Monday, April 21, 2008

Masterpiece Theatre

Hello you beautiful bloggity friends.  I'm feeling much better, thanks for asking.  Gnarly cough, but on the mend.  Thanks for your letters and well wishes and offers to donate kidneys.  I love them all and will dine on the deliciously generous organs for weeeeeeks!

This week I am in Seattle for a wedding, where I am currently hammered.   As a result, I can not present you with the magic you have become accustomed to off the cuff.  In light of this I would like to share with you a play that I wrote on Friday night when I couldn't sleep that is suitable for performance by senior centers and elementary schools entitled, "Why I Drink."

So with out further adieu, GWGG proudly presents this performance of, "Why I Drink."  Enjoy.


Why I Drink

By Patrick Garrigan

 Lights up in what would be Matt’s Living Room.  This is home base for his narrations that segue into the vignettes that illustrate what is about to unfold:

MATT:

Goodbye.  I love you.

[turns around to notice audience, gets the idea, takes a deep, dramatic emotional sigh and plops a couch and makes a decision to begin chugging beers quickly.  Exasperated, he stops and stares at the audience]

Welcome to my living room on this shitty night.  Actually, I’m glad you’re here because otherwise I’d be crying, getting hammered and talking to my dressing mirror, which ultimately leads to me masturbating to my own image.  So that’s good, or gross or narcissistic or whatever.

(As if posing a grand philosophical question) Why do I drink?  That is the question I pose to myself this evening and since you all told your theatre trash friends you’re going to a “reading,” you have the good fortune to hear as well.  Well, where to start?  I don’t know, maybe it comes from my inherent lack of game:

[Shifts to cocktail lounge with mixed group of friends. Matt 2 years younger, greener]

MATT:

So, what do you do?

BETH: (Uptight, WASPy, Masshole):

I’m actually in my second year of law school.  I’m looking to go into corporate licensing for sports franchises.  It really matches my love of sports with my love of the law.  And you?

 MATT:

Actually, I’m an actor. I, um, I act.

 BETH:

What do you “act?”  I mean, forgive me, but can you make any money at that?

 MATT:

A little, I mean I just started so, we’ll-

 BETH:

-excuse me; I’ve got to take this.

 MATT (aside to audience as narrator):

The thing didn’t even fucking ring.

 BETH:

Listen, it’s been great talking to you.  My friend needs me outside right now.

 [Back to MATT’s living room – tipsy.]

 MATT:

You know what, fuck her, maybe being an actor doesn’t provide you with a “sustainable lifestyle” or “reliable source of income.”  Whatever.  Yeah, yeah, I’m bitter -fuck her.

 What was I saying?  No game.  But quickly I realized the more I drank, the more clever I became, which lead me down the path we find ourselves tonight.

 [Show opening night party.  Rowdy, noisy, boisterous]

 ASHLEY:

Congratulations.  You were wonderful.

 MATT:

Yes, yes, I was wasn’t I?  (sly smile & a wink) Are you with any journalistic publication?  A newspaper, a podcast, perhaps a blaaaaagh?  Are you a blaaaagher?

 ASHLEY (giggles):

No, no.  My friend Marc is the kabuki stream from the second act.

 MATT:

Ahh, yes the kabuki brook.  I have always thought the Sound of Music needed a kabuki brook.  However else will they know when they have climbed every mountain and forded every stream unless there’s an actual kabuki stream to ford.  My apologies, I’m going to have the director beaten up later tonight.

[She smiles.  A beat.]

 I’m Matt, what’s your name?

 ASHLEY:

Ashley Ashbury. Alright, Mr. Funnyman.  Insert your joke here.

 [MATT back in the living room – more tipsy]

 MATT:

To which I replied, “I got something to insert here –hey, oh!” Except not really.

Mr. Funnyman.  What a stupid thing to call a person, and yet, that’s all it took.  It’s not like we had some profound conversation.  It was the simple-ness of the thing. 

And that was just the beginning of my drinking, and it’s probably her fault.  Wait, wait, no.  It was my parents.  Isn’t that what it is supposed to be?

 [To Lazy-Boy White Trash DAD drunk, entire scene w/ cig in his mouth, it’s not lit, it just flaps.  MATT as a 4 year old boy]

DAD:

Boy, I want to tell you something while All in the Family’s on a break, life ain’t all rosy and sweet smellin’ like you see on this here show.

 MATT:

It isn’t?

