Sunday, June 22, 2008

Dirty Kid

I am disgusting.

Hey, do you remember the dirty kid from growing up? I sure do, his name was Joey Jaggers and he had very large ears with excessive ear wax that would drip out of his olfactory canal (pictured at left). It was repugnant, Joey Jaggers, repugnant! [Editorial: I am not worried about Joey Jaggers reading this and suing me for slander because Joey Jaggers can not read which obviously equals hilarity.]

Back then I used to come up with hilarious quips about that excessive ear wax and Joey Jagger's poor hygiene and verbal skills. "Ha, ha, ha, Joey Jaggers, it's like a Niagara Falls of gooey wax out of your earholes!!!!" I was clever even back then. Obviously, these jabs were hilarious despite never actually being uttered for fear of being called "faggot" and then getting the shit kicked out of me by Joey Jaggers white trash father-brothers.

Which begs the question, does a dirty kid joke that is never actually spoken really count? The whole, "if a tree falls in a forest, and pigs are flying while having a bird in hand despite there being two in the bush; does it make a sound?" I am here to tell you that indeed it does, and payback is a bitch.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have become the dirty kid.

The worst part about being the dirty kid is that you don't even realize it is happening. Becoming the dirty kid happens in a slow, seemingly imperceivable way. And it began it true white trash fashion-with bugs.

Bed bugs to be precise. Yes, just like FOX NEWS, I, Patrick Garrigan had/have bed bugs. How did I get bed bugs? I got them from you, that's how. That time we were hooking up and I was all, "you don't have bed bugs, do you?" and you were like, "No baby, I got tested. It's cool, I don't have bed bugs." But you DID have bed bugs and now I HAD/HAVE bed bugs! Oh, you hateful so and so....

At first I was embarrassed about having these blood-thirty parasites feasting on my O-Positive while I slept. But after a while, I was really flattered that they would choose to nest in my bed and drink my blood. So I invested in a dinner bell like you see in Westerns, which I ring between the hours of 11pm - 2am to welcome my guests (which I had/have individually named) to what I like to call "the dinner table."

Next stop in our dirty kid tour de force is, you guessed it, disease! Hooray! Not just any disease though friends -not me, I'm exceptional. I get that highly preventable, highly contagious classic, pink eye! Yesssss! My deficiency in hand washing abilities landed me in solitary confinement, unable to interact with humans.

You learn a lot about yourself when you're alone with your thoughts and a puss-gushing eyeball. Things like, Bob Ross' paintings really were total shite and boxer briefs make me feel sexy the way they gently hug my buttocks. You know, thoughtful, life-changing realizations like that.

The final straw however to bring me from dirty kid novice to trashy, cross-the-street-when-you-see-me greatness happened just last night when I cracked my face on a beer bottle to provide that piece de resistance, the snaggle tooth.

Eat your heart out Perez Hilton, you graphics wizard, you. This final component makes my metamorphosis complete. Now I have a bug problem, conjunctivitis and finally razor-tipped snaggle tooth -which since occurring (24) hours ago, I have used to open the following canned items:
  • Creamed corn
  • Wild Cherry Kool Aid (generic brand)
  • (137) Cans of Vienna Sausages
  • Crude oil
As I contently sit on my sofa covered in bugs (which I am trying to train to perform cirque-style acrobatic feats) and "body soil," I start to come to the conclusion that maybe Dirty 'Ol Joey Jaggers was on to something. While judgey, showering types may say that I'm, "in need of an intervention" or "fucking nasty," there is a certain freedom in getting to the point where you are so positively dirty and disgusting that you just give up.

Today, I am the dirty kid and I shall stay the dirty kid ...that is until I can get to the Flatiron Origins Store and purchase more exfoliating Skin Diver Active Charcoal Body Wash.


megan said...

Ok seriously this is too bizarre for words. Only mere hours ago was I talking to my husband about Joey Jaggers, his vile ear wax, and the fact that he was a dirty. Do we have some sort of childhood reminiscence telepathy? Congrats on your new found dirtiness!

Hector said...

K..."White Trash father-brothers" and "body soil"...If I were drinking milk I'd be wiping it from my nose right now. Hilarious!

PS - Jaggers called. He's looking for you. I told him where you lived but he couldn't hear me through all the wax...



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