Saturday, May 24, 2008

Profiles In Greatness: Sue Baughman

Greatness is everywhere, you just need to know where to look.

This week, I experienced a loss in the family that sent me home to Ohio. I had not been back to Ohio since 2004, when I was touring the country in an enormous orange van, banging skanks in shitty hotels ('cause it's what I do), and maintaining a diet of (6) piece Chicken McNuggets, fruit and yogurt parfaits, and blue Powerade -yeah, really. So, it was a bit of a culture shock.

What did I find when the Prodigal Son returned? I found lotsa stuff. I found the place hadn't changed a lick since the year nineteen hundred and ninety seven. Sideburns were still maintained at Beverly Hills 90210 lengths, and it is still extremely flat and annoyingly green.

Furthermore, the lackadaisical way of conversation had me screaming, "FASTER! FASTER! FASTER!" in my head. So I says to myself, "Patience, self." And that helped a little. Then I said, "Self, put the potato peeler down." And I did. And that's the story of how I avoided assault charges.

I know what you elitist bastards out there are thinking, "Oh my gracious, it sounds awful." You elitist bastards are correct, it was -although I'm not sure why you chose the expression 'oh my gracious,' you douchebags. Despite the loss I was going through, and the painful Ian Ziering wannabes that weighed on my pschye and offended my sense of style, there was a silver lining, for I also found Greatness.

Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to introduce you to Sue Baughman, the winner of the first ever and yet to be produced, Profiles in Greatness Award. The award is gorgeous, stands 4 feet tall and is made of solid Brazilian mahogany with a platinum likeness of me at it's zenith. I gotta tell you, Sue, you're really going to love it and as soon as the pawn shop reopens on Tuesday, and my roommate Joey leaves for work, I am, like, totes gonna pawn his shit and get that bitchin' thing made, man! Hollerrrr!

Whoa, whoa. All I can hear is you all, "WTF, I thought we were like, BFF's and stuff. IDK what she has and I don't, FFS?" Well for starters, your abbrev. is really annoying and profane. Secondarily, all your acronyms forced me to do too many link-throughs to Wikipedia for people who speak English, which took precious time that I could be using to watch Law & Order: SVU.

Why did Sue Baughman win the first ever Profiles in Greatness Award? Two (or three) words: Apple Roll-Ups.

Don't let her short stature and sweet appearance fool you, behind those squinted eyes is the ruthless, bloodthirsty mastermind behind the famous, Ada Apple Roll-Up; which I would put up against any bakery you could find during the course of a quick query on Citysearch. I am not a foodie by any stretch of the imagination, but these are the best deserts I have eaten. Ever. For achieving Greatness in the form of pie crust, apple filing and delicious frosting she is the recipient of this illustrious award.

I recently sat down with Sue to congratulate her on her award and get a sense of what makes her tick.
PG: Sue congratulations on your recent award.

Sue: What award?

PG: The Profiles in Greatness Award.

Sue: Dear, what is that?

PG: The award I told you I'm giving you because you made me that plate of delicious Apple Roll-Ups.

Sue: Oh, that's just silly. I don't need an award. Really, all they are is pie crust and apple filling, it's no problem, really.

PG: Oh, Aunt Sue, I'm sure there's got to be more to it than that... A little extra loving touch? Something? C'mon....

Sue: No... really.... there's... not.... Oh! Okay, I do have a little secret. [she leans forward] A hint 'o lint. [with that she produces a small piece of lint from under her shirt.] See?
It is at this point I conclude the interview and devour the remaining Apple Roll-Ups, for her lint is the most delicious in all the land. So for Greatness in delicious apple and lint-based delicacies, Sue Baughman is the year's* Profiles in Greatness Award winner. Congratulations.

*EDITORIAL NOTE: While we have technically awarded this year's Profiles in Greatness Award to Aunt Sue, GWGG reserves the right to rescind the award if the roll-ups give Patrick a tummy ache. Additionally, GWGG may offer another Profiles in Greatness Award this year if Patrick gets really drunk one Saturday night and is too hung over to come up with a new idea the following Sunday. That is all.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What! You don't make it back for the Popcorn Festival each year? All those Marionites brandishing their finest mullets, beer, and a complete lack of self respect. Did a mention the lack of any actual popcorn or popcorn related products? Someone has to kick -off for you to go back home. Oh' and sorry for your loss.


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