almost) 200 strong!


Hey friends, here's a book that becomes available on Amazon as of Monday (9/22/08)! That looks like a nice cover. If I were you, I'd buy that.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Dept. of Lists: Why Sarah Palin is Vice President of My Heart

As I have long said, the only thing I love more than the ladies are the ladies with guns and Executive Privilege! MEOW!

Unlike my day to day life, I do try to keep politics & religion out of out of your weekly episodes of Greatness. This enables me to maintain the objective douchebaggery that has become synonymous with this esteemed journalistic institution that I like to refer to as the Taupe Lady, as the Gray Lady was already taken. (and gray clashed with my decor of African Art and tiki torches anyway.) That said, today I whisk away that veil of objectivity to present you with a FACT™: Sarah Palin is Veep of My Heart.

Today I was at the gym, and I had a lot of tension in my neck. Having studied stretching and other crucial skills during my pursuit of a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree, I took responsibility for this tension by placing my hands on the crown of my head and pulled down in a sudden, violent gesture. What resulted was a loud "POP" that had me convinced that I either broke my neck or was soon to be vegetable which, as we all know, is at best undesirable. Rather than becoming dead, I suffered what can only be described as an overwhelming bout of clarity. What is this clarity of which I speak? Only that Sarah Palin is the best thing to ever happen to this country, ever.

Before you "readers," "thinkers," & "liberal elites" go jumping on my back -STOP. I have a bad back. I hurt it doing squat thrusts today. It's not so much the squatting as it is the thrusting. Squat thrusts aside, I have taken the initiative of and compiled a list of reasons I am really glad that Sarah Palin will become the 45th President of these United States.


The Greatness with Garrigan Gumption List Outlining Why Sarah Palin is Vice President of My Heart and the 45th President of these United States of America

1.) Used funds from the Bridge to Nowhere to make improvements to the Bridge to Terebithia. Ever the reformer, she fought against the Power Brokers to cancel the plan for a Bridge to Nowhere and reinvested it in a 326 million dollar project to improve the Bridge to Terebithia which was in a state of disrepair as it was only built using some planks and shit left outside Mr. & Mrs. Burke's shed. "Let the healing begin." Sarah declared and then ushered May Belle over the steel / ruby / glass / onyx structure and crowned her Princess of Terebithia.

2.) Her views on abortion will provide a desperately needed bounce in the sales of my (currently frowned upon) Do It Yourself kit.

3.) She has a personal Viking army. You know what terrorists are scared of? I do. Vikings. Sarah knows this as well. That's why as Commander and Chief of the Alaskan National Guard she created the Viking Counterterrorism Task Force. Since its creation there has not been a single terrorist attack on these Americas and we have Sarah's Vikings to thank for that.

4.) Sarah rides a mean hog.











5.) She is a sportswoman, a humanitarian.
Full disclosure: I know Sarah. During my time touring with the feel good musical, Titanic, I had the good fortune of playing for a week in Anchorage. During this time I met Sarah at a VIP function and as is usually the case, we developed a rapport and she invited me to go moose hunting with her. Well, we were tracking this moose and we lost our bearings -the thrill of the hunt pulsing through our veins. When we finally felled the beast we realized that we had no idea where we were. "This snow is cold. My toesies hurt," I whimpered. At this point she pulled out a lightsaber, sliced open the belly of the moose and put me inside it to keep me warm till help arrived. Which ultimately ended up saving my life. That is a true story. Any resemblance to Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back is purely coincidental.

6.) Sarah saved Wasilla, Alaska from naughty words.

As mayor of Was-fuckin'-silla, Sarah didn't fuck around. If you think she did, well you better get your head out of your ass, numbnuts. No sirree. She knew what her constituents wanted: gas, ass or grass. So when it came to light that those fucktards at the "library" had books with naughty words she didn't waste anytime; she put on her taint-kicking boots and got to work, man -allegedly threatening to fire that crotchfaced librarian. Well, you better believe those shitstack books came down, bitchass. Fuckin' heathens.


7.) Sarah has a multifunctional hairdo. There's been a lot of talk about Sarah's foxy naughty librarian updo. You want to know what's hidden inside? Come closer, I'll tell you. Her hair is chock full of candy corn and stale Peeps. Yes! Delicious and sexy is an unresistable combination.

