Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Official "The Official...of Patrick Garrigan" List...of Patrick Garrigan

HellooooooooNovices!!! Do you feel like you're working your way towards spiritual enlightenment, but you're not taking advantage of the finer things in life? It's true. I'm not just talking to the young Buddhist monks here. Just because you aren't dressed like a traffic barrel doesn't mean you aren't missing out on the luxury, culture and sophomoric delights the world has to offer.

Luckily for your sheltered ass, since February of 2007 I have been compiling a complete list of things certified the Official...of Patrick Garrigan. The certification the Official...of Patrick Garrigan denotes the commitment to excellence that is the hallmark of GWGG.

Despite my attempts to pepper the blog with these mini-endorsements, more and more I'm hearing the following complaints: "I can never find the official...of Patrick Garrigan for restaurants." OR "I wish you would just put all the Official...of Patrick Garrigan in one post." OR "Get your hand off my ass."

Based on this feedback, I have decided to create a complete Official...of Patrick Garrigan list (and move my hand from your ass to your tittay where it will gently reside until the police arrive). For this list, I will provide you with a few of the more frequently "tapped" entities with some new ones to spice up your life. **GONG!** Let's get started.

Old Spice High Endurance Pure Sport Deodorant is the Official Deodorant/Antiperspirant of Patrick Garrigan
I am a man. I create man-sweat. While most of my light shirts may be adorned with an aluminum based, piss-colored stains in the pits, I like beginning my day knowing that my hairy underarms are wafting the intoxicating scent of sport, Pure Sport.
Dolce & Gabana is the Official Cologne of Patrick Garrigan
I am a dandy. This cologne makes me smell dandy.
Cross Rollerballs are the Official Writing Instrument of Patrick Garrigan
I am a writer who writes. With each penstroke, I need to know I have the power of heavy over-priced rollerballs clenched in my clammy paw. I take my rollerballs everywhere. I take my rollerballs in the shower. I take my rollerballs to work. Hell, sometimes I even sleep with my rollerballs. And gents, take note: the ladies love a man with hefty, shiny rollerballs.
Your Mom is the Official Forbidden Love of Patrick Garrigan
I am not going to lie to you. It really is just a matter of time until your mom and I hook up. It may not be pleasant for you to hear, but such is the way with truth. She's taken great care of herself over these years. Toned arms, surgically enhanced breasts, and new bangs / highlights. She thinks no one's noticed... but oh, I've noticed, Ms. [insert friend's hot mom here]. I've noticed, indeed.
Grilled Cheese is the Official Drunken Food Creation of Patrick Garrigan
I am just an okay cook, but when it comes to catering for my drunk or stoned friends there is one delicacy with which I excel. The grilled cheese sandwich. Stoners and drunkards, please feel free to comment.
Bank of America is the Official Bank of Patrick Garrigan
I am a patriot through and through. So when selecting a bank, would I bank with Chase or HSBC or [gasp] Banco Popular?!! Hell NO! I bank with the Bank of America. The bank that, like me, is OF AMERICA.
Gap Body boxer shorts are the Official Boxer Short of Patrick Garrigan
I spend a lot of time in my skin. With all that time spent walking around, and doing stuff, I want to know that I've got a soft pair of boxers making sure I don't get pee on my jeans. That's why Gap Body boxer shorts are the Official Boxer Short of Patrick Garrigan
Cinnabon is the Official Airport Delicacy of Patrick Garrigan
I travel a lot for work. Not really, but I like to say that, because I think it makes people stop and say, "my, he must be important." I like when people say that. Makes me feel super duper. When I do travel modestly for work there is one stop that is always required before heading to my destination. Cinnabon. You can lay on your, "that's 2,349,583 calories," but I don't know what that means. Cinnabon makes my mouth and tummy sing with joy and satisfaction and that's what's important. Here's to the jetsetting lifestyle!
jetBlue is the Official Airline of Patrick Garrigan
Speaking of jetsetting, let's talk about airlines. jetBlue is the Official Airline of Patrick Garrigan. They have tasty snacks and little TV's that pacify and prevent me from shouting, "I"m going to throw your stupid kid in the cargo bay!" Which is good. Despite my appreciation for the airline, 3 flights back I was checking in and a fat lady who reminded me of Frenchie Davis, who I do not like, would not throw my old baggage tags in the trash can right in front of her. I, like JFK, will forgive, but never forget. More chips, please!
Fall is the Official Season of Patrick Garrigan
With Summer upon us, I can't help but think HOW MUCH I HATE SUMMER. Hey, remember when we could go outside and not feel gallons of sweat pouring down the clefts of our buttocks, saturating our hairy legs, making us wreak of defeated purfume and human menk? Yeah, me too, it's called Fall and it is so much better than this.
Newcastle the Official Beer of Patrick Garrigan
While no one wants to like the British 'cause of the oppression of early Americans, the Irish, India, etc. One thing you can't deny is they know how to make tasty beer. The nutty deliciousness of Newcastle Brown Ale makes me feel okay about being oppressed -but only for the time it takes to finish 12 fl. oz. then I'm fightin' mad again.
Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits is the Official Hangover cure of Patrick Garrigan
What's that you were saying about drinking? Yes, kids, libating is fun, but there can be consequences. Poor choices, hangovers, and rashes, for instance. While I can't do anything about the poor choices or the itchy bits, I can give you some help in the hangover dept. Here it is: go to your neighborhood Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits. Order the 3 piece strips meal with red beans & rice and a biscuit. Problem solved.

Only through learning from wiser persons like myself can you take steps towards Greatness, and really, isn't that why you're reading this? Aaaaaaoohf course it is. Hopefully, these certifications are helpful to you. But I know you, never satiated, you animal! So I will keep providing Official...of Patrick Garrigan's, because you're overall happiness just might depend on it.

1 comment:

Hector Coris said...

"Human menk" - I've never heard such a word, but sure as shit I'm gonna start using it. It's brilliant.

I'll have to think of a lyric I can fit than into...

See ya soon!


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