DAD:

No, boy!  It’s hard.  Life’s hard! Life is like this beer kozy.  It can hold wonderful things like Milwaukee’s Best but the kozy don’t fill itself, you see.  You need to get kids so that they can get you beer from the fridge to put in your kozy and you need a supermarket that sells beer for the kozy, and you need a dishwasher that will clean the kozy without breaking it up so there’s blue kozy shit all over the good Care Bear plates.

MATT:

Oh.

DAD:

Get me a beer.  You get you one too.  Today, boy, you are a man.

 [Back to the Living Room – morer tipsy]

MATT:

What a fucking idiot.  Protective Services took me away 2 weeks later.  No.  Don’t “awww.”.  I was 4, a step up from messing my own britches and I knew he was an idiot.  Anyway, I got adopted like 5 seconds later by a nice Vietnamese couple who I think adopted me to be ironic.

This has nothing to do with anything, it just gives you background as to why I’m getting hammered and why I’m glad you’re here.  So as you would probably guess, things developed with Ashley Ashbury.  Through our ups and downs one thing was constant: booze.

 [Series of Quick Vignettes]

 VIG 1 - NORMAL

MATT:

Hey, toots.  Just finished my shift, wanna grab a drink?

ASHLEY:

Sounds great.  Meet me at Marseilles.

VIG 2 - SITCOM

ASHLEY: 

I’m so stressed out for this audition.

MATT:

Cock-tail? (places a wine bottle at his crotch – hilarious over the top sitcom laughter)

VIG 3 – FILM NOIR

MATT:

Oscar party! You look lovely, kid.

ASHLEY:

Thanks daddy-o, raise your Waterfords high.

VIG 4 – CHEESY PORN

ASHLEY:

(Breahthy) When we have sex, can I stick my finger in your ass?

MATT:

Whatever you say, babe, I’m just going to need another beer.

[MATT back in the living room drunk]

MATT:

All I’m saying, assplay, give it a dance.  (frustrated) EEEAAAaaah!  That’s not what I meant to say.  I mean I like it, yeah, whatever.  The thing is, I fell for this girl!  She was perfect.  Beautiful.  She was smarter than I was and I liked that.  She was better than me, you know, sweeter.  Didn’t kick cats when no one was looking, that sort of thing. She was perfect and I fucked it up.   I don’t know why I drink on the –at the large, you know.  But here’s why I’m drinking tonight:

[To Living Room but ASHLEY is there, MATT is at the opposite edge of the stage.  Distance, awkwardness]

ASHLEY: 

Matt, please don’t do this.

MATT:

Don’t do what?  Don’t be pissed?  Ashley, how can you do this?

ASHLEY:

Matt, I have tried so hard to be there for you, but I can’t do this.  I can’t set out in my life knowing that I’m always going to have to apologize for your laziness.

MATT:

That’s a fucking shitty thing to say. 

ASHLEY:

Ahh, I can’t say the right thing with you.  Matt.  I love you I really do but I can’t just sit idly by why you waste your talents drinking beer and playing XBOX.

MATT:

Ashley, you know that I have taken an Assassin’s Creed, which I have to fulfill.

ASHLEY:

It’s not funny.  Not any more.  Goodbye, Matt.

MATT:

Ash- 

[beat as he absorbs that his love is gone, slowly begins to sob.]

Goodbye.  I love you. 

[walks to the sofa as he did in the beginning back to straightfaced narrator from the beginning.]

MATT:

You see that’s why I’m glad you’re here tonight.  I don’t want to be alone.  …ever.  

No, really. I don’t.  I used to make my mom talk to me while I was on the crapper.

None of that stuff ever happened.  I just get really bored when I’m by myself and I forgot to pay the cable, so I used you to entertain me until Ashley gets back with my Chicken Vindaloo.  Which, unless she got hit by a Mack truck, should be any minute. 

Why do I drink?  Because I’m thirsty and I like being hammered. Done & done. [cell phone rings] So thanks for allowing me to indulge me. (shrugs) C’mon, I get bored -hold on.

[answers phone]

Hey-Yo! This Matt. 

[beat]

What?  A Mack truck?!!

BLACKOUT


Edward Albee can kiss my ass.


2 comments:

Hector said...

Hey, Man...this was actually pretty cool! You should perform it sometime!
Glad you're feeling better!
XO
H

Jonathan said...

Love it. Let's see more.

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