Sunday, August 10, 2008

How I Spent My Summer Staycation

By Patrick Garrigan

I spent my summer staycation by growing a greasy looking mustache and kidnapping kids on horseback. The end.

I'm kidding; everyone who's ever watched an episode of Law & Order knows you can't kidnap kids on horseback. Eventually they'll track down your horse, and horses are NOTORIOUS for giving you up the first sight of trouble.

No friends, given high gas prices, poor consumer confidence, the sub-prime mortgage crisis, War in Iraq, my preference for sleeping in and penchant for Jujyfruits, my travel agent suggested that I take a STAYcation! That and I'm a poor planner.

You're probably thinking, "Staycation? Patrick, your life gets sadder with every post." But you would be wrong! Staycations are all the rage! I'm fucking hip. You want to know how hip I am? Well, I will tell you. Here are a just a few highlights ('cause you couldn't handle more) from this momentous week:

This first thing I did during my staycation was I took a nap. It was a nice nap full of wildly erotic dreams that involved stuffed animals and cheese in a can. Hot. Then I decided to leave town. Before you go running your mouth all, "how can you have a 'staycation' if you leave town?" Given that I am a man of the world, I consider all of the Eastern Seaboard my home, and therefore merely leaving New York doesn't count. ...and if I hear one more peep out of you, I'll turn this staycation retrospective around and go home, then you'll have to read boring shit about the Olympics.

Suffered Through L.A. Douchebaggery

As I made my way to the gate for the bus that would take me to Boston, I met a chap who introduced himself by saying, "I'm in the movie business." Yes, this trip was going to be a delight. As he prattled on about being in from LA and casting for a new film, in my passive aggressive way I made it clear I was not interested. Deterred, he pressed on to annoy others.

Unfortunately, the douchebag turned to a mild mannered Hasidic Jew who was ahead of him in line.

"Excuse me, are you A-mish?" He asked.

"No, I'm Jewish." The gentleman replied.

"Oh, I'm Presbyterian."

A-MISH!? A-MISH! I could not wash the toolishness off me. Unable to stop cringing, I drank a bottle of NyQuil (that I keep onhand for such an emergency) and passed out on the bus.

Learned A Lesson

One of my first stops upon getting to Boston was meeting my friend, Erika. Ever the intrepid vacationer, I headed out to Central Square and waited for her to arrive. I love eavesdropping. [In fact, I'm eavesdropping on you right now. Yes, over there in the storage closet, that's me -listening. ] On this day, I had the good fortune of catching a pimp and his ho discussing fashion.
PIMP: What are you wearing? That hat looks ridiculous.

HO: If you want to suck a dick, you can wear whatever you want.
How true, I thought to myself. I reckon you can.

Closing Ceremonies: Lead Poisoning Prevention Week, Cambridge, MA

As I try to every year, I made a point of getting to Cambridge's Annual Lead Poisoning Prevention Week. Just good, clean fun that reminds me of my very own Marion Popcorn Festival growing up. Once again, I was fortunate enough to be named Grand Marshall of the festivities. Which meant I got to preside over the much anticipated, "Let's Lick Lead Poisoning Relay Race."

In this annual tradition, Cambridge's children are encouraged to use their sense of taste in order to decide whether a paint chip is lead based or not. The team with the most lead based chips at the end wins. I'll tell you, it is a real honor. It just pulls on my heartstrings when you see the big-eyed look of joy on the winning teams' collective faces. At least I think that's joy.

Deep Sea Fishing: Seabrook, NH

After reading Old Man & the Sea in middle school I had always wanted to take to the Seven Seas and live the fisherman's life. During this staycation, I decided I would do just that; and the 'ol Pops and I hopped up the coast and went on a chartered deep sea fishing expedition, where I caught a fucking shark!

Um yeah, seriously. I caught a dog shark which after reeling in I whipped into the red bins you see in the picture behind me. After making it into the bin, one of the deckhands came in with an impressive looking hook and whisked the shark away. "Ah, probably preparing it" I reasoned. Whether it was going to be cut into shark steaks or being prepped for lacquering, I was pleased.

As the ship returned to the harbor and people where picking up their prepared fish, I went to one of the deckhands and proudly declared that I had caught a shark and wondered where I might pick it up. He then informed me that it was thrown back as they have a tendency to be "nasty."

Well, I freaked the fuck out, and whipped out the sword (that I have on hand for just such occasions) and staged a mutiny. It was a bloody battle, with many casualties on both sides, but I am now the captain of a boat available for booze cruises, whale watching expeditions and entry-level pirating.

Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC

In the six years that I've lived in the city, I have never been to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Let me just say, "wow." I loved it, and was completely blown away. Every turn was more incredible than the last.

If I were to have one beef it would be the Jeff Koons exhibit on the roof. I had loved the bunny balloon in the Macy's parade, and I was very excited to see his works live. Now, I'm all for realism but the piece entitled, "Pooping Dog" was just a little too real for me.

Moreover, I was surprised by the reactions of others. For instance, the German couple in the picture above shouted to the photographer who's help they enlisted, "make sure you get plenty of the poop in there." At least that's what I think they said, they were speaking German.

So that was my staycation. Thank you for coming to my literary slideshow. I hope that you were able to learn from my tales so that you might stage your own thrilling staycation. As I always say, if you leave your home, the terrorists win. Think about it. AHOY!

1 comment:

WaldoinNursing said...

You are never going to be invited to another BBQ unless we make into the blog and you're nice about it. But, glad you caught a shark.


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