8.) The resulting horror from telling people Sarah Palin is VP of my Heart is almost as delightful as when I tell people I HATE jazz.


For the reasons listed above, she will become our next Vice President. Hooray! Aren't you guys crazy pumped now? Thought so.

While this opinion may seem slanted, I have decided to take a moment to give Team Obama a chance to respond. Their video rebuttal follows below:



Don't forget to VOTE for sexy transparent pandering, you punk asses!

Sunday, September 07, 2008

When Opportunity Knocks

When Opportunity knocks....

...tell it you gotta pinch one off, wipe and then you'll be right out.

Well, hello there. Do I look more important than normal? That's probably because I'm posing for my oil painting. Oil painting, I say? Yes, oil painting. I'm a public figure, that's what we fucking do. I fear I've gotten ahead of myself.

This weekend I was whisked away to the World Famous Fireside Dinner Theatre in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin to take in their production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. I received a call from Artistic Director about a week ago encouraging me to come see the show, and I was just elated.

"Patrick," he says, "as someone who has succeeded in business literally without really trying, it would really mean a lot to the kids if you came out to see the show and spoke to them on the topics of acting, grooming and decoupaging. Also, I would really like a spongebath."

How can you argue with that? You can't. You can try, but you'll end up saying something stupid like, "I know you are but what am I," and people fucking hate it when you do that -so just don't.

Upon my arrival I was just really overwhelmed by the obesity warmth exuded by all that I encountered. Everyone was just so incredibly fat welcoming. What with their wide asses smiles and hearty appetites laughs, I knew this would be a good place to spend a weekend.

After viewing the show, which was a delight, I knocked over some elderly people who were not moving at paces that I deemed appropriate, and used the restroom -taking extra care to use hot, soapy water to wash the "old" off of me. Following my decontamination, I attended a VIP party which was being held in my honor (natch). It was very much a see-and-be-seen event with attendees clamoring for the opportunity to touch me in the hopes I would cure their leprosy (I didn't). One such muckety muck among the crowd was the Right Honourable Mayor Erich James Polley.

Hizzoner and I really just hit it off right out of the gate. It wasn't long until conversation turned to my own Midwestern upbringing. I told him how I had worked at the nearby dairy farm which made cheese as head milker. He relished my tales about the cheese making processes and how, daily, I would substitute the automated milk suction tubes for my own mouth, so that I might get "closer" to the cows. "What can I say, I love teets!" I confessed.

"Stop right there," he said. "I have heard enough. Patrick, I want you to be my Superintendent of Cheese." [Evidently, the previous Superintendent of Cheese had tendered his resignation earlier that day, when he discovered, after only (72) hours on the job that, in fact, it ain't easy being cheesy.] Without a moment of hesitation, I instantly seized the opportunity, and the swearing in occurred on the spot.


Not wanting to waste a moment of my new life as a public servant, I gathered those in attendance and gave what History will one day come to regard as the finest, most sweeping speech ever delivered in the Velvet Lips Lounge, Bar & Grill.

Wisconsinites, theatre trash and assorted toothless wonders today is the greatest day you've ever known. First off, I want to thank the Good Mayor for this incredible honor. You live by example when it comes to cheese, and your collection of Asian midget porn is first rate. You set the bar high, my friend. You set it high!

Today the Boy from Ohio has returned to the Heartland, to give you the delicious cheese that you want, the cheese you deserve. You know I've heard a lot of defeatist talk these days. Maybe we should just give up on cheese, leave it to the Swiss. It's understandable. What with their enormous wheels of cheese and that seductive trollop, the Swiss Miss, I too have wondered, "is she wearing panties under that cute little outfit?" Answer? I just don't know.

What I do know is that as Superintendent of Cheese, I will serve you with a 3-finger approach. First, suck on that delicious cow teet for old times sake. Second, put a string cheese in every Fort Atkinsonian kid's lunch box cause that shit is fun to tear into and see how many strings you can pull apart. Finally, I will personally come to each of your homes and hug you awkwardly. That has nothing to do with cheese it is just something I'm good at and would like to do, okay?

