Sunday, August 17, 2008

Year 2

Doesn't this picture give you the heebeejeebees? Regardless, I think it does a nice job of illustrating an important point. I AM CRAZY EXCITED THAT GWGG IS IN IT'S SECOND YEAR OF EXISTENCE!!!

It's been a good year, hasn't it kids? That wasn't rhetorical, I really need that positive reinforcement that it was indeed a good year.

With yet another year of Greatness under my belt, I wanted to take some of our new readers through some of the highlights of this year's postings. Because nothing says, Happy Birthday like a posting of self-referential bullshit. Am I right or am I right or am I right? I'm right. Here are just a few of the topics with which we've shared some laughter and shed some tears.

ON THE CORRELATION BETWEEN HIGH TEMPERATURES AND MURDER: Did you know? Murders go up 723% across this country during the summer months? You didn't? Well that's because I made that up. However, I am 723% more likely to kill you during the summer months than I am during any other point in the year. That's a fact.

ON POETRY:
When a holiday's named after you, then all must agree,
that a sense of humility and modesty's the key.
If you know me at all, you know that's not likely to happen,
So spring for a stripper and have her dance on my lap 'en!

ON DUTCH OVENING: Any way you slice it, Dutch Ovening is decidedly funny. The skill it takes to time your fart, gather your covers and encapsulate your significant other is genuinely admirable. My advice to you is to carry out other pranks that, by comparison, make "the Oven" seem hilarious. For instance, try duct taping her eyes shut while she's sleeping, so that when she wakes up she thinks she's blind. After that, she'll be begging you to fart and pull the covers over her head!

ON LIVING IN NEW YORK: "For all you kids who don't live in New York, getting overcharged here is not only accepted it is expected. New York is expensive, so if you come here, don't be a douchebag and go to stores and say outloud, "this is soooo overpriced." It is that pricey for a reason -to keep your cheap ass in planted firmly in whatever shithole you come from."

ON GOING WITHOUT: Every year thousands of Americans go without clean undergarments. Given the current national economic landscape, there are a variety of reasons that send people out into the world commando. Just look at these staggering statistics:

  • 58% of plumbers go without underwear because panty lines impede, "giving good crack."
  • 37% of creepy uncles don't wear undergarments because it gets in the way of fiddlin' their bits during Monday Night Football.
  • 75% of strippers are without underwear because, "I gots to air that shit out."
But it isn't just stippers, blue collar folk and likely pedophiles that this lack of underwear strikes. This week I too went without underwear....

ON AVOIDING ASSAULT CHARGES: [Ohioan's] lackadaisical way of conversation had me screaming, "FASTER! FASTER! FASTER!" in my head. So I says to myself, "Patience, self." And that helped a little. Then I said, "Self, put the potato peeler down." And I did. And that's the story of how I avoided assault charges.

ON BARACK OBAMA:
A lot of people thought that this moment would never happen. Who would ever have thought that an attractive, charismatic, rich, well-educated politician would ever win a caucus. Or any election ever, for that matter. Am I right? Of course I'm right. How did we get here? The answer lies in the fact that America is hungry for CHANGE.

Change is the word of the day. Change has (6) letters in it. And the people of Iowa know this.

If you jumble the letters in the word Change you get 'Canghe' and 'Nagche.' Neither of which mean anything, but today the voters of Iowa -both Democrats and Independents
headed the call of Nagche, and embraced Canghe, because they're tired of politics as usual.

In my travels I've met a lot of people who Change things. I met Phyllis in Ames, who Changes hear sheets once a week -sometimes more if they're visibly dirty. I met Hal, a maintenance worker from Bettendorf, who Changes his tires when the treads wear down which is a good practice that keeps the steering better aligned. Or Claire, a single mother from Popejoy, who much like Mr. Rodgers, Changes from her shoes into house slippers when she returns home from work. These people inspire me.

Today Iowa has proclaimed that Change is all around us. Why, in my very own pocket I have Change. As a matter of fact, I have (3) quarters, (1) nickel and (4) pennies. I do not know why we even make pennies anymore. When I become president, I will get rid of pennies. Because while I love Change, I hate pennies.

Thank you all so much for your support of both me and Change. Without Change things are the same. Which as the people of this great state know is fine for a while, but after a while, you know, it becomes boring and stuff.

Change.

ON L.A. DOUCHEBAGGERY: As I made my way to the gate for the bus that would take me to Boston, I met a chap who introduced himself by saying, "I'm in the movie business." Yes, this trip was going to be a delight. As he prattled on about being in from LA and casting for a new film, in my passive aggressive way I made it clear I was not interested. Deterred, he pressed on to annoy others.

Unfortunately, the douchebag turned to a mild mannered Hasidic Jew who was ahead of him in line.

"Excuse me, are you A-mish?" He asked.

"No, I'm Jewish." The gentleman replied.

"Oh, I'm Presbyterian."

A-MISH!? A-MISH! I could not wash the toolishness off me. Unable to stop cringing, I drank a bottle of NyQuil (that I keep onhand for such an emergency) and passed out on the bus.


And with that we are brought up to today. Thank you so much for joining me every Sunday / Monday -partaking in some low-brow humor and overuse of the term, douchebag. 'Cause that's fun.

Do you have a favorite moment from this year? If so, feel free to break it down in the comments section ...or not. In the meantime, I'll see you next week when I'm reporting live from Ohio ...or not.

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