Sunday, August 24, 2008

Drama Delay

Hello friends, due to a little drama, there's gonna be a delay with the bliggity blog. It'll be up on Tuesday, promise.* Let me use this little delay to remind you that if you'd like to be added to the GWGG alerts, simply send an e-mail to greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com with ADD in the subject. That's all you have to do! See you Tuesday.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Year 2

Doesn't this picture give you the heebeejeebees? Regardless, I think it does a nice job of illustrating an important point. I AM CRAZY EXCITED THAT GWGG IS IN IT'S SECOND YEAR OF EXISTENCE!!!

It's been a good year, hasn't it kids? That wasn't rhetorical, I really need that positive reinforcement that it was indeed a good year.

With yet another year of Greatness under my belt, I wanted to take some of our new readers through some of the highlights of this year's postings. Because nothing says, Happy Birthday like a posting of self-referential bullshit. Am I right or am I right or am I right? I'm right. Here are just a few of the topics with which we've shared some laughter and shed some tears.

ON THE CORRELATION BETWEEN HIGH TEMPERATURES AND MURDER: Did you know? Murders go up 723% across this country during the summer months? You didn't? Well that's because I made that up. However, I am 723% more likely to kill you during the summer months than I am during any other point in the year. That's a fact.

ON POETRY:
When a holiday's named after you, then all must agree,
that a sense of humility and modesty's the key.
If you know me at all, you know that's not likely to happen,
So spring for a stripper and have her dance on my lap 'en!

ON DUTCH OVENING: Any way you slice it, Dutch Ovening is decidedly funny. The skill it takes to time your fart, gather your covers and encapsulate your significant other is genuinely admirable. My advice to you is to carry out other pranks that, by comparison, make "the Oven" seem hilarious. For instance, try duct taping her eyes shut while she's sleeping, so that when she wakes up she thinks she's blind. After that, she'll be begging you to fart and pull the covers over her head!

ON LIVING IN NEW YORK: "For all you kids who don't live in New York, getting overcharged here is not only accepted it is expected. New York is expensive, so if you come here, don't be a douchebag and go to stores and say outloud, "this is soooo overpriced." It is that pricey for a reason -to keep your cheap ass in planted firmly in whatever shithole you come from."

ON GOING WITHOUT: Every year thousands of Americans go without clean undergarments. Given the current national economic landscape, there are a variety of reasons that send people out into the world commando. Just look at these staggering statistics:

  • 58% of plumbers go without underwear because panty lines impede, "giving good crack."
  • 37% of creepy uncles don't wear undergarments because it gets in the way of fiddlin' their bits during Monday Night Football.
  • 75% of strippers are without underwear because, "I gots to air that shit out."
But it isn't just stippers, blue collar folk and likely pedophiles that this lack of underwear strikes. This week I too went without underwear....

ON AVOIDING ASSAULT CHARGES: [Ohioan's] lackadaisical way of conversation had me screaming, "FASTER! FASTER! FASTER!" in my head. So I says to myself, "Patience, self." And that helped a little. Then I said, "Self, put the potato peeler down." And I did. And that's the story of how I avoided assault charges.

ON BARACK OBAMA:
A lot of people thought that this moment would never happen. Who would ever have thought that an attractive, charismatic, rich, well-educated politician would ever win a caucus. Or any election ever, for that matter. Am I right? Of course I'm right. How did we get here? The answer lies in the fact that America is hungry for CHANGE.

Change is the word of the day. Change has (6) letters in it. And the people of Iowa know this.

If you jumble the letters in the word Change you get 'Canghe' and 'Nagche.' Neither of which mean anything, but today the voters of Iowa -both Democrats and Independents
headed the call of Nagche, and embraced Canghe, because they're tired of politics as usual.

In my travels I've met a lot of people who Change things. I met Phyllis in Ames, who Changes hear sheets once a week -sometimes more if they're visibly dirty. I met Hal, a maintenance worker from Bettendorf, who Changes his tires when the treads wear down which is a good practice that keeps the steering better aligned. Or Claire, a single mother from Popejoy, who much like Mr. Rodgers, Changes from her shoes into house slippers when she returns home from work. These people inspire me.

Today Iowa has proclaimed that Change is all around us. Why, in my very own pocket I have Change. As a matter of fact, I have (3) quarters, (1) nickel and (4) pennies. I do not know why we even make pennies anymore. When I become president, I will get rid of pennies. Because while I love Change, I hate pennies.

Thank you all so much for your support of both me and Change. Without Change things are the same. Which as the people of this great state know is fine for a while, but after a while, you know, it becomes boring and stuff.

Change.

ON L.A. DOUCHEBAGGERY: As I made my way to the gate for the bus that would take me to Boston, I met a chap who introduced himself by saying, "I'm in the movie business." Yes, this trip was going to be a delight. As he prattled on about being in from LA and casting for a new film, in my passive aggressive way I made it clear I was not interested. Deterred, he pressed on to annoy others.

Unfortunately, the douchebag turned to a mild mannered Hasidic Jew who was ahead of him in line.

"Excuse me, are you A-mish?" He asked.

"No, I'm Jewish." The gentleman replied.

"Oh, I'm Presbyterian."

A-MISH!? A-MISH! I could not wash the toolishness off me. Unable to stop cringing, I drank a bottle of NyQuil (that I keep onhand for such an emergency) and passed out on the bus.


And with that we are brought up to today. Thank you so much for joining me every Sunday / Monday -partaking in some low-brow humor and overuse of the term, douchebag. 'Cause that's fun.

Do you have a favorite moment from this year? If so, feel free to break it down in the comments section ...or not. In the meantime, I'll see you next week when I'm reporting live from Ohio ...or not.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

How I Spent My Summer Staycation

By Patrick Garrigan


I spent my summer staycation by growing a greasy looking mustache and kidnapping kids on horseback. The end.