In closing, I'd like to share with you a quote from the great Roman philosopher, Seneca. "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." I am fully unprepared for this job, so here goes nothing. Let the hugging begin.
And begin it did. I greeted my constituents who were overjoyed to meet a politician who finally delivered on his inaugural promises.


So that was how I spent my weekend. Tonight, I am back in New York as I assemble my transition team. I want to thank you all for your well wishes. I'm very excited by this new undertaking!

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BREAKING NEWS!
FORT ATKINSON, WI - The Associated Press reports that after a mere 17 hours after assuming the position, Superintendent Garrigan is already embroiled in a scandal, Lactosegate. The Service reports that Garrigan, 29, is actually lactose intolerant and has not eaten cheese since 2006.

Fort Atkinson Press Secretary, Salli Melfi, was quick to respond. "I have been around Superintendent Garrigan when he has had cheese, you know, like accidentally on a burger and no one told him or something. Well, believe me you, that boy smells like shit 15 minutes later. So while I'm not in a position to comment on the Superintendent's eating habits, even if he doesn't eat cheese due to lactose intolerance, that does not impede his ability to advance our pro-cheese agenda or give awkward hugs. Thank you."

Monday, September 01, 2008

A Creepy Catch Up

Where have I been? Where have you been, you foxy so and so!? Hop into my GrabbyMobile Happy Fun Time Van and I will tell you aaaaaaaallllllll about it.

That's right, yessssss. Shhhhhhh. We've got a lot of catching up to do. Please have a seat, I'll let you sit in my Captain's chair. I think I have a candy bar for you, lady, yes I do! I left it somewhere around here....

Now, where was I?

Ahhh, well let me tell you. I was called away to a mystical place called, "Ohio." Have you ever been to Ohio? Shhh, don't speak, that was rhetorical. Eat some candy corn instead. Here. I did a skit about (4) dead guys who come back from the dead, steal clothes from the living, sing songs for the elderly,(and assorted stalkers of people in off-Broadway shows) and then thrill them all by portraying the universal power of crappy, long-winded music analogies. YESSSS! [arm pump]

You look tense, let me help you out there....

While "Big Poppa," as I often refer to myself in 3rd person aloud whether someone is around to hear it or not, was there, he got sad news that made him cry and delayed this here blog. What was this sad news? Well, it was the kind of sad news that makes those Trail of Tears Indians sound like a bunch of whiny pussies.

"Waah, you're eating all of our delicious buffalos," the Indians used to say.

"Boo hoo, you keep peeing in our rivers, streams and tributaries. Goo goo ga ga, you're having sex with all of our totes hot squaws in exciting new positions"-at the end of the day they got casinos and cheap cigarettes and I didn't get bupkis.

Why, what have we here? Is that a bottle of KY Intrigue Heating Personal Lubricant in my pocket or am I just happy to see you? BOTH. Sizzle, sizzle. Mucho caliente! Maybe that'll help out with those tense shoulders....

...that sad thing was no fun. So Patrick went shopping! Hooray! Unfortunately, your Paddy spent all his Ohio Money on crackwhores, pixie sticks, diapers fo my baby-mammas' baby bum-bums, and those little pop-snap things you throw on the ground that make a loud noise to scare your friends. So a big, round, sad face on 'ol Paddycakes, right here, believe me you! Never deterred, I went to a store that growing up was like a second home, The Salvation Armani. It is here that I bought these shoes for $4. They. Are. Bitchin. But then your friend, yeah, this guy, got home to New York and wore them to the US Open to impress his clients by how "hip" and "happening" and "cool" and "not gay" he was, and the soles of both shoes fell off while he was in their VIP box. And this made him neither hip nor happening nor cool nor not gay. It made him a sole-less loser. Sole-less! Get it? Get it? It's an oronym! I kill me.

Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

After all this traveling and shoe-sole-falling-off business, guess who was tired and decided he need to rest up in his apartment to charge up his batteries and figure out what was happening and cool? Me, baby, that's who. So off to the internets I flew and found the hottest rap video on the charts, that all the raddest kids were bumpin' in da club! (NSFW)



Is that a "hot jam" or what? Anyway, now you're all caught up.

Did I mention this puppy has a bed in the back? No? I didn't? Well, that's cause it doesn't. But we might could make one if you're a wee bit sleepy... Meow! Hey, what's with the running and shrieking and the tasing!? Not cool.

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