I'm kidding; everyone who's ever watched an episode of Law & Order knows you can't kidnap kids on horseback. Eventually they'll track down your horse, and horses are NOTORIOUS for giving you up the first sight of trouble.

No friends, given high gas prices, poor consumer confidence, the sub-prime mortgage crisis, War in Iraq, my preference for sleeping in and penchant for Jujyfruits, my travel agent suggested that I take a STAYcation! That and I'm a poor planner.

You're probably thinking, "Staycation? Patrick, your life gets sadder with every post." But you would be wrong! Staycations are all the rage! I'm fucking hip. You want to know how hip I am? Well, I will tell you. Here are a just a few highlights ('cause you couldn't handle more) from this momentous week:

IT BEGINS
This first thing I did during my staycation was I took a nap. It was a nice nap full of wildly erotic dreams that involved stuffed animals and cheese in a can. Hot. Then I decided to leave town. Before you go running your mouth all, "how can you have a 'staycation' if you leave town?" Given that I am a man of the world, I consider all of the Eastern Seaboard my home, and therefore merely leaving New York doesn't count. ...and if I hear one more peep out of you, I'll turn this staycation retrospective around and go home, then you'll have to read boring shit about the Olympics.

Suffered Through L.A. Douchebaggery


As I made my way to the gate for the bus that would take me to Boston, I met a chap who introduced himself by saying, "I'm in the movie business." Yes, this trip was going to be a delight. As he prattled on about being in from LA and casting for a new film, in my passive aggressive way I made it clear I was not interested. Deterred, he pressed on to annoy others.

Unfortunately, the douchebag turned to a mild mannered Hasidic Jew who was ahead of him in line.

"Excuse me, are you A-mish?" He asked.

"No, I'm Jewish." The gentleman replied.

"Oh, I'm Presbyterian."

A-MISH!? A-MISH! I could not wash the toolishness off me. Unable to stop cringing, I drank a bottle of NyQuil (that I keep onhand for such an emergency) and passed out on the bus.

Learned A Lesson


One of my first stops upon getting to Boston was meeting my friend, Erika. Ever the intrepid vacationer, I headed out to Central Square and waited for her to arrive. I love eavesdropping. [In fact, I'm eavesdropping on you right now. Yes, over there in the storage closet, that's me -listening. ] On this day, I had the good fortune of catching a pimp and his ho discussing fashion.
PIMP: What are you wearing? That hat looks ridiculous.

HO: If you want to suck a dick, you can wear whatever you want.
How true, I thought to myself. I reckon you can.

Closing Ceremonies: Lead Poisoning Prevention Week, Cambridge, MA


As I try to every year, I made a point of getting to Cambridge's Annual Lead Poisoning Prevention Week. Just good, clean fun that reminds me of my very own Marion Popcorn Festival growing up. Once again, I was fortunate enough to be named Grand Marshall of the festivities. Which meant I got to preside over the much anticipated, "Let's Lick Lead Poisoning Relay Race."

In this annual tradition, Cambridge's children are encouraged to use their sense of taste in order to decide whether a paint chip is lead based or not. The team with the most lead based chips at the end wins. I'll tell you, it is a real honor. It just pulls on my heartstrings when you see the big-eyed look of joy on the winning teams' collective faces. At least I think that's joy.

Deep Sea Fishing: Seabrook, NH


After reading Old Man & the Sea in middle school I had always wanted to take to the Seven Seas and live the fisherman's life. During this staycation, I decided I would do just that; and the 'ol Pops and I hopped up the coast and went on a chartered deep sea fishing expedition, where I caught a fucking shark!

Um yeah, seriously. I caught a dog shark which after reeling in I whipped into the red bins you see in the picture behind me. After making it into the bin, one of the deckhands came in with an impressive looking hook and whisked the shark away. "Ah, probably preparing it" I reasoned. Whether it was going to be cut into shark steaks or being prepped for lacquering, I was pleased.

As the ship returned to the harbor and people where picking up their prepared fish, I went to one of the deckhands and proudly declared that I had caught a shark and wondered where I might pick it up. He then informed me that it was thrown back as they have a tendency to be "nasty."

Well, I freaked the fuck out, and whipped out the sword (that I have on hand for just such occasions) and staged a mutiny. It was a bloody battle, with many casualties on both sides, but I am now the captain of a boat available for booze cruises, whale watching expeditions and entry-level pirating.

Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC



In the six years that I've lived in the city, I have never been to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Let me just say, "wow." I loved it, and was completely blown away. Every turn was more incredible than the last.

If I were to have one beef it would be the Jeff Koons exhibit on the roof. I had loved the bunny balloon in the Macy's parade, and I was very excited to see his works live. Now, I'm all for realism but the piece entitled, "Pooping Dog" was just a little too real for me.

Moreover, I was surprised by the reactions of others. For instance, the German couple in the picture above shouted to the photographer who's help they enlisted, "make sure you get plenty of the poop in there." At least that's what I think they said, they were speaking German.


So that was my staycation. Thank you for coming to my literary slideshow. I hope that you were able to learn from my tales so that you might stage your own thrilling staycation. As I always say, if you leave your home, the terrorists win. Think about it. AHOY!

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Staycation Teaser


First rule of Staycation: THERE IS NO STAYCATION.
Second rule of Staycation: THERE IS NO STAYCATION.
Third rule of Staycation: DO NOT BLOG DURING STAYCATION.

Sorry, kids I'm on Staycation. Want to know what one does during a Staycation? Tune in next week!

In the meantime, use this time to get fucking pumped about the Olympics!


The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

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